Tag: booze

Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!

As a driver, I happen to know that I am the very best driver there is.

Don’t pretend it isn’t true. Fess up. You’ve got tickets. There was that little fender-bender a few years ago. And that was somebody’s grandmother you just flipped off.

I, however, have no such issues. My relatively few tickets and whoopsies (“accidents” are so formal) weren’t due to driver incompetence; they were because of booze. And we all know that alcoholism is a disease. You wouldn’t blame someone’s tumor for groping you in the elevator, right? Right.

But maintaining my flawless (sober) record is wearing my nerves out. I’ve raised the bar very slowly the past 10 years, dispelling the naysayers with commute after commute of form-perfect driving, but you other drivers refuse to follow my example.

Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy! You’ve caught me in between my annual Labor Day Weekend Mad Max Trilogy Parties*, so I’m itching for street justice! I won’t be sated until red lights are obeyed, blood is on the street or AMC runs those movies very, very soon.

Here’s how it’s gonna go down: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Street, street justice!

A call to arms

When the post category is Booze News, it’s not often the news is shocking enough for people to do anything but drink in protest. This is not the case for today’s shocking news: InBev is attempting a hostile takeover of the world’s largest producer of beer, Anheuser-Busch.

You may not know InBev, but you know their labels, among which are Beck’s and Stella Artois. Their bid to buy Anheuser has sparked a lot of anger in Americans, who see the over-carbonated, watery beer as an American staple, like baseball and apple pie.

There is only one thing we can do, fellow boozers, we must boycott these tasty foreign brews and march stagger on InBev’s headquarters in Europe. In America, no one makes bad beer but Americans!

Driiiinks in spaaaaaace

You’ve tried every beer. You are tired of hearing the same old thing from beer merchants trying to sell you something that will taste better and get you more buzzed than ever. You just might be chasing the beer dragon. Fear not, bored boozer! Japan has come up with something that raises the bar several miles up: space beer.

Sapporo Breweries Ltd. has grown barley from grains that were taken into space and is using them for its new experimental beer. This is much like having a conversation with an astronaut’s son, it puts you less than three degrees away from space.

In other hammered happenings, the Anglo-commies have banned booze on London’s subway system, the Tube. Before the ban took effect on Sunday, English people held a system-wide party Saturday night drinking whatever they felt like bringing with them.

This is the latest assault on transportation-related multitasking. A similar ban is already in effect on drinking in car. However, it is still legal to drink while floating around on an umbrella.

Wine does lead to longer life

Though it may be the early morning, that is no excuse not to have a drink in hand, especially with the grim news ahead. Wine magnate Robert Mondavi is dead at the age of 94. The wine king is dead, long live the wine king.

Mondavi is largely credited with creating the California wine industry decades ago, and in so doing, inspiring Sideways. He started the industry by getting a wine recipe from a public library and selling his home brew. So have a glass in honor of the man, then make sure to brush your teeth, they’re red.

Expressions of love

There’s a lot of talk going around amongst the womenfolk about how there are no good men out there, or that men are in capable of a meaningful relationship. We submit this to you as evidence to the contrary.

An Australian man was getting into his car with his 5-year-old daughter in one arm and a case of beer in the other. Being a responsible parent, and protecting what he loves, he buckled in one of the passengers. The only problem is he buckled in his beer and not his daughter. Strangely enough, the police were not happy to find this, and fined him A$750.

In Chicago, for some strange reason, one man calls Pabst Blue Ribbon his favorite beer. In case you one day happen to attend his funeral, you will know it, too, because he has designed a coffin that looks like a can of the beer. And for those of you entering the cause of death pool, cirrhosis has been taken already.

Amy Winehouse: Fun chick at a bar

Few singers have break out hits that are really about their personal lives, Amy Winehouse is one of those few. (For those of you who don’t know, her hit single is “Sweet Home Alabama.”) The English singer has been in and out and in and out of rehab, but now it appears she’s in trouble with the law once again.

Winehouse, whose name appears to be as booze-soaked as she was, took on two men in a barroom brawl in London recently. She allegedly hit one man who got in her way while she was playing pool and headbutted a “bloke” as he tried to hail her a cab–both grounds for suspected assault.

Oddly enough, alcohol may have been involved.

Master of marital arts

When a couple gets married it is a cause for celebration (unless it is one of those marriages). And different people have different ways of celebrating. Some dance and enjoy the open bar, some practice their bicycle kicks.

A Pennsylvania couple were married recently and held their reception at a local Holiday Inn. As the happy couple entered their hotel room, the groom, apparently not planning on consummating the marriage that evening, kicked his new bride. A fight between the two lovebirds broke out, causing guests from another wedding to rush over and see what the clamoring was about.

When the two men got a hold of the groom, the bride began attacking them, too. The fight spilled into the hallway and the police had to be called in. Strangely enough, alcohol may have been a factor. Mazeltov!

Oh yeah? Rake this, sucker!

In other news of drunken attacks between friends, two friends in Springfield, Massachusetts were hanging out, drinking some beer and doing some yard work. The usual. But then, things turned ugly.

The two friends got into an argument, and while the details are not quite clear, somebody got whacked around with a rake. Proving once again the age old addage, “Don’t drink a lot of beer with your friend while raking leaves, then insult his sister, because you may end up being an assault victim.”

The rake was not available for comment.

April 15 is almost here, better drink up

Just a reminder to all the tanked out there: your taxes are due next week. You might want to think about filing them. One good reason is that it allows you to get your tax return back. We know what that means–booze money.

There’s another good reason, especially if you live in New Jersey. You can have your taxes done for you while you’re hanging out at a bar. CPA Carmine Sodora can take care or your W2s while you get wasted. We all know it would certainly take the pain out of doing your own taxes, which drives you to drink anyway. This way, you don’t have to feel bad about doing so, or explain to the IRS audit guy why your penmanship gets sloppier and sloppier as you go down the page.