An alcohol stimulus package

Fresh off of the “St. Patrick’s Day season” as Guinness puts it, there’s some bad news out of Ireland. No, the violence hasn’t started up again–worse. The country’s alcohol sales are plummeting.

A recession and unemployment mean have hit Ireland’s economy hard, and that means everyone has less money to spend at the bar. This would make sense if it were any country but Ireland. Haven’t they read Angela’s Ashes? There’s always money for booze!

For us Americans, it means good things. We can go to Ireland and find some great deals there. Did you know they have Irish pubs in Ireland? It’s true! And those Irish pubs may have great drink specials going on because they need your money so badly.

What is this ‘Lowenbrau,’ anyway?

About 80 years ago, the U.S. was not allowed to drink. Special interest groups, coupled with women, convinced the government to ban alcohol. Unfortunately, laws that existed back then are still in effect in some states.

In Pennsylvania, some bars were raided for not having properly licensed beer. The problem: the names on the state’s registry of beers did not match the ones being sold, probably because of typographical errors or abbreviation. This meant that the bars had to stop selling certain suds, and the kegs were even confiscated.

If you want to make bar patrons cry, seize a keg in front of them. They’ll be crying in their lack of beer in no time.

In China, The Guys would be CEOs

A policeman in China was called a martyr after he died in what his captain said was the line of duty. As it turns out, he died after getting smashed. No, we’re not making fun of that.

What is funny is that this uncovers a culture of competitive drinking for business purposes in China. The culture, called ganbei, is how business is done in Red China. Businessmen meet for banquets to discuss matters, and try to out drink each other in order to get concessions from the other.

It’s so common that injuries and deaths are often classified as “workplace injuries.”

Alcohol makes the world your bed

Alcohol-induced sleep isn’t usually very deep, which is probably why you wake up tired. (You’ll have to ask Dr. Snee about that one.) However, some people are just deep sleepers. A French teenager is one of that fold.

It was there that a 19-year old got drunk, most likely off of wine or something. He got a little sleepy and decided to take a nap outside, his mistake was deciding to sleep on train tracks. As he slept between the tracks, a speeding train passed over him. The driver of the train saw him but was unable to stop the train for much longer. He did not wake up after the train passed over him.

“Roused by police and fire fighters who attended the scene, the young man gave a one-fingered salute before rolling over and going back to sleep.”

Sleep on, hero.

Yet another example of good science

Let’s be honest. Would you rather not remember last night, or not remember most of your life in your final years?

Pick up a drink. Do it right now. Because science tells us that alcohol may reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s. Also, it reduces the risk of dementia, which sounds like the old-timey term for Alzheimer’s, but for argument’s sake, we’ll say that they are two different afflictions. The point is, booze can save your brain.

The study followed over 3,000 senior citizens who drank moderately. They defined that as 14 drinks per week. However, if you have 14 drinks per night you just might be able to fight dementia and kill it before it even things about coming after you. So drink early, drink often.

Better dosed than dead

You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.

But then, something changed.

According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.

You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.

President-elect Obama: Bailing out thirsty reporters

We found out during the campaign that the man who now is going to be our next president (how’s THAT for some fun grammar?) is not a bad guy to have at a bar. However, we now know he’s way cooler than we ever expected. Better yet, he knows journalists.

While on vacation in Hawaii, President-elect Barack Obama ran into some journalists at a snack bar while he was golfing. In an effort to shoo them away, he suggested they go to the bar and drink. Then he said he’d buy them a round if they went up to the bar (called the 19th hole on golf courses) and drank.

This shows amazing perception on Obama’s part, because (ethics be damned!) if there’s one thing more tempting to a reporter than alcohol, it’s free alcohol. And if there’s one thing more tempting than free alcohol, it’s a challenge to drink that free alcohol.

Yet, some namby pamby CNN reporter named Ed Henry, had to go and sound like our current teetotaler president.

“And just for the record: your faithful correspondent, while enjoying the wonders of Waikiki beach, never drinks — at least not on the job.”

Henry, you are a disgrace to your profession.

Drinking and Googling: The perfect combination

Good morning, time for a belt. First off, while we advocate the consumption of alcohol, especially on long flights, where it is needed to dull the pain of constant probing, we do not condone hijacking a plane while doing so. However, that may be a new drink name.

Moving along, we’ve got some bad news for you sots out there: your brain is smaller than your teetotaler friends (like you associate with those types). The bad news here is that a study found regular drinkers and even occasional partakers lost brain mass at a faster rate than those lame-os who have never touched the stuff.

But there is hope! Another new study hints that using the Internet regularly can keep your brain smarter for longer in your life. The theory is that it makes you do a whole bunch of complex thinking, so it keeps the brain active, which is apparently good.

This means it is also a great counter to the brain-shrinking effects of alcohol. And we already know that Google Mail will keep you from sending drunk e-mail messages, so now Web surfing drunk is safe and healthy. Hooray for science!

Wenches be freeballin’ with a highball

Yarr!

In what be yet more other possible health code violation news: a St. Kilda, Australia, pub be coming under (chain shot) fire fer its “No Undie Sundie” promotion. Apparently, encouragin’ lasses to take off their undergarments in exchange for a $50 drink card just wasn’t the smartest idea. Who would’ve guessed? Certainly not Joe Francis. Personally, the capitalist landlubber with book learnin’ in business thinks that it’s brilliant, of course, but hey, that just be me.