Science: Rodent relationships end if they don’t drink the same

A couple is happy until one starts drinking too much, and before long, the relationship is over. It’s a well-known tale — at least in prairie vole circles.

According to a new study, prairie voles (picture morbidly obese field mice) don’t end up staying together if they don’t drink about the same amount of alcohol. Voles have life-long monogamous relationships, but alcohol can get in the way. The more alcohol a male vole drinks, the more likely he is to go find another female to mate with, while the more of a lush the female vole, the more likely she is to stay with her original mate.

Researchers determined this by monitoring voles’ alcohol intake, and listening to them drunkenly ramble on about how their wives just don’t understand them.

Drinking helps you slur in foreign languages

You plan a big trip to somewhere that your native language isn’t widely spoken, so you learn some important phrases. Then when you get there decide to just go with hand gestures. If only you’d had a couple drinks first.

Researchers in Europe have found that if you have a couple snorts in you, you’re more fluent in a foreign language. This seems counterintuitive, because alcohol makes us worse at talking in our native tongues. But a study found that native German speakers who have learned a working knowledge Dutch and had a buzz going were more fluent than their sober counterparts. The thinking is that alcohol gives you a little courage to speak a different language.

The down side is that you’re probably more likely to ramble in a different language, too.

Drink your menopause away

Hi ladies. You probably haven’t gone through menopause if you’re a reader of this site, but that day will come one day. And we’re here to tell you that you won’t have to fear all the negative symptoms, because you can self medicate with beer.

Portsmouth Brewery in New Hampshire (which The Guys have been to) has created a beer designed to alleviate the symptoms associated with menopause. Brewers consulted with herbalists to create a beer that has herbal remedies for stuff like hot flashes, sleeplessness and mood swings. They call it “Libeeration,” and it checks in at 6.1%, which is good, because being able to get a good buzz going can relieve a lot of different symptoms.

We’ll believe that a beer can stop mood swings when bars no longer have people crying in their drinks.

Neighbors think Jack Daniel’s flag supports ISIS

Heritage, not hate.

Everyone gets so down on Americans. It’s constant comedy fodder to make fun of a fat, drunk ignorant American in U.S. comedy, and that trope has certainly made it overseas. The problem is that people in other countries forget that they suck, too. You know who sucks? The Swiss.

Switzerland is known for being an ever-neutral nation of people who can’t decide whether they want to be culturally German or French, as if it’s a hard choice. And good news, Americans, the Swiss have annoying neighbors, too! A man in Zurich flew a Jack Daniel’s flag outside his home because he likes whiskey and doesn’t know what warning signs are.

Before long, his neighbors wrote him a letter expressing their displeasure that he would fly an ISIS flag outside his house. His neighbors claim to know nothing about the letting, because the U.S. doesn’t corner the market on passive aggressive neighbors. Despite worries for his safety, the man has vowed to keep flying his flag, a flag that symbolizes freedom from sobriety, and dumbass neighbors.

Guy says aliens got him drunk, sent him back in time

It’s always been the favorite argument of time travel skeptics: If time travel is possible, why haven’t we seen any time travelers? That excuse just got blown to bits.

In Casper, Wyoming, police were called to a residence on Monday and found a man who said he was from the future. Also, he was visibly drunk. Authorities say Bryant Johnson claimed to be from the year 2048, and he had traveled back in time with an urgent message: aliens are going to invade next year, so prepare.

The future is weird. Johnson said aliens sent him back in time by filling him up with booze and having him stand on a pad. The aliens must have been drunk, too, because Johnson said he was supposed travel back to 2018, not 2017.

It’s been 48 hours, so there’s a good chance Johnson has that alien future booze out of his system. We’ll see if he has any other warnings for us in the days ahead.

Drinking makes you feel good, science claims

Everyone, stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath and collect yourself. The next sentence is so earth-shattering you will likely never view life the same way again. Beer makes you happy.

Researchers in Germany (of course) have found that a compound in beer called Hordenine activate the dopamine receptors in your brain. Meaning, your brain basically treats the compound as if it were dopamine. Scientists said Hordenine is found in beer because large amounts of it exist in malted barley, a key ingredient in beer.

Ready for some even better news? Barley is also used to make a lot of whiskies, so it seems likely to us that the same compound will be found in the brown stuff, too.

It’s Friday, go out and make yourself happy.

39% of people have been drunk, naked in public

You can’t consider yourself an experienced drinker unless you know someone who has gotten naked in public, according to a new survey.

Some 39% of Americans said they have disrobed in public while drunk. That’s a little over one in three people. If that sounds high to you, just know that it is completely accurate for The Guys. (We’ll let you fantasize about which one it is.) The survey asked if people had ever gotten publicly naked, not if they often do, so one time counts. And those who said they had stripped said they had been drinking beer when it happened, so your whitty T-shirt sayings about tequila are false.

Also, only 9% had been arrested while drunk (The Guys are higher), 6% had set fires (way higher) and 3% had gotten a tattoo (accurate).

How does your group of friends match up?

Science can make drinks out o’ thin air

Livin’ the dream.

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day, ye swabs! By now ye should know about this high holiday, and if ye don’t, ye can figure out how to celebrate. Let us talk about a new way to make booze while cleanin’ up the air.

Scientists agree that climate change is real, and fer we pirates, that means fewer islands to pillage because of rising sea levels, and stronger hurricanes that could sink us. But now we might be able to take carbon emissions out o’ the air and put them to good use: getting us drunk. Ph.D student Ming Ma has devised a way to take carbon emissions captured from smokestacks and turn them into a variety of chemicals, especially ethanol. Ye may know ethanol as a fancy word fer grog.

We can make alcohol from the air. What a glorious time to be a pirate.

Fun police won’t let New Zealand barbershops serve free drinks

The Kiwis have come up with an ingenious idea, as long as you don’t mind a little hair in your drink. But it could be last call for a policy we need to adopt in the U.S.

Many New Zealand barbershops give complimentary glasses of beer or wine with a haircut. Yes, there is free beer served at barbershops. Customers can sip away while their barber does his or her thing. But now, the police are cracking down on this amazing policy, because someone out there isn’t happy with people boozing it up in that sort of setting.

The Guys have been around a while. We’ve never traveled to New Zealand, but it seems like news of such an awesome and apparently nationwide tradition would have reached us several times over by now. With Movember around the corner, perhaps we should plan a trip.

Family waits to be dug out of avalanche with a lot of wine

Speaking of coping with natural disasters through inebriation, what’s going on in the half of the world where it’s winter?

In New Zealand, a family was enjoying an annual trip to a mountain lodge, when an avalanche ruined things. The lodge wasn’t hit, and the family was safe, but the only road to and from the lodge was buried under a whole lot of snow. The family was cut off from civilization, and were told that crews would take a few days to clear the road for them again.

They didn’t panic, and told the media that things were going well because they still had plenty of wine. Always pack accordingly for your vacation.