Americans fail to medal in team liquor drinking

The year is only two months old, and we’ve got more bad news for the U.S. in the realm of international drinking. We already told you that India leads the world in whiskey drinking.

When it comes to drinking liquor, South Korea is kicking our ass. What’s worse is that Team USA barely cracks the top 10. We average 3.3 shots per week, regardless of liquor. Whoever is leaving the 0.7 shots in the glass each week is probably a lightweight. Out ranking us, from #9 to #1, are Brazil, Slovakia, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Japan, Thailand, Philippines, Russia, and South Korea.

Russians drink 6.3 shots per week, nearly twice what we do. But South Koreans make even the Russians look like wine-cooler-sipping high school girls, averaging 13.7 shots per week.

The study only counts those of legal age, so there’s no doubt the U.S. would do better if the American sub-21 crowd was let in to compete on the international stage. Those of us who can legally drink need to step it up.

Drink with a buddy — for your health

It’s Thursday, and if you haven’t had a beer yet, you probably have a job, because it’s not even noon. However, you’re probably planning on going out from a drink after work, because nothing helps you finish the week strong like a good hangover.

Researchers at the Medical Research Council in Scotland found that men who went to pubs to socialize and drink reported a better mental well-being. The study, which was called Drinking Attitudes in Midlife, or DrAM, (we didn’t make that up, Scottish scientists are just more fun) studied men 30 to 50, and found that the drunken, social atmosphere allowed the Scotsmen to open up about their feelings, and then likely drink them down with some soccer chant nonsense.

If it’s good enough for the Scots, it’s good enough for you, America. Grab a friend and go to the bar — before it’s too late.

Indians love whiskey

No, not Native Americans, you racists. The people who live in India.

The guys were shocked to find that India consumes half of all of the whiskey in the world. Sure, they have a lot of people there, and have reasonable access to whiskies from Asia, Europe, and the Americas, but who thinks of India when they think of brown liquor?

Folks, we need to do better. The Guys are doing their part, but we can’t do it alone. We need you to step up to the bar and step it up. Let’s bring the title back to its rightful home.

Hunting the brew whale

It’s no secret that humanity’s greatest threat today is whales and dolphins. People have been eating them for thousands of years, and using them for fuel for a few centuries. We’ve come close to defeating them, but not close enough. What could be better than eating these mammals of the sea? Making them into beer.

Now, an Icelandic brewery has figured out how to do it. A brewery has teamed up with a whaling company (they still exist) to create a beer made with the byproducts of processing whale meat and oil. The beer is meant to celebrate an upcoming festival for the Norse god Thor. (You may remember that Thor: The Dark World was all about defeating the whales.)

If you want some whale beer, you’d better head to Iceland before Feb. 22, after that, it goes extinct.

Your drink of choice says a lot about your politics

Available on the SG Merch page any day now.
Available on the SG Merch page any day now.

The drink in your hand says a lot about you, provided it’s not beer. According to a new study, the type of liquor or wine you drink may not only tell about your political leanings, but how likely you are to vote.

National Media Planning and Placement released a chart of based on consumer data that connects how likely a drinker of a certain brand of wine or liquor is to vote, and how likely that drinker is to vote Democratic or Republican. Who’s ready for some fun observations about this fun, but mostly useless data?

  • Captain Morgan (spiced) is the drink of the moderate but unenthused, while Barardi drinkers are just as moderate, but more likely to stagger over to the polls.
  • People who are likely to vote seem to agree that wine is for them, but only freedom-hating left-wingers drink Smoking Loon, while conservatives sip Robert Mondavi as they reload their guns.
  • Conservative voters like whiskey, bourbon and scotch, while liberals like vodka and gin.
  • If you drink tequila, whether Democrat or Republican, your inability to stand makes it unlikely that you’re going to vote.

To stay healthy, take your shots at a bar, not a pharmacy

It’s cold and flu season, so it’s important that everyone does their best to stay as healthy as possible. Sure, there’s sleeping and eating right, but ask yourself, “Am I drinking enough booze?”

According to a recent study, there’s a decent chance you need to drink more alcohol to keep your immune system at its best. Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University gave booze or sugar water to 12 rhesus macaques. Some monkeys drank heavily, some moderately, and because some had sugar water, none at all, over the course of 14 months. (Quite a bender, even by our standards.) The scientists found that the moderate drinkers’ immune systems responded the best to vaccines. Which suggests the same thing could be true for humans.

So remember, top yourself off to stay in tip-top shape.

In Florida, gators are currency

In Florida, one of the biggest fronts in our War on Animals, one tactical genius may have figured out how to defeat our enemies: use them as currency.

Police charged a Miami man with illegally capturing an alligator, after they say he tried to trade one for beer at a convenience store. The gator was about four feet long and still alive, so really, that should be worth a case or two. Unfortunately, the clerk, and the authorities he called, didn’t see it that way.

May God brew with you

The next time you walk into a bar, be careful, there may be a church service going on.

Across the country, several churches are turning to suds to attract new congregants. Most of the ministries are Lutheran, which makes sense, because only heathens could come up with an idea like this. Other congregations stay in their churches and bring craft beer to the pews.

So if you’ve got a hangover on Sunday morning, maybe you should have the hair of the dog with Jesus.

Amid supply shortfall, wine industry hopes Jesus comes back soon

Because of the shortage of grapes, it is no longer peanut butter jelly time.
Because of the shortage of grapes, it is no longer peanut butter jelly time.

Folks, we got some shocking news for the purple-toothed. You may want to put your breakfast cab down for a moment: the world is running out of wine.

According to the lushes at Morgan Stanley Research, all the wine-producing countries in the world fell short of global demand by 300 million cases, or as they call it in France, “Wednesday.” It’s the biggest wine shortfall in your lifetime, and next year doesn’t look much better.

What’s the solution? Wean your girlfriend off of wine and get her to start drinking beer and liquor. Just make sure she doesn’t learn to like whiskey, you don’t want to have to share your stash.

Is your pint really a pint?

Folks, for too long, the American people have been getting fleeced. They spend their hard-earned money, and expect to get what they pay for, only to be swindled. Michigan is looking to take a stand for those who belly up to the bar.

A bill being considered in the state House would prevent bars and restaurants from the dirty practice of offering “pints” that are really only 12 fluid ounces. (We don’t need to tell you fine drinkers that a pint is 16.) The Guys would like to see a law like this get adopted nationwide.

Or, you could do what we do, and make friends with the bartenders and get free drinks.