You Missed It: Ancient robot edition

From the franchise that once teabagged its whole audience.

There was a shooting in my town earlier this week. Perhaps you heard about it. The good news is that only the attacker was killed. What I love about it is that you have a group of lawmakers who were attacked, who break down in tears during interviews about the attack, and the big lesson they all draw from it is, “We need security detail.” I don’t think there will ever be a better example of the self-interest of Congress than that. If you were busy heading to see a friend in North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
This weekend, Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hits theaters. Critics have answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news is that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

Paris after dark
Two teenage boys were rescued after spending three days lost in the Catacombs of Paris, which is a series of tunnels under the city that contain the stacked bones of over six million people. The boys said it was a creepy experience, and say they ran into at least a dozen death metal bands while they were down there.

Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather didn’t evolve for you *not* to punch something

... and you'll never stop punching things.
… and you’ll never stop punching things.

Every century, fewer and fewer humans commit violence. That we are less violent than ever seems contrary to news reports, but that’s only because the media got to be more selective over which murders made press than now. Now, nearly any murder or assault is ink-worthy … unless it happens in one of those neighborhoods, of course. (You know which ones. The ones your favorite sports teams moved out of while keeping the city in their name.)

Overall, that’s a good thing, unless you’re one of millions of disappointed ancestors who broke a lot of fingers evolving the perfect fist for you not to use, you ingrates.

Researchers literally armed with the arms of corpses tested out various had positions for striking things and learned that we specifically evolved to safely inflict the most harm on each other (and fix old televisions) with a closed fist. The bones and muscles necessary to make this shape as well as be dexterous enough to gather roots and brush our teeth became a consciously desirable trait for generations of breeding, all of which led to you.

See? Boxers are too evolved!
See? Boxers are too evolved!

So, what/who have you punched lately? Don’t make your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Ug skip inventing the wheel and fire to build a time machine and slap you upside the head.

Boning up on beer

We already knew beer was good for your heart, vascular system and working out your liver muscles. But, little did we know that it’s also good for your bones!

Researchers at the University of California, Davis discovered that beer is a source of dietary silicon–which may be good for bone growth–and that beers with high levels of malted barley and hops carry the most.

Listen, fellas, if old milk ads have taught us anything, it’s that women love a healthy set of bones. So, bottom’s up!