Drunk opossum leaves rehab

It is shocking to this blog how animals can clearly violate the law and yet escape prosecution every time. It’s especially surprising that this happens in crimes involving alcohol.

A Florida liquor store employee found a drunk female opossum next to a broken bottle of bourbon, and had the police bring it to a wildlife refuge for rehab. The opossum apparently knocked over and broke the bottle of whiskey, and probably drank every last drop, because the bottle was empty.

The creature was no doubt slurring her speech and no doubt displaying other signs of intoxication, so she was pumped full of fluids to sober her up. And after a couple weeks of sobriety and intense monitoring, she was released into the wild again.

And yet, there were no charges for breaking and entering, destruction of property, theft, underage drinking, etc. The opossum probably didn’t even have to pay for its rehab stint. That fell on the American taxpayer. Leave it to a liberal nanny state like Florida to coddle its wild animals.

Stop what you’re doing and stock up on Jim Beam

The guys are all about fighting The Man, unless it’s us, and we’re also no strangers to bourbon. That’s why we’re in a tough spot on this one.

Workers at the two Jim Beam distilleries are set to go on strike, which means we could be facing a shortage of the famed bourbon. The union rejected a new contract, and some say the workers are timing the strike for the fall and winter, as production usually ramps up from the slower summer months. For you, this means there could be a shortage of Jim Beam.

So run out and buy a case or two. Or switch to Jack Daniel’s.

Bourbon theft ring caught, hootch to be destroyed

Like a lot of people, The Guys like bourbon. And apparently we’re not the only ones, because there’s a black market for the stuff.

In Kentucky, authorities have arrested workers at the Buffalo Trace and Wild Turkey distilleries in connection with a series of bourbon thefts going back the better part of a decade. The theft ring may even be responsible for the theft a year or so ago of cases of Pappy Van Winkle Family Reserve, the holy grail of bourbons.

Now that cops have found some of the stolen booze, it has to be destroyed under state law. A classic case of blaming the victim. #saveourbourbons

Jack White likes guac, just like you

Jack White enjoys chunky guacamole, but he doesn’t like the fact that that’s now widely known.

The University of Oklahoma’s student newspaper published the rider for White’s performance at the school, which includes an exact recipe for guacamole. The thing is, it’s not really mashed up, so rather than a dip, it’s some chunky mix of avocados, tomatoes, peppers and such. Also, White hates bananas–in general, not just in guacamole, which would be more understandable. The rider specifically says that “This is a NO BANANA TOUR (Seriously),” and that there shouldn’t be bananas anywhere in the building.

White’s not happy about his rider being published. And it doesn’t sound like he’s going to play OU ever again. The good news is that he drinks 10-year Bulliet Bourbon.

Duking it out over ‘Duke’

Personally, we wouldn’t mess with the Wayne family. They tend to get a little … batty when it comes to their parents’ legacy.

We’re this close to a John Wayne-themed bourbon. We just have to wait for the Wayne estate’s and Duke University’s lawyers to finish fighting over trademarks before we can finally drop shots of The Duke into glasses of Fess Parker wine.

Duke University is suing to protect their trademark, which they believe a whiskey named “The Duke” would violate, even if it was John Wayne’s nickname (the man was renown for his spectacular dumps) and the label features him and not a blue devil.

To confirm Duke’s lawyers’ fears, The Guys are a little confused about the brands, mostly because we all minored in whiskey while in college together.