Picture of stuffed anteater disqualified from photo award

There are a lot of unspoken rules in wildlife photography, like don’t swear at the animals, don’t pay the animals for their time, and no, your cats don’t count as wildlife. Another such rule is that they have to be real and alive. And one photographer lost an award for violating that one.

Britain’s Natural History Museum said it has disqualified a photo from its Wildlife Photographer of the Year award because the animal in question is dead and stuffed. The photo, taken in Brazil’s Emas National Park, depicts a large ant hill at night with an anteater coming up to feast. Turns out the anteater is a stuffed specimen usually on display at one of the park’s entrances.

Technically, it was wildlife at one point, though.

You Missed It: Gay old time edition

The Bible also says it's cool to take a mistress if your wife is barren. Though it's silent on Harry Potter characters.
The Bible also says it’s OK to knock up your mistress.

You may have thought that the season of Lent was leading up to Good Friday and Easter, a snap count to the death of Jesus, the original comeback kid, but you’re wrong. This year, it’s a countdown to Major League Baseball’s opening day. Baseball is staying true to its Jewish and Muslim roots by kicking off the new season on one of the biggest Christian holidays. Some scholars believe that Pontius Pilate invented the game itself, beating Abner Doubleday by a good 1,800 years. If you were busy apologizing for having an affair this week, odds are you missed it.

Gays get their days in court
This week, the Supreme Court heard two different cases regarding gay marriage, or marriage equality, or the freedom of marriage, depending on where you are on the issue and which trench you’re in in the war of words. The justices are not expected to make a ruling until June. Between now and then, they will probably review the arguments made by all parties, then consult the Constitution, while Justice Antonin Scalia is expected to go cruising for bears in some of the seedier D.C. bars. Observers are uncertain of how the court will rule on California’s Proposition 8, but seem confident that the justices will reach around and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.

So begins a 13-month retirement party
It was a scant 50 years ago that a plucky reporter named Barbara Walters came on the journalism scene, one of the first women to make it to the national level. She has covered everything from the Nixon administration to Whoopi Goldberg, but in May 2014, she’s going to retire. The 83-year-old Walters said her reasons were the desire to have more free time and the fact that there aren’t any softer lenses to blur her image any further, short of pixelation.

And in entertainment news
Lindsay Lohan is back at it again. This week, she walked off the set of Charlie Sheen’s show Anger Management with jewelry, then she flew to Brazil to promote something, probably a fancy Brazilian vodka or lemon-scented crotch wax. She was at a club in Sao Paulo and began drawing attention, so she hid herself under the DJ booth table, because no one would look there. Lohan’s actions are part of her ongoing spiral into oblivion, but hey, what’s more entertaining than standing by while someone cries for help?

Spider raaaaaaain

No, it’s not an update to a nearly six year old YouTube video. It’s worse. Much worse. Friends, this is the nightmare scenario.

Spiders, thanks to a web, have taken to the sky above Santo Antônio da Platina, a town in Brazil. It is now raining spiders upon their innocent heads. The beasts range from the size of a pencil eraser to much, much bigger, as their maximum size is unknown. Thanks a lot, Obama scientists.

There’s only one surefire solution to this problem. We must utilize the cleansing power of fire and burn it all. It’s the only way to be safe.

Some pets like to be left alone

While most animals have shorter lifespans than we humans, some species can last much longer than us, and that is simply terrifying. A family in Brazil reminds us of how serious this is.

In 1982, the Almeida family misplaced their pet tortoise. As these things are known for being fast and crafty, they feared that Manuela the tortoise escaped from their house when a contractor left the front door open. This week, the family was clearing out a room used for storage when they found Manuela sitting in a box with an old record player. Apparently she’d spent the past 30 years really getting into Led Zeppelin.

More than one way to explain how to skin a cat

Bilingual people are also more attractive to both sexes.
Bilingual people are also more attractive to both sexes.

According to a new study in the Journal of Neuroscience, bilingual people retain sharper brain activity later in life. Seniors aged 60 to 68 who had spoken two or more languages since childhood were comparatively faster than their monolingual peers “at switching from one task to another and used less energy in the frontal parts of their brain when making the switch.”

What does this mean? That the 2014 class of Brazilian prostitutes is going to be hell on wheels by 2060.

Cats: the Bane of Rio

This plot to get revenge for Ra's al Ghul was foiled by Brazil's lack of foil-colored cats or white duct duct tape.
This plot to get revenge for Ra’s al Ghul was foiled by Brazil’s lack of metallic-colored cats or white duct duct tape.

A cat (Felis diabolo) was caught trying to sneak escape tools into a Brazilian prison, Arapiraca. It had concealed a saw, a mobile phone, drills, an earphone, a memory card, batteries and a phone charger on its non-person with duct tape.

Authorities suspect all 263 inmates at the prison, but can’t get the cat to name names.

‘It’s tough to find out who’s responsible for the action as the cat doesn’t speak,’ a prison spokesperson told local paper Estado de S.Paulo.

If this is a plot by cats to break prisoners out and unleash havoc in Brazil, then one of their ringleaders got this cat’s tongue. It’s probably just as well because you know its voice would have sounded ridiculous, maybe like Celebrity Jeopardy Sean Connery wearing a Darth Vader mask.

Japanese suckers born nearly every other minute

A survey was conducted across 50 countries, asking the question “Do you believe in UFO’s?”. Coming in at number two is Japan. A total of 45.3% of the Japanese people polled replied that they did in fact believe in alien sightings, placing Japan below only Brazil and Mexico.

In a country that still values the presence of spirits and the supernatural, this isn’t quite that shocking. You don’t often see many programs on TV discussing the existence of extraterrestrials but apparently that doesn’t mean a whole lot.

So, what can we gather from this report? The Fortean Times probably isn’t (but may possibly) a magazine originating from the United States, but from Brazil, Mexico or Japan.

SUCK IT, NERD COUNTRIES!

AMER-I-CUH, F— YEAH!

In a move that surprises no one, America has been voted the coolest nation in the world by the other countries in the world. Excuse us while we don’t remove our sunglasses. Doing so might bother our totally perfectly sculpted hair.

A social networking, Badoo, conducted a poll using 30, 000 people from around the planet. The relevancy of whether or not a site that no one’s heard of is immaterial; the results are all that matter. Speaking of the results, it was discovered that being a Spaniard is pretty awesome in Europe, Brazil is still tops in Latin America and Belgium a bunch of dorks.

Not that being from Spain or Brazil matters. America is still considered the world’s coolest nationality.

As such, here’s a tip from one of the coolest people in the world to Belgium: get cracking on something awesome other than your waffles and we’ll talk about not stuffing you into a locker. Maybe.

Another America?

OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.

But despite our tight-lipped efforts, Rio de Janeiro stole them from us!

We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.

Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:

  • They’re also in “America.” Yes, just like how Richmond is the incest capital of West Virginia, right?
  • They hold an annual Carnival that celebrates nudity, transsexuals and bead-based economies. Yeah, we named that Mardi Gras when we invented it!
  • They even claim to be world champion football players. Really? Which Manning’s on your team?

You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.

(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)