It’s April 7 somewhere

Stop whatever you are doing and have a drink.

Good. Now that you have done that, we will tell you why. Seventy-five years ago today, the Volstead Act, better known as prohibition, was nearly torn down in a single swig, when 3.2 percent alcohol beer was allowed to be legally made and consumed again. Granted, it was not exactly strong beer, but hey, booze is booze.

The stronger beer meant we were one step closer to vanquishing the self-made demon known as prohibition, which was enough to drive a man to drink in the first place. To celebrate, at the broke of midnight April 7, 1933, Anheuser-Busch threw a party it called New Beer’s Eve.

It was only a matter of time, before freedom once again rang across the nation, and Lady Liberty could legally belly up to the bar.

The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

People at my last job in their forties told me that I would soon get tired of the bar scene–that after a few years of being able to drink, going to a bar would seem an unlikely and unnecessary choice. After being able to drink for nearly four years, I have found that the answer is yes and no.

When you get into the mode of trying to save cash whenever you can (especially if several of your selfish friends are planning to get married in the same year, and expect you to get hotel rooms and snazzy clothes for each of them), going to the bar doesn’t make any sense. Why would you want to go to a bar and pay much more for a drink you could pour yourself? On top of that, you have to tip the bartender. Don’t skimp on this, people. If you are too broke to tip, you are too broke to be at a bar. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bars are still fun

A tax increase on pints? Blimey!

If there’s one thing this blog likes to do, it’s get all fired up about one of the topics we feel isn’t getting reported or not been reported fairly. Today, we get our dander up over alcohol, and the creeping fascism that seeks to destroy it once and for all.

In Britain, long known for its beverage-related tyranny, is now trying to oppress the drunks that stagger among them. The U.K.’s treasury chief raised taxes on beer. There are many things citizens in the U.K. can take (like financially supporting an antiquated and purely ceremonial lineage under the guise of a ruling status), but a beer tax is too much for boozing Britons to stand–well, if they were sober enough to stand.

In response to this clearly unreasonable taxation with representation, the citizens are mounting an Internet campaign, a “whiskey rebellion,” if you will, against Allistair Darling, the treasury chief. All over the country, pubs are putting up signs saying they will not serve Darling in their establishments. This blog firmly supports the movement, and hopes that our British, Scottish, Welsh and Cornish cousins will soon break free from the chains of oppression, so that they may one day sit down in a pub and drink their grog without fear of government intrusion.

Put down that water bottle!

According to two scientists from the Renal, Electrolyte and Hypertension Division at the University of Pennsylvania, there is absolutely no evidence that drinking eight glasses of water a day is good for your health.

But you know what has been proven to be good for you?  (Hint: read the “Filed Under” in this post’s header.)

That’s right: its booooooooooze!

I drink swear anymore will I not

After 48 years of crime that he blames all on booze, John Burns has decided to give up the sauce. This after years of alcohol induced crimes that have led to him being convicted of robbery, breaking and entering, driving without a licences and most recently, driving the wrong way down a two way street.

Here at SeriouslyGuys we encourage that you give up booze after 24 years of alcohol fueled crimes, not 48. Or as we call it, twentyfloored.

How To: Get married

We’ve provided several How Tos on how to get into a relationship. This isn’t one of those.

No, this How To is about making the whole ordeal much, much easier. At some point, you’re going to consider taking the plunge, whether it’s a matter of financial security, citizenship, wanting to breed or the government finally said it’s OK. (Keep your chins up, robo sapiens!)

That is why The Guys sat down and drafted this handy guide that explains how to get married.

Continue reading How To: Get married

Booze News: Ladies’ Night edition

The Guys are all about women, especially the drunk variety. In keeping with news about boozy broads, we have another edition of Booze News that is all about those with two X chromosomes and a rather high BAC.

Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, it’s no secret that vodka is the favorite spirit of Russia. But did you know that Russian men seem to drink it more than Russian women? One distiller has seen this niche market and plans to tap it with new Damskaya, or “Ladies” vodka.

Dames: Are you heading out to the gym? Instead of some fancy sports drink or even water, why not bring along something that looks like water–vodka. Finishing off that salad lunch? Good for you, you’re so health-conscious. Time to celebrate with a nip!

Next up for the lady lushes is wine. We all know that only females and Frenchmen drink wine, anyway. A Dutch man, seen here looking like Saddam Hussein shortly after being captured, who makes wine, has insured his nose for $8 million. This will help keep him going in case something happens. Because, as you know, one drinks wine through the nose. Only peasants drink it through the mouth.

Less filling, still tastes like booze

Drinking is a lot like working out: the more you do it, the better your body image gets, which leads to improved confidence, beer pong agility and endurance to work out drink more.

It’s no wonder then that British ladies have applied this principle to their diets.  Called “drunkorexia,” these ladies skip meals to drink more.

The Institute of Psychiatry in London claims that they do this to lose weight.  What these experts don’t realize is that, by eating less, the booze takes stronger effect.  After all, you don’t eat a turkey dinner before running a marathon, right?

In related news, British women are pressured to drink more:

With pressure on young women to drink but also remain slim, many are now swapping dinner for a large glass or two of wine” (emphasis ours).

An army of drunk

Join the Russian Army, see the world–through an alcohol-fueled haze.

Recently, some civilians got a rather rude wake up call when a tank crashed into the corner of their house. A cell phone video (unavailable) reportedly shows the tanked tank crew get out and start laughing. The tank had stopped in town to pick up more vodka, and apparently they completed their mission. The red-faced members of the Red Army then continued on their way, most likely merrily.

“‘Of course, there were violations but the crew acted in good faith to catch up with its unit,’ said Colonel Konstantin Lazutkin, spokesman for Russia’s Volga-Urals Military District.”

Well put, comrade, at least they got back in formation after their booze run.

Bud: The official sponsor of Missouri?

Lawmakers know what’s really important to the public. They know why people elected them: because the people need someone to speak out on the big issues for them. One such issue is beer.

A Missouri state lawmaker wants to make Budweiser the official state beer. Because when you think the best beer an entire state can muster up, you turn to the bland, over-carbonated taste of Budweiser.

“‘We’ve got a state dinosaur, a state frog, a state reptile, a state flower, a state nut, but no one has given a thought to a company that’s been in Missouri for many, many years and is bringing prosperity to our state and manufacturing a product in our state that many people enjoy,’ Dougherty said.”

In other news, Missouri is looking to change its slogan to “Great Taste, Less Filling.”