Tag: Brad Pitt

Take it from Snee: This ‘Fight Club’ sucks

OK, so you may have noticed a few digs against fight clubs in this space recently.

It’s not that I dislike the book or the movie. Far from it, actually. The book is a fascinating yarn about young males in a non-violent society’s quest for manhood. The movie is, in some ways, superior to the book … until the ending.

Whatever.

My problem with Fight Club is that same one I have with anal sex: practical application. You see, I was invited to attend a “real” one.

Here’s what happened: Continue reading Take it from Snee: This ‘Fight Club’ sucks

Profiles in Sadness: A celebrity couple makes doohickeys

A lot of news crosses The Guys’ desks. Some of it is very important, too important to be made fun of. Most of it is goofy and deserving of our signature brand of highlighting. Then there are the stories we feel bad going into, not because of tragedy, but that some periodical felt they were worth reporting. These are our Profiles in Sadness.

Not *intended* for use as a cock ring.At least 106 news sites wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest endeaver/couples’ therapy: a line of serpent-themed jewelry. (Well, at least this hobby keeps a few impoverished children out of West Los Angeles, where they might breathe the overpriviledged Kardashians’ air.)

It took a while, but boy, do we feel for Brad Pitt. Imagine having your name attached to your wife’s quilting or hamster taxidermy. Sure, it might bring a few extra dollars into the house whenever she sells something at a craft show, but at least your name wasn’t used to market them to guys with fight clubs in their basements.

And, of course, there’s the sole reason for these articles: the fans. Our favorite comments come from People Magazine. Remember, if you’re not white trash enough for the Enquirer, keep People in your bathroom.

“I am a big fan of Angelina (Brads not bad either). Reason being is amount of time they spend helping those who can’t help themselves.
Also Angelina; if Brads starts acting up I have your engagement ring on layaway.”

Oh, Michael Gatlin, you scamp! It’s amazing that you haven’t found your own Angelina yet!

“How exciting! I’m glad that Angelina recognizes the power in serpent symbols. In ancient times, serpents were considered wise and powerful, and very protective. I’m excited that they are going to donate all of the proceeds, as well. What a fantastic couple!”

Yes, Patty: Angelina shares your love for writhing disembodied penis symbols.

So, we’d like to thank celebrity rags, mouth-breathing fame worshippers and their bored Hollywood sovereign for all contributing to today’s Profile in Sadness.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Inglourious Basterds’

Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds is filled with vicious Nazis, British spies, American commandos and French collaborators all deceiving and destroying one another in occupied Paris. But it’s not a movie about the war. It’s a movie about war movies.

Of course, for some film fans, that’ll be evident from the onset. The film borrows its title but little else from Enzo Castellari’s 1978 WWII film. In Tarantino’s version, a small group of Jewish-American soldiers under the command of Brad Pitt’s Aldo Raine terrorizes Nazi soldiers in Occupied France, performing shocking acts of savagery and corpse mutilations. How close they come to war crimes is unclear because, in a very un-Tarantino manner, he shows little more than a few scalpings that earn Aldo the nickname “Apache” from the Germans and one execution by a baseball bat.

But is it any good? Well, it’s a QT film: a lot of the time, that can break up people into two distinctly diverse groupings. Of course, those people either love anything done by him or hate anything done by him. Now, for everyone else, the question still remains about the quality of the movie.

Guess I’m going to show some of my own “basterd” behavior and make you hit the jump to find out that answer. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Inglourious Basterds’

Your mother as a news provider

"My ovaries do NOT resemble raisins, f#@k you very much."

Jennifer Aniston said in an interview with Elle magazine that she is unconcerned with her “lonely girl” status. The childless 40-year-old actress has been single since her divorce from frequent People Magazine World’s Sexiest Man winner, Brad Pitt.

As her biological clock has ticked away, she’s been linked to short relationships with Vince Vaughn and John Mayer, but still has nothing to show for it on her finger.

Her career has also declined as she’s starred in stinkers like Rumor Has It, The Break Up and He’s Just Not That Into You, which seem to reflect her lack of a love life or reason to continue living.

But, hey, at least she’s still answering all of our questions about it, right?

The McBournie Minute: Handle yourself in the men’s room

I was rather sad when I saw last week that Brad Pitt is giving out advice about stuff, like men’s room do (do)s and don’ts. I was sad for two reasons: Brad Pitt does not use public restrooms–ever, and I had planned something similar for this week’s topic. What the hell, I’ll do it anyway!

