It’s fun to have a little extra cash to spend every now and then. You can treat yourself to a new game, a few drinks out, hookers for Rick Snee, buy SeriouslyGuys stuff, or a $300,000 parking space in Boston.
You read me right, $300,000 for a parking spot with no amenities. And you thought we were stupid for purchasing stock in GM.
When the zombies come, (and trust us, they will) you can depend on the Boston Police Department to tell you about it–unlike other government agencies, who cover up the zombie threat because they want to keep us dumb and sheep-like.
This revelation comes to us by the hotbed of pointless banter unreliable intelligence important announcements, Twitter. The Boston Police Department tweeted that one of its officers was being treated at a hospital for a human bite on May 19. Boston Police follower willcady responded, asking if it was a zombie bite, would the police tell the public.
The response: “@willcady Yes, absolutely.”
There you have it. A new era of government transparency has swept through the ranks of Boston’s finest. If the zombies hit Beantown, BPD will tell you wicked fast. Same goes for if the Aqua Teen Hunger Force plant bombs around the city.
(via Consumerist)
Good news, students of Boston Latin School (located in Boston, oddly enough)! Your school does not have vampires roaming the halls, according to your headmaster.
Rumors at the school have persisted that some students at the school are vampires, others are half vampires and some werewolves, too. Yet this has done little to soothe the concerns of parents, who are worried that there is someone out there, lurking in the shadows, ready to harass their sons or daughters without warning.
In response, parents will likely begin sending their kids to school with guns–loaded with silver bullets, of course.
Eddie Doyle, the bartender whose establishment inspired the 1980s hit sitcom “Cheers,” has been laid off after over 35 years of getting Bostonians over their yearly October hangover prior to 2004. Bull & Finch’s owner was quoted as saying that the economy was to blame, but we as true blooded Americans know that the only people to blame for this travesty are terrorists.
We have arrived at the end of another week, and also the end of another month. It seems like only yesterday I was recovering from a hangover courtesy of cheap champagne. This weekend promises to be just as entertaining for all of America (or at the very least, the dudes) with the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you were busy contemplating not working on Tuesdays from now on, odds are you missed it.
Blagojevich, hair unhappy with obvious ouster
Never mind that he’s facing federal corruption charges, Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich was kicked out of office yesterday. Blagojevich became the former governor after making a heart-wrenching speech about how he has not been allowed to tell his side of the story and bring in witnesses who will defend him. State senators responded by unanimously voting him out and banning him from ever holding public office in the state again. Upon replacing Blagojevich, Gov. Pat Quinn pledged to clean up the office of the governor, and make sure the tape recorders were off when solicits or accepts bribes.
Being a Patriots fan, I have no recollection of there ever being a game
Police say they have recovered 27 Super Bowl rings that were made for the New York Giants last year. The rings were reported stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry store in June, the robbery netted an estimated $2 million. The rings have been sent to the Giants since being recovered, and a Boston area couple has been arrested in connection with the robbery. In other news, Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment.
And the dad is heading back to Iraq soon to get some peace and quiet
A mother of six gave birth to octuplets this week. Bringing her total count to 14 children. The mother has not been identified, but it is said she had feritility treatments and they did a little better than she had expected them to do. Here’s a question: if you already have four kids, why are you concerned about fertility?
Christmas is in the air. Well, that and a strong dose of car exhaust from cars idling in mall parking lots waiting for a space to open up. Yet, for some reason to me it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.
Sure, I can listen to “Blue Christmas” or watch the timeless holiday classic Bad Santa, but where’s the Christmas cheer? Where are the people smiling to each other and wishing a merry Christmas? More importantly, why am I not rushing around to get my holiday shopping done? It just isn’t Christmas because I’m done with my shopping.
I’ve had my own private little Christmas tradition since I have been a productive member of society. I figure out what everyone on my list wants shortly after Thanksgiving, and then I wait until Dec. 23 to buy anything. For some reason this year I didn’t. I’m sorry, America. I went shopping and last week I got everything done. How can you ever trust me after I ruined Christmas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas
Ten years from now, the world of Boston will be an entirely new place. Yes, annoying Red Sox fans (redundant?) will still live there, and you’ll be able to find plenty of weird Celtics’ fans, but what will you not be able to find? Those cigar and hookah bars that are the city is apparently riddled with, and thus need to be removed.
Yes, the Boston Public Health Commission has decided that they know what’s best for you. What’s bad for you? A smoking bar that can only affect you in a negative fashion if you willingly go into one.
Plus side: In place of the hookah and cigar bars that won’t be there anymore, you might have another Walmart or five built instead. Huzzah!
Con side: Every year from now, there will be an 8% decrease in the number of snotty hipster girls littering the city, and thus, less amount for you to hit on. Which we know you love to do.
As winter approaches, much of the country is already being plunged into unseasonably cold temperatures. We here at SeriouslyGuys would like to remind each and every one of our readers (are you listening, you two?) to bundle up and take care of yourself. Colds can be dangerous.
In Boston, Andrew Hanson’s cold became a much bigger problem, when he sneezed while driving and ended up in the Charles River. Luckily, the water wasn’t very deep at all and he was able to make it safely to shore. The truck he was driving likely did not survive the illness.
We suggest the following methods of staying healthy this winter:
- Not going outside until March
- Drinking a lot (because alcohol kills germs, may we suggest a health tonic?)
- Using this as an opportunity to kick that railing-licking habit of yours
- Using a condom
- Not touching anything anywhere
In a double-gut punch, animals have struck our steely nerves with a pneumatic hammer. (Fortunately, they could not affect our resolve in the War on Animals.)
A Tibetan Lama is going bless detained cats at a Boston-area animal “shelter.” That’s right: Tibet is actively undermining all the enhanced interrogation techniques we’ve used to destroy these cats’ religion by giving them a new one — in this case, Buddhism.
Now these cats won’t care if we threaten to drown them or give them leukemia: they’ll just be reborn as a giraffe or something. This is just what we’d suspect from a lama: a direct spit in our face.
This could have been another “Free Tibet” blog post, but no! That ship has sailed.
Everyone loves celebrity divorces, even the ones involving sports celebrities. Boston just got a new reason to like the current A-Rod debacle: a new player emerged in the story. Boston’s most valuable player is not a member of the Red Sox. It’s not even a he. No, on this day, Boston’s MVP is more like an MVS-Most Valuable Stripper.
A former in stripper in Boston claims that she single-handedly changed the face of baseball history—by bonking (married) New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez in his hotel room during the 2004 American League Championship Series, thus causing his team to collapse in a historically unprecedented fashion against their arch nemesis Boston Red Sox, allowing that city to claim its first World Series title in 86 years (which, let’s be perfectly honest about, they have not shut up about since and have totally allowed bandwagon jumpers to hop aboard). She’s like Shoeless Joe Jackson, but instead of shoes, she just takes off her bra.
“Bra-less Candy”, perhaps?
