Science: Booze is good for your brain

Large amounts of alcohol are known to have an ill effect on the brain (aside from headaches), but new research suggests that lower amounts can actually improve your brain function. That’s right, booze not only makes you feel smarter, it might actually make you smarter, too.

Researchers have found that lower amounts of alcohol, we’re talking a drink or two tops, can help improve the function of the glymphatic system, which helps clear waste from the body. Mice that were given small amounts of booze showed had less inflamed glial cells in the brain than mice that weren’t given a drop. Meaning, the alcohol actually helped the mice clean their brains faster than if they’d just stayed sober.

So if your brain could use a good cleaning, maybe relax with a couple drinks and let the booze do the work.

Don’t drink beer like the ancient Greeks

“Name an IPA after me, not that jerk Pliny.”

When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.

Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.

The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?

In the war for a buzz, an important battle has been won

Affordable health care? Improving public education? Bah, those are unimportant things we’ll get around to fixing. But threaten to lower the alcohol content in Maker’s Mark, and America will fight you.

Last week, Maker’s Mark, makers of Maker’s Mark bourbon, said it would be temporarily diluting its product from 90 to 84 proof in order to keep up with soaring demand. That’s when the people fought back.

Even though the dilution was promised not to affect the taste, drinkers took to the internet, demanding their hootch stay at the same level. On Sunday, Maker’s Mark announced that they scuttled plans to dilute any more bottles.

Let’s stagger on to Jack Daniel’s, citizens!

Happy meals? Try sloshed meals

In late April, McDonald’s Japan opened its largest branch in Harajuku Omotesando. The store is approximately 795 square feet and can seat up to 328 hungry customers. Very soon the restaurant will also have its very own cafe, where customers will be able to order coffee right down to the most specific of desire.

According to reports, the Harajuku Omotesando branch was designed to appeal to a more adult and trendy demographic than usual, which seems to be a recurring trend with fast food restaurants in Japan these days. The going rumor is that it will try to compete with a KFC that serves whiskey.

We at SG know the only smart way to do that: more whiskey and booze.

Drink a piece of history

Some time in the early 19th century a ship was sailing across the Baltic Sea, bringing its cargo of champagne to the thirsty citizens on the distant shore. Only something went wrong, and the ship sank, taking the beloved booze with it.

Today, you can own a bottle of the oldest champagne around. The shipwreck was found last fall and bottles of champagne (and beer) were found, and as we called it all those months ago, the hootch is now up for auction! We don’t know about the beer and the other bottles, but two bottles of champagne will be up for auction in June, so get your wallets ready, drunkards.

French cops denied happy juice, throw temper-tantrum

Say what you want about we A-mur-icans, but at least we generally have the courtesy to not drink on the job unless we’re paid to do so. Or, it makes us more efficient and effective in our work, one or the other.

France? Not so much allegedly for their riot cops.

That’s right, French riot cops are upset that they’re not being allowed to drink while on duty. Right, the muscular cops that wield heavy-duty billy clubs, tear gas grenades and full-time kevlar vests are apparently having a tiff that they can’t have a glass of wine or beer while having a lunch during their shift. While there’s no correlation between police officers and alcohol problems, this move can probably help out with their currently less than sparkling public image. Not that there haven’t been loopholes before:

According to French law alcohol is banned while employees are at work – with the exception of “wine, beer, apple cider and pear cider”.

While this could be the equivalent of cultural shift of sorts, it’d be like banning all types of meat, except beef, pork, chicken, turkey, lamb and other forms of consumption that bleed.

Excuse me, doctor, have you been drinking?

Surgeons are among the few people in this world who have a bona fide reason to drink, as if you really need one. They see people’s insides day-in and day-out. Plus, they probably have people making cracks about Grey’s Anatomy every time they tell someone what they do for a living. What’s more is that unlike most of us, the actually have the money to go out and get absolutely plastered every night.

The thing is, they really shouldn’t do that, according to a new study. Apparently, surgeons who drank the night before are more likely to make mistakes during surgery the next day, even though they don’t have a drop of booze in their systems at that point.

Of course, then there’s the whole muscle memory aspect. Like how you suck at beer pong when you’re sober, but once you have a few in you, your skills return. Doctors could easily learn out to cut drunk, then they could do it fine every time.

Drunk babies are the only tolerable babies

Kids. It’s always “wah-wah-wah” and “poopy diaper” this. If that’s not enough, they throw spaghetti all around restaurants for no reason outside of they’re jerks. Could you all be more narcissistic?

Don’t worry, there’s hope. In fact, I think you all should be more like this kid. He was given margarita mix instead of apple juice, and what happened? Not a single bad thing.

“We took it from him and he kind of laid his head on the table,” said Taylor Dill-Reese. “He dozed off a little bit and woke up and got real happy.”

See, now there’s a kid who knows how to hold his booze. He was given it, and does he raise a ruckus? On the contrary, he’s quite benevolent to all the other dining patrons. And then he’s a joy! If you look up in some stuffy old dead guy’s dictionary for the definition of win-win, you’ll see a picture of this kid’s mug.

It’s good to be the Sheen

In today’s job market, one wrong tweet or photograph can get you fired faster than Charlie Sheen at an AA sponsorship.

What’s that? Charlie Sheen’s antics with ex-wives, porn stars and kids (oh my!) were in the freaking newspaper, and CBS is merely “concerned?”

It probably helps that he’s currently playing a tamer version of himself on a show that wins awards keeps making money, but damn, actors’ unions just beat teachers’ unions.

Bring your gas cans!

You know what sucks about wine, other than the high prices, snooty people who drink it, stains on your teeth and headaches? You can’t pour your own bottle of it.

Well, that is to say you used to not be able to pour your own bottle of it. In France (of course), they now have machines in supermarkets where you can fill up a container with a tap much the way you would a glass of beer from a keg, and it measures how much you pour like a gas pump. These machines could be hitting stores in the U.S. of A. in a year.

Be the first on your block to do a wine stand!