Drinking: The real national pastime

As with most things in life, watching sports is better with alcohol. It turns out that here in America, if you’re watching a game, you’re probably drunk.

According to a recent poll of Americans who drink, almost no one watches sports without a buzz. Leading the way are football and baseball, with 84% and 78% saying they associate those sports with alcohol, respectively. These are followed by car racing, hockey, horse racing, basketball and boxing. The soberest sports out there, with less than half the respondents associating them with booze, are golf, soccer, beach volleyball and tennis. So basically, the sports people don’t watch anyway.

Now you have actual data to convince the bartender to turn off the Premier League.

You Missed It: State of paranoia edition

Gov. Greg Abbott, seen here in between sessions of furious masturbation watching ads for "Texas Rising," a TV event coming to History this Memorial Day. Check your local listings.
Gov. Greg Abbott, seen here in between sessions of furious masturbation watching ads for “Texas Rising,” a TV event coming to History this Memorial Day. Check your local listings.

Every now and then, corporate America latches on to a song and decides we need to hear it a million times — not just on the radio, but in ads, too. Right now, it’s that damn “Renegades” song by a band you’ve never heard of. The worst part about a band selling out and putting their song in a commercial to make it big is that commercials run about five times every half hour. I wouldn’t complain if commercials went back to using faux-dubstep or their best impression of a Black Keys song. If you were busy releasing a report on the dumbest sports controversy ever this week, odds are you missed it.

No one wants Dallas
This week, the Pentagon had to explain that an upcoming training exercise involving special forces is not an attempt by the federal government to take over Texas, after Gov. Greg Abbott told the state national guard to monitor the operation and ensure that citizens’ rights aren’t infringed upon. Oh Texas, you’re so cute when you think you’re not a conquered people.

Meanwhile, in sports everyone has an opinion about
Following his loss to noted domestic abuser Floyd Mayweather, boxer Manny Pacquiao is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not disclosing his shoulder injury, which he will have operated on. People are upset that they bet money on a fighter without knowing everything about his condition. Folks, putting money on the outcome of a sporting event is called a gamble, not an investment.

Woman gives birth
Hey, remember that country we fought a couple wars against a couple centuries ago? They were all tyrannical and stuff? As it turns out, in the 21st century, they still have a family that tax dollars pay for to live in palaces and travel the world. I know, right! Not only that, but apparently they had a kid this week. What’s that? Oh, I don’t know. I think it was a girl or something probably.

Big hairy Russian wants to find big hairy snowman

Nikolai Valuev is a tall man. A former world boxing heavyweight champion, he retired in late 2009, presumably to become a butcher or deli-owner. Perhaps even owner of a sweaty and destitute gym. Anything, as long as he gets to punch things that won’t punch back.

Well, that must not have been all that exciting, because he’s now starting up an expedition to search for the yeti in Siberia. The trip will only take place over the space of two days, presumably because Siberia is super-duper-cold all of the time and most anyone that goes into the land will die.

A spokesman for the Kemerovo regional administration said that the boxer was keen to “talk to the yeti about life”.

We can only assume that Valuev will speak to the beast using his fists, which, as science tells us, is the most efficient form of communication.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Fighter’

When previews and trailers for The Fighter came out across the nation around the beginning of November, I didn’t really think much of the movie. Mark Wahlberg? Yeah, he wasn’t too bad in The Departed, but for every one of those movies, there’s The Happening. I can imagine some audiences shying away from the movie, reluctant to see a film about boxing.

We really need to stop going with our gut reactions. As a boxing movie, The Fighter is one of the best. It’s a spectacular entertainment that’s every bit as rousing as Rocky. But it’s much more than a meager “boxing movie,” as some might label it. The Fighter is also a great character study about family, addiction and ego. It’s an incredibly uplifting movie and, at times, a very funny one. There’s not an instance in The Fighter where you can sense that the filmmakers have anything less than absolute respect for the art of boxing and the people who inspired this project. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Fighter’

Warrior of the Week: Dean Brougham

We don’t see enough fighters anymore. No, I’m not talking about MMA or Brazilian jujitsu or UFC or anything like that-I’m talking about actual fighting. The sporty kind that involves men wearing striped unitards and handlebar mustaches. Pugilism is honestly a lost art. No puts up their dukes anymore, and that’s sad, because you never know when you might need those special skills.

You know who didn’t forget the lost art of putting them up, putting them up? Dean Brougham. The man was out spear-fishing when a shark viciously attacked him. When the shark latched onto him, Brougham did some attacking of his own, punching it over and over in the mouth. He punched it so much that the shark let go of him and swam away.

That is easily the most bad-ass sentence that I’ve ever written in my life.

He lost no appendages in the battle. Brougham is currently recuperating with all signs pointing to a good recovery.

“I just started beating it, just trying to get rid of it, and then it let me go and then I was just straight towards the cliffs,” he said.

If I were him, I’d get that statement written on some business cards. Because sometimes the truth is awesome.

Courtesy of Groonk