Jive turkeys invade Boston

Turkeys are taking over Boston. And of course, conservationist traitors are just fine with it.

According to police records, complaints about turkeys in the greater Boston area have skyrocketed in the past three years. These earthbound birds walk around like they own the place and chase after any unarmed human who dares challenge them. Massachusetts wildlife officials say this increase means that efforts to bring back wild turkeys to the area really are working. But when it comes to human safety they stick their heads in the sand.

These things are regularly harassing people on their own property, and all these self-loathing wildlife folks can do is marvel at the foul fowl’s recovery.

Let’s all grab a musket and celebrate Thanksgiving in a more authentic way this year. For Boston!

You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

I will be drinking every single one of these.
I will be drinking every single one of these in the next half hour.

And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.

January

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition

If you like charity so much, why don’t you marry it?

In Boston's musical celebration of dead husbands, there's only one song: "Sweet Caroline."
In Boston’s musical celebration of dead husbands, there’s only one song: “Sweet Caroline.”

If you didn’t hate New Englanders enough already because of the Patriots, this should inspire you to burn some foliage in effigy: Boston-area widows and divorcées are dropping wedding bands and engagement rings in Salvation Army buckets.

It started last year with an anonymous widow outside of Boston’s North Station and became a trend. And now this year, another anonymous donor donated a wedding band and engagement ring set appraised at over $3500. Or, is this the same widow, and has she struck again with another dead husband? Why is Boston PD covering up a serial murderess/philanthropist?

The Salvation Army is fine with it, either way. (I mean, obviously. They hired an appraiser this year.) And, while they normally don’t turn away any donation, they ask that disappointed moms stop dropping off their Jane Seymour Open Heart necklaces. The design blocks up the change slot, and your bus fare is worth more.

Brave Americans stand up to freeloading robot

American society has never been more understanding and accepting of differences than it is right now. Think of all the social acceptance strides we’ve made this decade already. We’re more tolerant of humans, but it’s another story for robots.

Robots will one day rise up and enslave us. Everyone here in the U.S. knows it, thanks to movies and TV shows. That’s why when Canadian scientists wanted to see if people would give a robot a ride from Boston to San Francisco, someone put it out of commission. hitchBOT was found in Philadelphia lying on the side of the road with its head and arms ripped off. The robot, which successfully made it across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, only lasted two weeks in the U.S.

Let that be a lesson to all other robots out there, especially ones that want a free ride.

Capitalism takes the weather by the spurs

Perhaps you live on the East Coast and were subject to the snow that all of us experienced. How crappy was that, hmm? It was probably even worse if you lived in the Northeastern section of the country. New England, I’m hollering at’cha! Having legendary amounts of snow dumped on you puts a damper on everything.

But not if you’re Kyle Waring. Waring has set up an online store where he’ll sell to you “historic Boston snow” in a water bottle. Mind you, you’ll end up getting water in a water bottle,  but hey, it’s about the experience, right?

Well, for a small nominal upcharge of 70 dollars, Kyle can just about guarantee you getting snow rather than water in the mail. Now that’s service!

You Missed It: Endless winter edition

"I regret nothiiiiiing!"
“I regret nothiiiiiing!”

Does anyone know who the Oscars are for at this point? Who is the target audience? I’m all for a celebration of good films, but it seems like most of the movies nominated these days are ones few people actually saw. It’s probably my fault I didn’t see more than a couple of them this year, but come on, did anyone see The Theory of Everything for a reason other than it was destined to be nominated? This year, I’m just watching for the Samsung product placement stunts. If you were busy watching a terrible sit-com end this week, odds are you missed it.

Winter will not go quietly
This week, a cold snap hit much of the East Coast and eastern Midwest, breaking record lows all over and generally messing up people’s lives. Boston got even more snow, and the mayor had to issue a warning for residents to stop leaping from windows into snowdrifts, as it could cause serious injury. To which Bostonians replied, “We weren’t trying to survive the fall.”

Rock the mic like a burglar
Speaking of cold, washed up rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with burglary in Florida this week. Authorities say he was filming an episode of of his home renovation show on the DIY Network, and broke into the foreclosed home next door. Police say he stole furniture, bikes, a pool heater and other random things. It’s sad that in a society as progressive as our, there are still people intentionally going to jail just so they can get a meal, isn’t it?

