Man passes out on parked car, wakes up traveling down interstate

It’s something we all learn in driver’s ed: when you get in your car, check your mirrors to make sure there’s no drunk person passed out on your trunk.

In Memphis, a couple had a sinking feeling when they got pulled over on the interstate, but it turned out not to be for a driving infraction. The police officer who pulled them over asked them if they knew that there was a body on top of their trunk. They did not.

They soon discovered that a drunk guy had passed out on their car in a downtown parking lot, and because the couple didn’t notice him there, he laid there, curled up and unconscious, for 14 miles on the interstate.

Police haven’t charged the drunk man, which is good, because there is no way they have a law on the books against having someone else drive you home when you’re drunk.

Study: Journalists’ brains don’t work good due to booze, caffeine

Journalists are all idiots, just ask your average Fox News viewer. In terms of popularity, journalists often poll lower than lawyers, but still ahead of members of Congress. Now, scientists believe they have figured out why reporters are so dumb.

According to a study, journalists’ brains are inhibited because they drink so much alcohol and caffeine. Neuroscientist Tara Swart found that their brains’ executive functioning skills were lower, which was attributed to dehydration (from alcohol), caffeine, and foods high in sugar. However, their brains were better able to spot patterns that weren’t immediately obvious.

Even the dumbest of journalists will point out that the study has not been peer-reviewed, and had a sample size of just 31. This drunken, jittery reporter is happy to donate his brain to science if there’s another round of tests.

Canada apologizes, recalls high-proof gin for being too awesome

There is a land, a magical land, where your favorite booze is twice as strong as it used to be. And for a short time, that wonderful land was Canada.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency announced that it is recalling 1.14 liter bottles (Really? 1.14 liters?) of Bombay Sapphire gin because it’s a higher proof than what the label says. It’s supposed to be 80 proof, but the bottles in question are more like 154 proof because they weren’t diluted properly. This means that unless they are foolish enough to return their treasures, some lucky Canadians are going to really enjoy the NHL playoffs.

The Guys are already planning a road trip.

Science: Drink with friends to lower your tolerance

We’ve heard for years the saying that you shouldn’t drink alone, but what if that actually had some scientific backing? Drunken crayfish are here to back it up.

Researchers at the University of Maryland have found that social crayfish get drunker faster than crayfish that drink on their own. They put some crayfish in their own tanks for 10 days to desocialize them, and kept a bunch of other crayfish in the same tank. They found that when pure alcohol was added into the tanks, the social ones acted drunker than the loner crayfish. The findings could mean that there is a link between social interaction and the effects of alcohol.

Or that social crayfish are just playing it up to impress their friends.

Drunk man fights back against robot uprising

In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.

Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.

Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.

British continue tradition of drunkenly acquiring land

In 1620, a group of British religious zealots decided to set up shop on Cape Cod because they were running out of beer. It wasn’t the first time booze was involved in land acquisition, and it wouldn’t be the last. In fact, it just happened.

A British man posted on Reddit last week asking if anyone knew the location of a seemingly random parcel of land in Little Rock, Arkansas. He was asking about it, after being told by his friends that he had gotten drunk and bought the land. It was part of his brilliant plan to post a sign with his friend’s face on the land, so that it would show up on Google Maps one day, which sounds exactly like a plan one would make if they were drunk.

Also, being drunk helps make living in Little Rock more attractive.

Ohio halfway house takes pro-booze, stripper approach

If you’re newly out of jail, recovering from an addiction or are overcoming some kind of psychiatric illness, you’re going to have to readjust to society. It’s best to do that gradually, so you don’t fall back into the situation that got you there in the first place. That’s why we have halfway houses. But one Ohio halfway house is asking, “Why can’t the employees have a good time?”

The fun police in Ohio are going after the leaders of an Ohio halfway house for spending taxpayer money on booze, strippers and trips to cool places like Las Vegas. An audit found about $20,000 in unauthorized spending so that managers and a few employees could booze it up before and during conferences, bringing along family members and living large on the community center’s credit card. The director and deputy director are

The unorthodox approach to rehabilitating members of our community should be lauded, not scorned, for trying something new. What better way to help people than to better understand the vices they are trying to escape from?

One day we will travel to a beer planet

When scientists make a discovery, they can name that thing pretty much whatever they want. There don’t seem to be any real naming rules for stuff, and that’s how we end up with spiders being named for a hat in Harry Potter. Fortunately, a lot of researchers out there like booze.

A group of researchers at Belgium’s University of Liege are big fans of Trappist beers, so much so that they named a planetary system after them. TRAPPIST-1 is a short 40 light-years away, and has seven Earth-size planets, and three of them could even support life. And now, each of the planets bears the name of a Trappist brewery, such as Chimay, Westmalle and Spencer.

Trappist beers come from monasteries that brew their own beer as a means of financially supporting themselves. They have a certification and everything. It makes sense that a bunch of dudes hanging out for the rest of their lives would figure out how to make beer on the side.

Unfortunately, this means that it’s inevitable that some American scientist will discover the planet Budweiser.

Apparently teachers aren’t allowed to drink in class

Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.

In South Carolina, a substitute teacher was arrested for drinking in front of high school students in class. According to authorities, the woman had a box of wine in her purse, which is saying something about the size of her purse.

Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.

Is there booze in your chicken nuggets?

Chicken nuggets are the food of choice for small child and lazy bachelor alike. They provide just enough meat under all that breading to make us feel like we’re eating something of substance. But in light of Subway’s chicken only being half chicken, are we sure that our chicken is really chicken?

In Michigan, a county commissioner blamed chicken nuggets for his DUI arrest. According to authorities, Montcalm County Commissioner Jeremy Miller was pulled over for speeding, and tested for a 0.14 BAC. When he was arrested for driving under the influence, he said it was “because I was being stupid, those damn chicken nuggets.”

This begs the question, what if there really was booze in the man’s chicken nuggets? Where can you order these things? Can you make them at home, like you inject vodka into watermelons? The world must know.