Drink your tits off

In the decision between heart and breast health, The Guys are firm believers that it’s what’s under your ribs that count.

Not to be a buzz kill, but a new report from the World Cancer Research Fund and the American Institute for Cancer Research reinforces a connection between daily drinking and breast cancer. And not in the good way like daily drinking and heart health. More like daily drinking and liver health.

According to research, sipping an impossibly small amount of alcohol a day — like, who only drinks a small glass of wine or only 8 ounces (half a pint) of beer? — corresponded with “a 5% increased breast cancer risk in premenopausal women and 9% increase in postmenopausal women.”

So, for those keeping score at home, the score between drinking and not drinking remains dead even. If that doesn’t call for a drink, we don’t know what does.

Good news: NFL cured breast cancer?

Unfortunately, nobody could tell that the Colts were raising awareness for colorectal cancer by wearing blue and playing with their heads up their asses.

It appears that the Era of Pink NFL Octobers is drawing to a close. Since 2009, the NFL claims to have raised $15 million dollars for the American Cancer Society by selling pink merchandise, which their players market by wearing on field. But, now the league will allow teams to choose which cancer they will observe and fund-raise for during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Some teams may choose to keep the “breast” in Breast Cancer Awareness Month and wear pink in October. Others may choose colors to raise money for cancers that only affect the coach or team directly or even change from year-to-year based on which cancer is really popular these days. But, it must be during October and not during the appropriate month for such things, like … oh, we don’t know … testicular and prostate cancer in November?

The important thing here is that the NFL doesn’t focus too much time or energy on any one fatal, life-ruining ailment.

The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember

Halloween has come and gone, and if you’re friends with Rick Snee or Bryan Schools on Facebook, you are well aware that it’s Movember. Yes, it’s that month where some of us pretend that mustaches are cool so we can raise awareness about … something involving dudes and health. It used to be man cancers, and now it seems like various things that affect men’s health.

I’m a dude, so dude health is way up there on my list of priorities. So I guess I have to be on the side of this vague cause. And if you know a guy and are concerned about his health, you should support it, too.

The problem is that groups like the NFL use it to just make a quick buck. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember

You Missed It: Choke job edition

A bit on-the-nose, isn't it?
A bit on-the-nose, isn’t it?

October is the worst time to be an NFL fan. It’s the month your team spends looking like something Mike Huckabee wants to boycott. They have all their usual colors, but some pink accents here and there in honor of breast cancer awareness month. It’s also a well-documented that the NFL puts as much money toward breast cancer research as it does the effects of repetitive brain trauma. It’s a cheap reach to score some more female viewers and take some of their money. Don’t buy in to the NFL’s pink gear. Also, don’t get a Buccaneers jersey for any reason ever. If you were busy eating a Whopper with a black bun this week, odds are you missed it.

Grown man takes sport too seriously
The Washington Nationals began this season with high hopes, but fell apart as the year wore on. The season’s symbol came this week when pitcher Jonathan Papelbon yelled at Bryce Harper for not running to a base fast enough, even choking Harper when he got back to the dugout. In a veteran move, Papelbon only used his glove hand to choke the team’s star player.

Hurricane trumps Trump
This week, Hurricane Joaquin formed in the Caribbean, spreading fears that it would hit the U.S. East Coast after lashing the Bahamas. The concern grew so much that Donald Trump had to cancel a campaign stop in Virginia Beach, Virginia. In a time when mass shootings are a near-daily occurrence, it’s nice to get some good news.

Sleepy moms have a new choice
A company called Steem has begun selling peanut butter with a large dose of caffeine in it. The company said it can help people cut back on their coffee intake, while enjoying the bliss of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not to be outdone, Skippy will start putting speed in its peanut butter.

The McBournie Minute: Hooray for ‘boobies’

It appears that the U.S. Supreme Court fancies boobs. It seems a bit early in the year for the highest court in the land to start making hnews, but there you have it. I mean, we all knew that Justice Clarence Thomas was big on the ladies, and it certainly makes sense that the lady justices would be in support of women, but still.

You don’t know what I’m talking about? The Supreme Court decided not to hear the “I (heart) boobies” wristband case, which probably would have resulted in the greatest headlines in the court’s history. That means that the federal appeals court’s ruling that such bracelets are OK for students to wear will stance.

The ever-intrepid yours truly has been following this case for over three years. Here’s some more about breasts. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Hooray for ‘boobies’

Football takes it marginally easier on the ‘tatas’ this week

No word yet as to whether RGIII's knee brace will match his arm condom and dick towel this week.
No word yet as to whether RGIII’s knee brace will match his arm condom and dick towel this week.

While the NFL may not express interest in medical science when it comes to chronic brain damage in their own yards, they went big for raising awareness of breast cancer. (Which, come to think of it, is weird since the only people more disposable in the NFL than the players are the cheerleaders.)

But, this year, they’re dialing back the pink, and by dial back, we mean going back to yellow penalty flags. The pink ones were sometimes confused with red personal foul flags and — we kid you not — all the other pink s**t on the field.

It ain’t much, but it’s a start.

Have you forgotten breast cancer?

We were on pace to finally eradicate breast cancer. We only needed to make a few things more pink and our awareness would have hammered the death nail through the scourge of breast-having Americans.

But, no! Some of you are tired of all the pink.

To change this, The Guys will tar and feather Alan Jackson with flamingo feathers so that he, too, will turn a tidy pink profit this October.

Did somebody get told?

In response to today’s Headline of the Day, “Low dietary fat more effective in fighting breast cancer than wearing pink,” all we can say is DA-YUM.

We almost asked the writer, David Liu, who peed in his mammogram results, but–show of hands–anyone out there not aware of breast cancer?

That it kills a lot of women, and breasts are removed?

Getting tested is a good idea?

Yeah, that’s what we thought. Maybe it’s time for Komen to get into cookbooks instead of cheesy bumper stickers.

Rise, my cake

Chancellor Palpatine Emperor Palpatine Pope Benedict XVI recently turned a whopping 83 years old. At his birthday party, he was given a large cake and had “Happy Birthday” sung to him in English. Because, you know, the Catholic Church has never had issues with small children and Benedict has never had any possible ties to the German Nazi party or movement. Never.

We can only assume that each candle (all 83 of them) had a tip that resembled a Pope hat. Because that makes us smile.

In other food related news, a hub-bub has been stirred up regarding the irony of KFC’s recent healthy focus campaign for the Susan G. Komen foundation and their release of the Double Down. And yet, there’s another hub-bub that they might want to focus on also. Oh, and SHAMELESS PLUG IS SHAMELESS