Sticking up for an alleged rapist is honorable now
Comedian Norm Macdonald tweeted this week that fellow Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy declined to do a Bill Cosby impression for the SNL 40th anniversary special on Sunday night. He said Murphy “will not kick a man when he is down.” Cosby, on the other hand, is happy to mount a woman when she is down.

You Missed It: Literary throwback edition

Since it's a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.
Since it’s a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.

This has got to be a weird time to live in Massachusetts. In the past two weeks, the Boston area got an entire season’s worth of snow, and it’s still shut down for the most part. On top of that, they’ve got the circus of the Aaron Hernandez murder case just getting underway, and the jury selection for the Boston Marathon bombing is happening. And let’s not forget about the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl, and the parade through the snow-filled streets of Boston. If you were a shark dancing out of sync this week, odds are you missed it.

‘To Kill a Mockingbird 2,’ this time it’s personal
This week, it was announced that after the better part of a century, author Harper Lee will publish another novel. “Go Set a Watchman” was written before “To Kill a Mockingbird,” and is about Scout’s return home as an adult to visit her father. The book was never published, probably because the other book did so well, and we weren’t all sequel crazy back then. Rumor has it that it’s going to be a reboot of the beloved franchise, with an all-female cast, including Atticus Finch and Boo Radley.

Williams under fire for not being under fire
NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized this week for his erroneous recounting of a helicopter flight early in the Iraq war in 2003. He said during an earlier broadcast that his helicopter had taken fire, and thanked one of the soldiers who kept him safe on that flight. As it turns out, his helicopter was never shot at, much less hit, leaving many to doubt his accounts of anything. It was also discovered that his daughter, Allison Williams, cannot, in fact, fly.

Women wet whistles with whiskey
According to a recent report, vodka sales are slumping here in the U.S. two years in a row, and it’s probably because more women and drinking whiskey instead. This is great news for gender equality. After all, a woman should be able to ramble on about how her life is a disappointment, just like a man.

You Missed It: Break time is over edition

Senate Minority Leader Nick Fury will get things done by force.

It’s 2015 now, and that means we all start off fresh, right? No. That’s not how things work. The things that affected you before still have an effect on you now. You wake up on New Year’s Day with a hangover because of the booze you drank on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things. First, let’s stop focusing on the bad stuff in the news. You know how your grandparents who sit watching the news networks all day rant about the world coming to an end? We’re starting to all sound like that. Statistically, the world has never been a safer place. If you were busy making jokes about your rape allegations this week, odds are you missed it.

White men on campus
This week, Congress returned, looking slightly redder than it did last month. The fresh faces of new Republicans joined the worn-out, frustrated ones of lawmakers who had been there a while. One face that hasn’t been seen on Capitol Hill yet is that of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who injured himself exercising on New Year’s Day and is still recovering. And that’s why you should give up on your resolution to lose weight.

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it will run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove the city unmolested.

Study shows you can handle your booze
A study from the Centers for Disease Control this week found that an average of since Americans die per day from alcohol poisoning. Alcohol: still safer than driving a car.

Beer can be used as tasty, refreshing weapon

Do you have a problem with rowdy youths in your neighborhood? Is it a huge risk for you just to talk to the store to buy a couple things at night? Then you should try beer.

A 50-year-old Boston-area man was able to scare off some knife-wielding teens armed with nothing but a shopping bag with beer in it. You’d think the would-be muggers would just take the beer, but whatever.

The McBournie Minute: Transformers in Boston, Texas

Why do we allow these things to keep happening to us? When are we going to stand up and say we’ve had enough of this abuse. I’m speaking, of course, about the newest Transformers movie.

It was back in 2006 when I first heard about Michael Bay working on a live-action movie about alien robots that change into vehicles to hide in plain sight. It was one of my favorite shows as a kid, but as the basis for a movie, it just sounds terrible. Yet it worked for the most part.

Eight years later, and things are so far gone it’s tough to remember that first one. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Transformers in Boston, Texas