For at least the past 500 years, breasts have received support through the wearing of brassieres. But, what if breasts have become overdependent on that support to the point where they have lost all ability to support themselves. What if what seemed like a good idea is just creating a welfare state of freeloading boobs?
That’s one Frenchman’s theory, anyway. Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon of Besançon CHU studied 300 women’s breasts for 15 years — which is actually a pretty small sample compared to the amount The Guys have ogled in the same time period.
He found that women who permanently unclasped their bras developed firmer, perkier breasts and less back pain over time. His hypothesis is that sedentary, supported breasts just become weaker and fatter, while those forced to fend for themselves develop stronger self-support systems.
We know what you’re thinking: but, what about the children? They need assistance because their breasts can’t support themselves yet!
Rouillon also found that girls who began wearing bras from the onset of puberty were reliant on them for the rest of their breasts’ natural lives because they never developed their own cupping skills in the face of adversity.
More research is needed at this time, but if his hypothesis holds up, it may be time to turn those freeloaders into freeswingers.
Archaeologists have found what are now the earliest bras in human history. They date back to the 15th Century and were found in the remains of Lengberg Castle in eastern Tyrol, Austria. And when we say “bra,” we mean it: two distinct cups and and lacy embroidering that’s only visible when Heidi Klumming it all over the house.
This changes pretty much everything we know about medieval times and fancy knickers, especially since we originally thought the bra wasn’t invented until 1913.
Unless they aren’t bras, in which case they could be cowls for those two-headed eagles everyone kept drawing back then.
Japan is still recovering from Gilbert Godfrey’s jokes on Twitter, and her people need your awareness and/or help. To get your attention, Japanese lingerie manufacturer, Triumph, has released a new bra and matching skirt. The underwear features tiny little flags of countries that managed to wish Japan well, passive-aggressively making those who didn’t send a text feel bad.
The bustier should be available in vending machines once they have been worn by underage virgins.
JACK JOHNSON then told LESLIE JOHNSON to go upstairs in their bedroom and go “my drawer” (sic) and you will see a “check in there that [Developer A] wrote to me” … LESLIE JOHNSON interrupted JACK JOHNSON and asked if she should take the “cash out of here too.” JACK JOHNSON replied “Yes.” JACK JOHNSON then told LESLIE JOHNSON to put the cash in her underwear.
As the wife left the house, she was stopped by two female agents who later searched her and allegedly found the $79,600 in her underwear.
Somehow, that woman was able to smuggle over 79 grand in her bra. For years, people have wondered about the mathematical translations of a parsec, how Soundwave turns into a 30 foot tall robot from a handheld cassette tape deck, the infinite properties of a bag of holding and just exactly where Optimus Prime’s trailer goes. Parallel universes have only been speculated at … until now. Nerd science has finally been nearly vindicated.
We already knew that bras could save your breasts from swinging National Geographically, but did you know that a bra could save your life?
Well, not in every situation. It can save you from “chemicals as harsh as the ones at Chernobyl,” tuberculosis and maybe even pollen. But it won’t work on gunshots, bee stings, lightning, cancer, plane crashes, Daleks, meteorites, AIDS, high-five accidents, Shug Knight, sharks, samurai swords, faulty parachutes, the hand in the toilet, stampedes, ninjas, old age, skiing, HDL cholesterol, grammar Nazis, Nazi Nazis, wild boars, kitchen fires, improper flare use, licking a transformer, maulings, bludgeonings and quarterings.
Look, if you bring up Twilight to some of The Guys, they’ll all *pfft* and follow that up with a terse “whatevah.” (I know: we can be so mean.)
However, I can no longer remain silent. You see, young teenage girls who aren’t my wife, I’m … different. I’ve rejected all the limited, childish behaviors of my food-eating peers. I’ve seen dark things, terrible things. I’ve sipped immortality on gossamer wings wearing platform Doc Martins.
I guess what I’m trying to say … what I’m trying to tell you … but, what if you don’t like me? My kind is so lonely that I would give anything to spend all my time hanging out with a nice, less popular girl who likes art. We could talk about your hair.