Have a beer to boost creativity, researchers say

Don’t you hate it when you’ve had a few drinks, then you come up with a great idea but forget to write it down? From now on, you should have a paper and pencil with you, because drinking helps you brainstorm.

According to scientists in Austria, having a pint of beer or glass of wine makes you think in more creative ways. That means you should lobby your boss to allow drinking in the office so you can be a better problem solver. We recommend first getting your boss a little drunk first. You know, so he or she is thinking more creatively..

The test also showed that alcohol wrecks basically all your non-creative thinking, and especially your concentration. But you didn’t have the attention span to read this far down, anyway.

Science: Your goldfish might be drunk

It may be summer right now, but when the cold winter nights come back, what’s better than a good drink to warm you up inside? Researchers say that goldfish do the same thing.

According to scientists, goldfish and their wild cousins the crucian carp, have the ability produce their own alcohol, which allows them to survive in winter conditions. The fish can’t get rid of lactic acid in oxygen-free water because they can’t breathe. Instead, they convert the lactic acid into ethanol, and they can go for months like this.

The researchers found that the fish have pretty high blood alcohol content levels–so much so that they wouldn’t be allowed to drive in most countries. So remember, do not let your goldfish drive, no matter how much it begs.

Always check your beer for lizards before drinking

It’s summertime and nothing sounds better than a nice cold beer to cool off. Unfortunately, humans aren’t the only ones thinking that way these days.

A man in California is suing Heineken after he found not one, but two dead geckos in his beer. He noticed an off taste from the beer, which shows he has a refined palette, since it’s Heineken, and became sickened after the two lizards were found at the bottom of the bottle. This incident happened two years ago, but the lawsuit is new, and given that lizard beer seems to be a worldwide trend, it seems like a good time to panic.

Remember, you should find happiness, not lizards, at the bottom of your drink.

Only in Philly is cheap beer considered a problem

Philadelphia as a city peaked 241 years ago, when a bunch of out-of-towners showed up and signed their names on a piece of paper that sits in another city. Now the cheese steak-eating dumpster swimmers who live there have another thing to complain about: soda prices.

The city’s tax on soda is so high that beer actually costs less than soda, according to a study by the Tax Foundation, which you can guess by the name thinks that taxes in general are bad. The foundation bemoans that people are going to drive outside of the city limits so that they can escape this tyrannical tax on sugar water.

This study has an obvious flaw: it assumes that inexpensive beer is a problem. We’re smack dab in the middle of a craft beer revolution, not to mention a decades-long decline in soda consumption. Complaining about a soda tax is like complaining about rock music — no one cares about it anymore, we moved on. As long as the beer prices are down, it will truly always be sunny in Philadelphia.

Editor’s note: The only reason to drink soda is when it’s a mixer.

Royally drunk: Queen Elizabeth is a binge drinker

The picture was taken at six in the morning.

Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.

According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.

That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.

College is no longer the place to party, survey finds

The war on sobriety is being lost in what was once thought to be a stronghold of drunkenness: college. And we’re baffled as to why.

According to a recent study of adults aged 18 to 24, binge drinking is down. (For those of you playing at home, the study defined binge drinking as five or more drinks on one occasion.) The findings are particularly concerning, as the numbers had been on the rise in recent years. In college, you’re stuck in one place, surrounded by people your age, and paying bills with money you haven’t earned. Why wouldn’t you binge drink?

But there is a bright point. It seems that adults 18 to 24 who have not attended college are picking up the slack in alcohol consumption. Perhaps it is no longer cool to stay in school.

Eclipse watchers loading up on booze, weed

There’s a solar eclipse headed our way next month. It’s going to cut across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina. And like a full moon, it’s driving people crazy.

People are buying up hotel rooms and any other lodging accommodations they can to be in the path of the Aug. 21 solar eclipse. But they don’t want to just see it happen, the want to get loaded for it, too. In Oregon, locals are bracing for a rush of people coming to their area, and stores selling alcohol and marijuana are stocking up to meet their every need. The state liquor board predicts an 20 to 40% increase in sales, and some marijuana shops expect their sales to at least double.

So when the eclipse comes, it won’t just be the sun that’s blacked out.

Man’s collection of 9,000 beer cans going up for sale

A lot of people like beer, but it takes a certain type of beer fan to collect beer cans. We’re not talking about the empties in your recycling bin, we mean organized, preserved beer cans put on display. If this sounds like you, you’re in luck.

In England, one man is getting rid of his collection of 9,000-plus beer can collection. And if you guessed that it’s because his wife is tired of it, pat yourself on the back. In 1975, the woman who would later become Nick West’s wife gave him a book on beer, kicking off his collection. Since then, he has tracked down and bought thousands of different beer cans for what he calls his library. Now, they happy couple plan to downsize to a smaller house, and West’s wife doesn’t want the cans crowding up the new place.

So if you’re a beer can collector, and single, it might be time to reach out and make a purchase.

Man gets arrested, out of jury duty for showing up drunk

Jury duty is a hassle for most people, which is why jokes about how to get out of serving on jury are so popular. But if you try one of these schemes, make sure it doesn’t put you in jail.

In Texas, authorities say a 23-year-old man showed up for jury duty visibly drunk with a beer in hand. The man was seen on the courthouse steps in a stupor, drinking from a large cup. Deputies soon found the man was there for jury duty, and the cup in question had beer in it.

He was arrested and charged with public intoxication. And he probably got out of jury duty, too.

Animals won’t stop attacking our liquor stores

If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.

For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.

Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.