Welcome back to the internet. Not you, I was talking to myself. During the holiday break, I did my best to avoid it, but I mostly focused on avoiding the news. I did a pretty good job, too. There was plenty of TV to watch and friends and family to interact with, and it seemed like everyone was on a week-long bender. Why not join them?
But despite my best efforts, some headlines still snuck into my awareness. I’d say it’s mostly because of social media and the various newsreader apps I have on my phone. This lead me to largely just read headlines and move on. Not only did this save me a lot of stress, it also kept me free to make some snap judgments on the headlines I saw.
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition
Sorry we missed each other last week. I was busy spending my regular-sized weekend drinking beer and whitewater rafting. Not at the same time, though. That would have meant a lot of spilled beer. Although going over the rapids drunk probably would have enhanced the fun and maybe helped me to forget how cold it was. If you were busy being named the Ebola czar this week, odds are you missed it.
Sorry, bloody sorry
This week, Bono apologized to the world for pushing U2’s newest album into the faces of every iTunes user ever. The frontman said that the band didn’t mean any harm to the people who complained about getting something for free, they just wanted to make a big entrance with the new album. Now if he would apologize for his last decade of work.
How does that even come up in an interview?
Author John Grisham found himself in hot water this week when he said he thinks that courts should go easy on guys caught causally or accidentally viewing child pornography. He cited a friend who drunkenly downloaded pictures of girls who weren’t 18 yet but was caught and labeled a sex offender. Public outcry didn’t care for his position. Grisham apologized, saying, “Yes, I believe they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”
The ocean is broke
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, named messenger of peace and master of the universe by the U.N., donated $2 million to the ocean this week. Big deal, that old lady donated priceless jewelry to the ocean at the end of Titanic. (Spoiler alert.)
In another decade, the death of who may be this living generation’s greatest example of humanity might have been regarded as a solemn occasion: a time to reflect on his achievements and appraise our own life’s work in comparison.
Fortunately, Nelson Mandela was South African, so that let Americans off the hook.
Instead, we took it as an opportunity to decide who was and wasn’t grieving appropriately and, more importantly, “How is this Obama’s Teapot Dome?” (Having already used Watergate, Katrina, Iraq, and even “Mission Accomplished Moment” to describe the president’s failures, we’re now re-appropriating scandals from the Harding administration.) Oh, and to determine whether the recently ex-living embodiment of dismantling systemic racism was “just another socialist like Stalin, Hitler, and FDR.”
So, on behalf of all my fellow assho Americans, I’d like to thank Mr. Mandela for politely letting us carry on like a pack of baboons for the past several days. A lesser corpse would have rolled through to China by this afternoon after enduring these “stories,” proving just how swell of a guy Madiba was …
Well, great. My fantastical conspiracy theories that I spend every waking hour backing up with selective evidence are getting shot to hell, one by one. Unclassified documents have named Area 51 as actually existing for the first time ever. It’s where they tested the U-2 spy plane, and there so far nothing about aliens. Wait a minute, Area 51 … U-2, U-2 is a band, a band that takes its name from the spy plane, the spy plane was developed at Area 51, aliens are at Area 51. Bono is an alien! This explains why their last tour was space-themed! If you were busy coming out as a gay WWE wrestler this week, odds are you missed it.
The first dog, Bo Obama, a lazy anagram for “Am A Boob,” found himself in the cross hairs of controversy this week, when he took his own flight to Martha’s Vineyard on an MV-22 Osprey, better known as one of those weird planes that take off like a helicopter, to we civilians. Critics pointed to transporting the first dog on such a vehicle as a symbol of excess as the Obamas started their vacation. I think it’s obvious they’re just after Bo because he’s black.
Former L.A. Raiders fans, get your costumes out
The NFL has gotten too corporate. It’s no longer about the fans, it’s all about the money and the investors and the sponsors. At least that’s what Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley say. That’s why they’re partnering with the Arena Football League to bring a team to Los Angeles, called, wait for it, the L.A. KISS. “The whole idea of an alternative to what has perhaps become a corporate sport is very intriguing, and resonates with us,” said Stanley in an actual quote. Because nothing says “we’re not in it for the money” like anything associated with KISS.
The crown comes with a price
Cassidy Wolf, the newly crowned Miss Teen USA said this week that she was the victim of an extortion plot and is working with police. She said someone in an anonymous email claimed to have pictures of her and demanded that she send nude photos. In other news, I just want to be friends with you!
Take this job and shove it. Pope Benedict XVI didn’t exactly quote Johnny Paycheck, but that’s the gist of it. The pope is resigning from his job, one that you typically only leave when they carry you out in a casket. But, citing ill health, the soon-to-be former Pope Benedict announced he was stepping down, which is apparently something you can do. It’s like being on the U.S. Supreme Court, only with fewer pro-lifers protesting outside your building.
The world hasn’t seen the resignation of a pope since Gregory XII in 1415, but that was under completely different circumstances. At that time, there were three different claimants to the papal hat, and three different sets of cardinals that elected them. Gregory’s resignation helped to end the Western Schism, which is likely also the name of a band that opened for Radiohead. This time, the pope, 85, just wants to live out the rest of his days without all the robes.
Did you know that right now, somewhere on this planet, there are people who have not seen a U2 concert? Despite their appearance on every television program to date, including the Super Bowl, Dish Network free pay-per-view events, Saturday Night Live (a gazillion times), any news program about Bono and that one time on Friends, U2 has realized that there are some people who haven’t seen them perform the same songs they’ve played for over 20 years.
U2, thankfully, has filled this void with a 3D movie of a concert where they play–once again–the same songs they’ve played for over 20 years. Only this time, Bono’s stupid hat juts out at you.
So look out for U2 at a theater near you! Or at a concert hall. Or on television. Or at your neighbor Ricky’s Bar Mitzvah.