You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.
But then, something changed.
According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.
You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.
A new study shows that in Canada, 10 percent of the population that is over the age of 15, is boozing up 53 percent of the nation’s inebriating beverages. And to that we say, Canada just got 10 percent cooler in our books; however, we still think the remaining 90 percent of your country under or over the age of 15 are a bunch of freeloading Frenchies.
We found out during the campaign that the man who now is going to be our next president (how’s THAT for some fun grammar?) is not a bad guy to have at a bar. However, we now know he’s way cooler than we ever expected. Better yet, he knows journalists.
While on vacation in Hawaii, President-elect Barack Obama ran into some journalists at a snack bar while he was golfing. In an effort to shoo them away, he suggested they go to the bar and drink. Then he said he’d buy them a round if they went up to the bar (called the 19th hole on golf courses) and drank.
This shows amazing perception on Obama’s part, because (ethics be damned!) if there’s one thing more tempting to a reporter than alcohol, it’s free alcohol. And if there’s one thing more tempting than free alcohol, it’s a challenge to drink that free alcohol.
Yet, some namby pamby CNN reporter named Ed Henry, had to go and sound like our current teetotaler president.
“And just for the record: your faithful correspondent, while enjoying the wonders of Waikiki beach, never drinks — at least not on the job.”
Henry, you are a disgrace to your profession.
Good morning, time for a belt. First off, while we advocate the consumption of alcohol, especially on long flights, where it is needed to dull the pain of constant probing, we do not condone hijacking a plane while doing so. However, that may be a new drink name.
Moving along, we’ve got some bad news for you sots out there: your brain is smaller than your teetotaler friends (like you associate with those types). The bad news here is that a study found regular drinkers and even occasional partakers lost brain mass at a faster rate than those lame-os who have never touched the stuff.
But there is hope! Another new study hints that using the Internet regularly can keep your brain smarter for longer in your life. The theory is that it makes you do a whole bunch of complex thinking, so it keeps the brain active, which is apparently good.
This means it is also a great counter to the brain-shrinking effects of alcohol. And we already know that Google Mail will keep you from sending drunk e-mail messages, so now Web surfing drunk is safe and healthy. Hooray for science!
In what be yet more other possible health code violation news: a St. Kilda, Australia, pub be coming under (chain shot) fire fer its “No Undie Sundie” promotion. Apparently, encouragin’ lasses to take off their undergarments in exchange for a $50 drink card just wasn’t the smartest idea. Who would’ve guessed? Certainly not Joe Francis. Personally, the capitalist landlubber with book learnin’ in business thinks that it’s brilliant, of course, but hey, that just be me.
A new survey most likely put out by people with Down’s syndrome found out a shocking “new” fact: teen drinkers are getting their alcohol from adults! Even worse, they are getting it for free.
This is shocking news, folks. How is this possible? Could it be that their parents have a pretty good stash in their liquor cabinet? Or maybe that anyone who can legally purchase alcohol in the first place is an adult. Come on, do these survey people think that teens get booze from other teens, or possibly even younger kids?
What this blog finds shocking is that the teens are getting schnockered for free. This must be stopped at once. We need to enstill in our nation’s youth the motivation and pride that comes from employment. We need to teach them that it is time to go out, get a part-time job, then come home and give us adults money so we can illegally buy them alcohol–with a tip, of course.
Coming home from work after a five-hour shift will show them the true importance of a drink, anyway.
When the post category is Booze News, it’s not often the news is shocking enough for people to do anything but drink in protest. This is not the case for today’s shocking news: InBev is attempting a hostile takeover of the world’s largest producer of beer, Anheuser-Busch.
You may not know InBev, but you know their labels, among which are Beck’s and Stella Artois. Their bid to buy Anheuser has sparked a lot of anger in Americans, who see the over-carbonated, watery beer as an American staple, like baseball and apple pie.
There is only one thing we can do, fellow boozers, we must boycott these tasty foreign brews and march stagger on InBev’s headquarters in Europe. In America, no one makes bad beer but Americans!
In the realm of at least you’ve got your priorities straight, these at-large criminals at least know what is important. A trailer that had been stolen from a Bojangles’ (yeah, you read it right) parking lot in early May has been discovered. However, the cargo, $150,000 worth of liquor, still remains to be found.
To demonstrate exactly what we’re looking at here, $150,000 equals the following:
-3,128.25 handles of Jack Daniel’s
-9,091 bottles of Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog
-12,195 handles of Aristocrat Vodka
-1 night with Bryan McBournie