In Florida, gators are currency

In Florida, one of the biggest fronts in our War on Animals, one tactical genius may have figured out how to defeat our enemies: use them as currency.

Police charged a Miami man with illegally capturing an alligator, after they say he tried to trade one for beer at a convenience store. The gator was about four feet long and still alive, so really, that should be worth a case or two. Unfortunately, the clerk, and the authorities he called, didn’t see it that way.

May God brew with you

The next time you walk into a bar, be careful, there may be a church service going on.

Across the country, several churches are turning to suds to attract new congregants. Most of the ministries are Lutheran, which makes sense, because only heathens could come up with an idea like this. Other congregations stay in their churches and bring craft beer to the pews.

So if you’ve got a hangover on Sunday morning, maybe you should have the hair of the dog with Jesus.

Amid supply shortfall, wine industry hopes Jesus comes back soon

Because of the shortage of grapes, it is no longer peanut butter jelly time.
Because of the shortage of grapes, it is no longer peanut butter jelly time.

Folks, we got some shocking news for the purple-toothed. You may want to put your breakfast cab down for a moment: the world is running out of wine.

According to the lushes at Morgan Stanley Research, all the wine-producing countries in the world fell short of global demand by 300 million cases, or as they call it in France, “Wednesday.” It’s the biggest wine shortfall in your lifetime, and next year doesn’t look much better.

What’s the solution? Wean your girlfriend off of wine and get her to start drinking beer and liquor. Just make sure she doesn’t learn to like whiskey, you don’t want to have to share your stash.

Is your pint really a pint?

Folks, for too long, the American people have been getting fleeced. They spend their hard-earned money, and expect to get what they pay for, only to be swindled. Michigan is looking to take a stand for those who belly up to the bar.

A bill being considered in the state House would prevent bars and restaurants from the dirty practice of offering “pints” that are really only 12 fluid ounces. (We don’t need to tell you fine drinkers that a pint is 16.) The Guys would like to see a law like this get adopted nationwide.

Or, you could do what we do, and make friends with the bartenders and get free drinks.

Drink your whiskey by the barrel

You may have heard that in states where it’s legal, Wal-Mart is getting into selling alcohol, at times, offering beer nearly at cost, in an effort to get people to associate the community-crushing warehouse store chain with booze. Looks like it’s serious.

Sam’s Club is now selling Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel whiskey still in the barrel it’s named after. It can be yours for only $9,660 before tax. Feel like going a bit cheaper for your big party this weekend? Get a barrel of regular Jack Daniel’s for just $7,680.

The Guys will be organizing a Kickstarter fund any day now.

The beer of the damned

Got big weekend plans? Whatever you do, do not grab some Buds. You may wind up in the hospital.

According to researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, if you wind up in the emergency room after drinking, it’s very likely that you were drinking Budweiser. By drinking Bud Light, you only slightly decrease your chances. In fact, those are the only regular beers that will do that to you, because the next most common injury-related swills were Steel Reserve, Colt 45, Bud Ice (all malt liquors) and Barton’s vodka, which is probably rotgut.

What is it about Budweiser that causes its drinkers to injure themselves? Legend has it that every time Anheuser-Busch put a regional brewery out of business in the mid-20th century, its owners would put a hex on the growing beer monstrosity. Now, the souls of those breweries have come back to exact their revenge on Budweiser drinkers. Not even a clydesdale can help you outrun your fate.

In the war for a buzz, an important battle has been won

Affordable health care? Improving public education? Bah, those are unimportant things we’ll get around to fixing. But threaten to lower the alcohol content in Maker’s Mark, and America will fight you.

Last week, Maker’s Mark, makers of Maker’s Mark bourbon, said it would be temporarily diluting its product from 90 to 84 proof in order to keep up with soaring demand. That’s when the people fought back.

Even though the dilution was promised not to affect the taste, drinkers took to the internet, demanding their hootch stay at the same level. On Sunday, Maker’s Mark announced that they scuttled plans to dilute any more bottles.

Let’s stagger on to Jack Daniel’s, citizens!

Put down the bottle when seeking a job

As it turns out, you shouldn’t drink during a job interview.

That’s exactly what science tells us. Even though it improves your vocabulary, American bosses look down on you when you order alcohol while being interviewed–in a dinner setting, that is. If you’re having your job interview in the office conference room and you order a drink, your potential employer may think you are needy. Model workers bring their own sauce with them.

Of course, if you offer them some hootch, it’s certain you’ll get in their good graces.

Fruits of the poisonous tree

Men in Columbia are like men anywhere else, aside from the fact that they hang people in helicopters from time to time.

If you saw cases of beer left unattended at a city dump, what would you do? Would you go over and comfort the lonely bottles, letting them know it would all be OK? Would you rescue them, take them home and adopt them?

That’s exactly what two sanitation workers in Columbia did. Rescuing 50 of 700 cases of expired beer from the depths of abandonment at the dump. Now they might be charged with theft of city property.

FREE THE COLUMBIA TWO!

Isn’t it time you got a closer view of your carpet?

Do you like beer, but hate the way you have to drink several of them in order to get a proper buzz? Switch to liquor! Or stop drinking for a few days to lower your tolerance!

Or, you could pick up a case of BrewDog’s new Tactical Nuclear Penguin, it’s beer, it’s made in Scotland, and it’s being introduced here. Oh, and it’s also the new champ for highest alcohol by volume, with 32%. For those of you keeping score, that’s 64 proof, just shy of your favorite liquors. The previous record holder, Samuel Adams’ Utopias only has 24% ABV, or 48 proof.

Just in time for the weekend.