We all know that boobs save. But what saves the boobs when the boobs need saving? Money.
A Brazillian woman was saved guring a shootout due to a wad of cash she had stuffed in her bra. this finally settles the debate, and we here at SG were right, the two most important things in life are boobs and money. It’s just now that we got the evidence.
We have suspected it for a long time, but now we finally have proof: the animals are helping our human prisoners escape in hopes of turning them against us! It’s a brilliant strategy, if you think about it. Our attention moves to the escapees and not the real enemy.
Our proof? Carrier pigeons have been caught smuggling in cell phone parts to prisoners in Brazil. Once, when they were our minions, they carried our important information on the battlefield. Now it seems they are against us on the battlefield of the 21st century, where there is no battlefield.
We can only assume the Verizon Wireless guy has been turned, as well.
Jerseyites, which is what we call people from (New) Jersey, can breathe a sigh of relief this morning. Then again, they might do well to just hold in that breath because some hot wax is about to get ripped off of their genitals.
The New Jersey State Board Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board (yes, it is a real state agency) has nixed its proposed ban of bikini waxing within the state. Why would they consider such a thing? Because two people ended up getting some nasty infections (we assume on their lady parts, which are prone to infections anyway) after having the wax job done.
Because two people ended up with infections possibly because of the procedure, they wanted to ban it, which makes sense because we all know you can never get an infection from a cut, much less one from a razor you use to remove hair from the location of your choosing.
Fun fact: “Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed in New Jersey — only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted. But because bare-it-all ‘Brazilians’ weren’t specifically banned, state regulators didn’t enforce the law.”
Which begs the question, how would they inforce it in the first place. (“Put the wax down and step away from the crotch! We have you surrounded!”)
A man, looking to collect on a debt, broke into the house of 60-year-old woman in Brazil’s Federal District, holding her hostage for ten hours on the business end of a Sega Light Phaser.
Let’s repeat that: a man, looking to collect on a debt, broke into the house of 60-year-old woman in Brazil’s Federal District, holding her hostage for ten hours on the business end of a Sega Light Phaser.
Not the Sega Genesis Menacer, which — when fully combined — looks vaguely like a Nerf gun meets bazooka, but the Sega Master System’s Light Phaser. A 22 year old plastic gun that looked like a weapon out of Laser Challenge. You want to know what the business end of a Light Phaser is? Air.
Luckily, the man let his hostage go, unharmed, after negotiating with police (and displaying a pair of deadly but totally lame for carving a chicken knives). Of course, this was only after he beat the high score.
FYI, you might have to use Google Translator to read the page.
If you’re a human, it’s assumed you’re on our side. Unfortunately, there are plenty of species traitors among us around the world, waiting like sleeper cells to spring into action, helping or animal foes prioritized by cuteness.
A group of these self-loathing people saved nearly 400 penguins that were lost and therefor deserved to die. Instead, they were loaded onto a Brazilian military plane and transported not to a death camp, but to the country’s coast and set free. Rumors have it these flightless birds were in rehab for either battle scars or heroin addiction.
The direct involvement of the Brazilian military working in concert with known terrorists is grounds for invasion, folks. We need to hit them and we need to hit them before they know what hits them. After we do that, we can hit the heart of our enemy in its secluded lair: the rainforest.
When one is faced with an angry dog, it is hard to think. When that dog attacks you (we assume) it is even harder to react and fend off the enemy combatant. But in times of great trouble, heroes are born. This week, we celebrate the first Brazilian to earn the honor of Warrior of the Week: Gabriel Almeida.
A dog attacked him, biting his left arm. How did Gabriel, only 11 years old respond? By biting the dog on the neck. He bit the dog so hard that he ended up losing a tooth. You guessed it, it was a canine.
Seldom is such valor seen, much less in someone so young. Gabriel is not only the first Brazilian to win the award, he is also the youngest. All of us here at SG salute him and his efforts to help us win.
Welcome to the end of May. Coincidentally, it also happens to be yours truly’s birthday. Please, hold your applause. If you were busy landing on another planet this week, odds are you missed it.
Balloon designed to float really high does so
French skydiver Michael Fournier was probably a little frustrated when he watched his balloon float away with his hopes of breaking a record on Tuesday. He had planned to break the world record for highest skydive, but then the balloon came untethered and floated away accidentally before Fournier could even get in, much less jump. France promptly surrendered.
Pressed secretary
Former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan released a book this week that raised some eyebrows in Washington. McClellan said national security advisers in the Bush administration served the president very poorly leading up to and going into the war in Iraq. He charges the administration of spinning important intelligence and intentionally leaking classified information. These and other revelations can be found in McClellan’s book, Things I Probably Should Have Told You Five Years Ago.
‘Nsync creator now ‘Njail
Ron Perlman, former manager of 90s boy bands ‘Nsync and the Backstreet Boys, was sentenced to 25 years in a federal prison, after being convicted of conspiracy, money laundering and other charges. Prosecutors said he swindled more than $200 million from investors through his business, which began in the 80s. Noticeably missing from the list of charges: crimes against humanity for getting those stupid songs stuck in our heads for years.
Undiscovered tribe found in Brazil
An “uncontacted tribe” was found and photographed by helicopter in a remote part of the Amazon rain forest. The Indians are pictured looking in confusion at the aircraft and even pointing bows and arrows at it. A nonprofit group said there are around 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide. The photographers celebrated the find by dropping iPhones, teen magazines and smallpox down to the natives.
The U.S. isn’t the only country whose airport baggage screeners come across something odd every now and then (like a fake bomb), apparently it’s a unifying experience.
Baggage handlers in Munich stopped a Italian woman after they found something in a plastic bag they were fairly certain was not allowed as a carry-on: human remains. The skeleton of what was found to be her brother, who had died 11 years earlier, got the woman pulled out of line for a few short questions.
Turns out, the woman’s brother died in Brazil and had always wanted to be buried in Italy, so she was simply trying to fulfill his wishes. However, oddly enough, you’re not allowed to have a dead person in your luggage.
