We don’t want your money, but we want YOUR money

Oh Bobby Jindal. Do you really think that the internet forgets anything? Like the 45, 000 dollars spent on in-city helicopter trips among a time-span of 4 months or the refusal of money going to your state for economic stimulus purposes?

After meeting with President Obama and other Gulf Coast leaders, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal called for BP to approve a $457 million seafood safety program for the region. Jindal held his press conference in New Orlean’s Acme Oyster House in the French Quarter-a symbolic location chosen to remind Americans how integral local oysters, shrimp, and crawfish are to the region.

Surrounded by commercial fishermen, Jindal reminded the crowd that seafood is hugely important to the state’s financial health (and that of the region as a whole). In Louisiana alone, the impact on the economy is estimated at $2.3 billion. The proposed safety plan is essentially a 20-year initiative that calls for industry safeguards and repair the damage done to consumer confidence regarding seafood in local waters.

As public anger over BP’s perceived lack of action continues to mount, it’s a savvy time to request funds. Jindal said the $457 million represents “a fraction of what we would lose year after year after year” should BP decline to the request. It’s just a drop in the bucket of what the oil company is going to end up shelling out for this mess, but for PR value alone, the money could be well-spent.

Remember people, it’s only acceptable to take money from big organizations for state purposes when it’s an election year.

The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

This country has enemies–there’s no secret about that. But there is one enemy America has had as long as it has existed. I am speaking of course, about England.

Sure, we are now great allies and enjoy a special diplomatic relationship with our former mother country, but just like with a great friendship, everyone has their spats. For most of the world, it’s easy to hate the English, because they have colonized, waged war against, or simply subjugated for centuries.

So when the U.S. soccer team played England on Saturday, I, like so many other Americans, watched my first soccer game, and pretended I was excited about it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

Oil on your wedding day

The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is no laughing matter (aside from the oiled pelicans, as those are hilarious!), millions of jobs could be lost as a result of the mess that is being made. But now, a new industry is being affected by the disaster: beach weddings.

There’s something about the smell of dead dolphins and guys combing the beach wearing hazmat suits that just doesn’t make a good backdrop for nuptials. The appearance of tar balls on beaches once popular for weddings has lead to sudden cancellations by many couples, hurting wedding planners and all the businesses associated. But remember, the captains of fishing boats have a whole lot of free time on their hands now, and would be happy to accommodate you.

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

As I and other celebrities get older, it becomes harder to differentiate between the roles we’ve played and the regular a$$holes we used to be. (I still put my pants on one leg at a time, but each foot is bathed in frankincense before inserted into the crotch part.)

The Gulf oil leak has dominated the news, and there’s only so much left for any of us can write about plans to put BP’s greasy turd back in its oceanic butthole. I’m plum out of ideas because, as much as I’d love to come up with a solution, the only way to prevent my leaky poop metaphor is to not play with buttplugs and Ex-Lax in the first place.

But, little would I believe that Kevin Costner may be the cure. For oil. Not diarrhea. We’re back to literalism here.

Yes, the man whose only seeming qualification is a willingness to spend millions of other people’s money on Waterworld may very well save the Redneck Riviera.

To put this in perspective, if this works, Tutanka’s next trick may be to save the U.S. Postal Service, hopefully without hordes of anarchist rapists.

Or, to take this further, let’s revisit the last time I had trouble straddling the ever-diminishing line between celebrity and reality.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

Age-old foes: safety vs. jobs

Republican Senators want to know: what will it take to get Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar and President Barack Obama to reopen all U.S. offshore oil drilling sites. They are concerned about a 6-month moratorium on drilling that could mean lost oil jobs.

And they’re right: even though all offshore drilling safety has been overseen by the Mineral Management Service, an organization that is still under investigation for over 10 years of graft, we need to speed up safety inspections and put workers back on derricks.

Besides, this is about jobs. Every time there’s an accident, another oil job opens up!

Obama’s search for perfect ass

With today’s headlines about President Barack Obama, it may be a good idea to hide your puppies.

The President worked out his rage as most people do, with Matt Lauer, concerning the BP oil leak; BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward and the idea that he hasn’t blown up an oil rig off the coast of England with “Fat” Tony stuck inside.

President Obama justified his meetings with experts, saying that it takes a committee to nominate names and assess asses before an ass can be kicked. He added, “This seems to work pretty well for the Pentagon.”

In the meantime, Hayward is still very much physically unharmed by any and all able-bodied U.S. politicians.

Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill

So, how about that leak in the Gulf of Mexico, right?

You’re probably expecting a punchline about how terrible it is, or how many animals are going to die or how we could have avoided all of this by investing more in alternative renewable energy back in the 70s.

Well, you’re not going to get that here. In fact, I think this is a good thing. Allow me show you how, in every oil spoil, there’s a rainbow lining.

NOTE: Rick Snee is writing this article of its own free will. Any checks from BP have not cleared yet.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill

You Missed It: Job interview edition

I read a lot of news throughout the week. It’s part of my job, and I naturally want to stay up to date on the important subjects affecting the world. Admittedly, I avoid most celebrity news, because, well, I just don’t care. But I have to ask, who the hell is Justin Bieber, and where was he six weeks ago? It seems like he’s been on magazine covers, new stories, and random events all of a sudden. And he’s very popular with creepy older women. If you were busy resigning as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, odds are you missed it.

The bench gets steamy
President Barack Obama selection Solicitor General Elena Kagan to replace retiring Justice John Paul Jones Stevens on the bench of the U.S. Supreme Court this week. Kagan has also served as dean of Harvard Law School, but has no actual judicial experience. This has led many in the Republican party to claim Obama picked her simply because of her looks.

Send in Chuck Norris
Yet another iPhone prototype was bought, filmed and reviewed by a tech blog this week. This time, it happened in Vietnam. In a video, the phone is disassembled by someone who has long fingernails. Following in the calm, measured response Apple had to the Gizmodo leak, when the company pressured cops to break down an editor’s door, Steve Jobs is asking the U.S. military to invade Vietnam.

Angry white men
Executives from BP and Transocean, the operator and owner of the Deepwater Horizon rig that exploded and sank in the Gulf of Mexico, along with Halliburton, all blamed each other for the accident on April 20 and the ongoing oil spill during a congressional hearing. Lawmakers didn’t are, they blamed all of them anyway. Next up in the You Should Have Done Better hearings: Lebron James.

White House penetrates lubed Gulf

Probe. Drill. Leak. Explosion.

It seems that nothing can be described in Washington without the description turning into a narrative of the world’s most clinical date rape and/or toiletgasm.

And today’s headline employs three out of four of those words. You’re welcome!