Tagged: Booze News

| Filed under Drunk of the Day, War on Robots

Drunk man fights back against robot uprising

In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.

Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.

Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.

| Filed under Booze News

British continue tradition of drunkenly acquiring land

In 1620, a group of British religious zealots decided to set up shop on Cape Cod because they were running out of beer. It wasn’t the first time booze was involved in land acquisition, and it wouldn’t be the last. In fact, it just happened.

A British man posted on Reddit last week asking if anyone knew the location of a seemingly random parcel of land in Little Rock, Arkansas. He was asking about it, after being told by his friends that he had gotten drunk and bought the land. It was part of his brilliant plan to post a sign with his friend’s face on the land, so that it would show up on Google Maps one day, which sounds exactly like a plan one would make if they were drunk.

Also, being drunk helps make living in Little Rock more attractive.

| Filed under Regular Post

Ohio halfway house takes pro-booze, stripper approach

If you’re newly out of jail, recovering from an addiction or are overcoming some kind of psychiatric illness, you’re going to have to readjust to society. It’s best to do that gradually, so you don’t fall back into the situation that got you there in the first place. That’s why we have halfway houses. But one Ohio halfway house is asking, “Why can’t the employees have a good time?”

The fun police in Ohio are going after the leaders of an Ohio halfway house for spending taxpayer money on booze, strippers and trips to cool places like Las Vegas. An audit found about $20,000 in unauthorized spending so that managers and a few employees could booze it up before and during conferences, bringing along family members and living large on the community center’s credit card. The director and deputy director are

The unorthodox approach to rehabilitating members of our community should be lauded, not scorned, for trying something new. What better way to help people than to better understand the vices they are trying to escape from?

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

One day we will travel to a beer planet

When scientists make a discovery, they can name that thing pretty much whatever they want. There don’t seem to be any real naming rules for stuff, and that’s how we end up with spiders being named for a hat in Harry Potter. Fortunately, a lot of researchers out there like booze.

A group of researchers at Belgium’s University of Liege are big fans of Trappist beers, so much so that they named a planetary system after them. TRAPPIST-1 is a short 40 light-years away, and has seven Earth-size planets, and three of them could even support life. And now, each of the planets bears the name of a Trappist brewery, such as Chimay, Westmalle and Spencer.

Trappist beers come from monasteries that brew their own beer as a means of financially supporting themselves. They have a certification and everything. It makes sense that a bunch of dudes hanging out for the rest of their lives would figure out how to make beer on the side.

Unfortunately, this means that it’s inevitable that some American scientist will discover the planet Budweiser.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Education

Apparently teachers aren’t allowed to drink in class

Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.

In South Carolina, a substitute teacher was arrested for drinking in front of high school students in class. According to authorities, the woman had a box of wine in her purse, which is saying something about the size of her purse.

Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.

| Filed under Booze News

Is there booze in your chicken nuggets?

Chicken nuggets are the food of choice for small child and lazy bachelor alike. They provide just enough meat under all that breading to make us feel like we’re eating something of substance. But in light of Subway’s chicken only being half chicken, are we sure that our chicken is really chicken?

In Michigan, a county commissioner blamed chicken nuggets for his DUI arrest. According to authorities, Montcalm County Commissioner Jeremy Miller was pulled over for speeding, and tested for a 0.14 BAC. When he was arrested for driving under the influence, he said it was “because I was being stupid, those damn chicken nuggets.”

This begs the question, what if there really was booze in the man’s chicken nuggets? Where can you order these things? Can you make them at home, like you inject vodka into watermelons? The world must know.

| Filed under Booze News

Science: Booze is booze is booze

If you see a difference between these drinks, you’re biased.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and whether that means you’re drinking wine with your lover, or pounding cheap whiskey mixed with tears because you’re alone, your body treats it all the same.

According to researchers, your body can’t tell the difference between the alcohol in one drink from another. Which means if tequila makes your clothes fall off, the same amount of alcohol from hard cider will, too. The real factor is how much alcohol is in your drink, and how much alcohol is going into your system.

So don’t worry about buying the good stuff. Once it’s past your tongue, your body doesn’t know if it’s rotgut or septuple-distilled vodka.

 

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Science: Only hack-proof security is being drunk

It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.

There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.

Your drunk brain is completely unhackable.

| Filed under Booze News

Whiskey-flavored coffee is made for people who have given up on life

The Guys are big fans of coffee and whiskey. And if you read this blog, there’s a decent chance you like them, too. You may even like putting whiskey in your coffee. Now you can enjoy the taste of both without having to mix them yourself.

Jack Daniel’s flavored coffee is now a real thing. The famous distiller teamed up with World of Coffee, which we assume does coffee stuff, to bring us Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey Coffee. There’s no alcohol in it. It’s all of the fun of drinking coffee with some hootch in it, without the shame of drinking it at work. This seems like the perfect gift for the alcoholic in your life who’s trying to cut back.

There’s even a decaffeinated version, in case you don’t want to have any fun in life, you just want to your tastebuds to think that you’re cool.

| Filed under Booze News

Craft beer’s war isn’t with Bud, it’s with bud

Washington state, Oregon and Colorado are home to some of the finest craft breweries in the country, but beer isn’t selling like it used to in those states, thanks to marijuana.

According to a new report, residents in those states are increasingly choosing weed over suds. Legalized marijuana has allowed more choices for those who want a buzz, which means people aren’t picking up as much craft beer as they used to. Data shows that beer sales haven’t matched expectations in the past two years, meanwhile, marijuana sales are high. (GET IT?)

But all this really means is that the brewery that makes a smokable beer will be  very rich.