Hang up and aim
We’ve all heard the people who like to talk on/answer their phones while on the can. (Can you *grunt* hear me now?) It’s a fun prank to play, you can even do it at home. But really it’s kind of rude. However, there’s a new kind of rudeness in our nation’s men’s rooms: people who talk on their cell phones at the urinal.

I know that conversation about what you’re having for dinner, or the big deal your office is working on closing, can be, but it is not so urgent that it can’t wait the roughly 2 minutes until you’re done and out of the men’s room again. You ever ride a bus or train and someone nearby is talking on their cell phone? Just imagine that annoyance from the person standing next to you while you are trying to pass water. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Handle yourself in the men’s room

October movie audiences will be uncomfortable

On October 24, two movies will be released simultaneously. That’s not so awkward; movies get released on the same day all the time.

Unfortunately, one of these movies stars Angelina Jolie and the other stars Jennifer Anniston. That’s right: no matter where you fall in the Brad Pitt love triangle contention, there will be the other woman. On the one hand, Angelina is unrivaled in beauty, like Brad. On the other hand, Brad’s mother loved Jen!

But aside from the movie theater anxiety that’s only exceeded in the supermarket checkout line while discussing the tabloids, there’s an issue of the titles of their movies.

Angelina will appear in Changeling, which is presumably about a child not raised by its birth parents.

Jennifer will appear in He’s Just Not That Into You, which just reminds us that you deserved better than him, Jen! The pretty ones will just break your heart! Stay strong, and maybe eat something. We love you!*

*Except McBournie. He doesn’t care about celebrities until they’re dead.

Why would Universal Pictures and Warner Bros. do this to us and Jen? How about they just agree to release on alternative weekends? He’s Just Not That Into You would be perfect for the October 24th premier, and Changeling can debut on October Thirty-Never. (Call us, Jen!)

You Missed It: CANNES!!! edition

Sen. Hillary Clinton handily defeated Sen. Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary earlier this week. Pushing the primaries on, and on, and on, and on. So if you were like John Edwards and endorsing Obama, odds are you missed it.

Black, stork to the stars
Jack Black made unintended headlines this week at the Cannes Film Festival this week when he spilled the beans that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, better known as “Angelad,” are expecting twins. There is no word yet as to which baby will be the perfect of the two and a mortal god-off is scheduled with the unborn fruit of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan. Meanwhile, no one is paying attention to Kung Fu Panda.

Earthquakes rock China
A Richter 7.9 earthquake hit central China earlier this week, and strong aftershocks have been hitting the region off and on since then. The quakes have caused thousands of deaths and left thousands more homeless. A dam was critically damaged by the tremblor but has been fixed by the military. Who else is looking forward to the Beijing Olympics this summer?

President heads to the Middle East
Fresh off his daughter’s weekend wedding, President George Bush headed to Israel this week to celebrate the country’s 60th anniversary and the peace that has fallen over the region since then. Bush then stopped off in Saudi Arabia to talk oil production with the Saudi royals. When Bush told King Abdullah he had just come from Israel, the monarch replied, “I’m sorry, where? I don’t recognize the name.”

Same sex marriage in California
On Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down a state ban on same sex marriage, saying it was unconstitutional to keep people from marrying based on gender, just as it is with race. Same sex marriage supporters gathered outside the courthouse to hear the news and called the ruling “fabulous.”

Take it from Snee: Shut up, actors

Look, actors, you can't ALL be Arnold.You know what irks me?  Having to apologize to myself whenever I watch a movie starring Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Edward Norton, John and Joan Cusack, Martin Sheen, Darryl Hannah, Edward James Olmos, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Christopher Reeves or any other politically-involved actor.

The same internal dialogue happens during the opening credits:

“OK, Rick.  You’re just watching their movie.  You’re not really paying them, more like paying their producers who only want you to see explosions and sequels. 

“Just pretend you didn’t accidentally read how they’re really into environmentalism, peace or walking again.  (Thank god the ‘Superman’s Grounded’ hoopla is over and done with!)  All you wanted to do was find out they were voted ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ again or made a sex tape to Google later. 

“It’s not your fault they told you things you didn’t want to hear.  You can just watch this movie where they read lines like the meat robots they actually are.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: Shut up, actors