A morning eye opener

A new survey most likely put out by people with Down’s syndrome found out a shocking “new” fact: teen drinkers are getting their alcohol from adults! Even worse, they are getting it for free.

This is shocking news, folks. How is this possible? Could it be that their parents have a pretty good stash in their liquor cabinet? Or maybe that anyone who can legally purchase alcohol in the first place is an adult. Come on, do these survey people think that teens get booze from other teens, or possibly even younger kids?

What this blog finds shocking is that the teens are getting schnockered for free. This must be stopped at once. We need to enstill in our nation’s youth the motivation and pride that comes from employment. We need to teach them that it is time to go out, get a part-time job, then come home and give us adults money so we can illegally buy them alcohol–with a tip, of course.

Coming home from work after a five-hour shift will show them the true importance of a drink, anyway.

A call to arms

When the post category is Booze News, it’s not often the news is shocking enough for people to do anything but drink in protest. This is not the case for today’s shocking news: InBev is attempting a hostile takeover of the world’s largest producer of beer, Anheuser-Busch.

You may not know InBev, but you know their labels, among which are Beck’s and Stella Artois. Their bid to buy Anheuser has sparked a lot of anger in Americans, who see the over-carbonated, watery beer as an American staple, like baseball and apple pie.

There is only one thing we can do, fellow boozers, we must boycott these tasty foreign brews and march stagger on InBev’s headquarters in Europe. In America, no one makes bad beer but Americans!

Whiskey business

In the realm of at least you’ve got your priorities straight, these at-large criminals at least know what is important. A trailer that had been stolen from a Bojangles’ (yeah, you read it right) parking lot in early May has been discovered. However, the cargo, $150,000 worth of liquor, still remains to be found.

To demonstrate exactly what we’re looking at here, $150,000 equals the following:
-3,128.25 handles of Jack Daniel’s
-9,091 bottles of Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog
-12,195 handles of Aristocrat Vodka
-1 night with Bryan McBournie