Armored vehicle assists man in wine theft

A convenience store robbery isn’t particularly big news, not even in Russia. However, when the robbery involves an armored personnel carrier, it’s news.

In Russia, authorities say a man drove an armored personnel carrier (think a tank, but without the huge gun) through the front of a convenience store, then hopped out and stole a bottle of wine. Police say the visibly drunk man stole the personnel carrier from a nearby driver training course, probably made the early-morning robbery because the store couldn’t sell him booze at that hour, and he didn’t want to wait. The man was later arrested.

The real news here is that training courses in Russia have armored personnel carriers, and apparently they leave the keys in the ignition.

No-fun New Jersey outlaws drunk droning

Don’t drink and fly. That’s the message the state of New Jersey has to say to you.

Flying a drone is fun for like three minutes, then it’s just a really noisy and expensive kite you have to watch. Most people would look to alcohol to make such mundane things entertaining again, but New Jerseyans don’t have that luxury any more, thanks to Chris Christie. On his final day in office, Christie signed a bill outlawing the operation of a drone with a BAC of 0.08% or higher.

This is of course a ridiculous law. There is a real threat to public safety for driving under the influence of alcohol, but that threat doesn’t exist with being drunk and flying a drone. The drone itself poses the same amount of danger whether its operator is sober or tipsy. Until the drones themselves are getting drunk before flying, we should keep alcohol and drone flying out of the law books.

$1.3 million bottle of vodka stolen, recovered empty

Vodka is the only liquor that tastes good when it doesn’t have a taste at all. Did you know that there is a bottle of vodka worth $1.3 million? Well, there isn’t one anymore.

In Copenhagen, Denmark, a thief broke into a bar last week and made off with a bottle of Russo-Baltique vodka. The bottle is shiny gold and silver, and has diamonds on the cap. The good news is that the bottle has been recovered, but it’s empty. So some crook enjoyed the contents of the bottle so much that he forgot that the bottle itself was worth a lot of money.

The owner of the bar said he was happy to have the bottle back, and plans to refill it and have it back on display. Which probably means that the vodka sucks, anyway.

Kiwis build tiny island to circumvent booze ban

New Zealand may be in a different hemisphere, but it’s good to see that they ring in the new year just like we do in America: drinking their faces off. But when a local booze ban threatened to spoil the fun, a handful of kiwis fought back with terraforming.

The town of Coromandel, New Zealand banned drinking in public places on New Year’s Eve, but that wasn’t going to stop revelers from drinking on the beach. During low tide they built a small platform out of sand, and installed a picnic table on top of it. When the tide came in, they had themselves an island in what they claimed were international waters.

The group reportedly boozed it up all through the night unmolested by local authorities. Make it your goal to be like these guys in 2018.

Science: Drinking makes you live longer, avoid dementia

This holiday season, there’s plenty to feel bad about. You forgot to send your aunt a Christmas card. You’ve been pigging out on way too many cookies at your company’s holiday party. But don’t feel bad about how much you drink.

According to a new study, drinkers are less likely to have dementia when they reach 85. Researchers at the University of California San Diego conducted a 29-year study, because 30 years is excessive, and found that regular moderate drinkers are more likely to live to see 85, and not have dementia when they get there.

Even better, both women and men 85 and up who were moderate-to-heavy drinkers were found to have better cognitive health than those who didn’t imbibe at all.

The Guys are going to pick out retirement homes now because it looks like we’ll be around a while.

Krispy Kreme doughnut beer signals end of craft revolution

All movements have a messy and disorganized end. Usually, the revolutionaries end up eating themselves. The French Revolution overthrew a king and ended in state murders of anyone who didn’t pass an ideological purity test. Republicans misread the election of Donald Trump and nominated a pedophile for the Senate. The list goes on. Now, the craft beer movement has officially collapsed on itself.

The end has come in Florida, where most things go to die. There, a pair of breweries have teamed up to create a beer brewed with glazed and creme-filled doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. Hidden Springs Ale Works and Arkane Aleworks are bringing Floridians a Russian imperial stout that checks in at 12.5% ABV and will treat your senses to a beer, but “hopefully with some doughnut flavor,” according to one brewer.

The doughnut beer will be hitting the shelves in January. Just in time for all those New Year’s diets.

You’re drunker than you think, science says

So you’ve had a couple drinks but you’re still basically sober, right? Science says you’re having a better time than you realize. Turns out, you have no idea how drunk you really are.

Australian researchers went to some bars and interviewed patrons in the name of science. They asked the drinkers how drunk they thought they were, then gave them a Breathalyzer test. Most of the test subjects thought they were far more sober than they actually were. And it didn’t matter if it was just an average Joe or someone who sees drunk people all the time, like a cop or a doctor. Everyone underestimated their level of intoxication.

Either that, or the Aussies just can’t old their booze.

D.C. is drunker than you

Washington, D.C. is a city of national leaders. And according to a new survey, it’s a city of national leaders in alcohol consumption.

The district is drunker than 49 states, a survey has found. Some 65.9% of residents have had a drink in the past month, just behind Wisconsin, with 67.3%. D.C. is also tops for heavy drinkers, with 11.1%, and binge drinkers, with 25.5%. Heavy drinking is defined in the survey as men having two drinks a day, and women one drink a day. Binge drinking is five or more drinks in a sitting for men, and four or more for women.

This makes sense. The citizens of D.C. have to live with all the crazy people the rest of the country sends there. It’s enough to drive anyone to drink.

Drunk opossum leaves rehab

It is shocking to this blog how animals can clearly violate the law and yet escape prosecution every time. It’s especially surprising that this happens in crimes involving alcohol.

A Florida liquor store employee found a drunk female opossum next to a broken bottle of bourbon, and had the police bring it to a wildlife refuge for rehab. The opossum apparently knocked over and broke the bottle of whiskey, and probably drank every last drop, because the bottle was empty.

The creature was no doubt slurring her speech and no doubt displaying other signs of intoxication, so she was pumped full of fluids to sober her up. And after a couple weeks of sobriety and intense monitoring, she was released into the wild again.

And yet, there were no charges for breaking and entering, destruction of property, theft, underage drinking, etc. The opossum probably didn’t even have to pay for its rehab stint. That fell on the American taxpayer. Leave it to a liberal nanny state like Florida to coddle its wild animals.