Tag: breast implants

To B-cup, or not to B-cup

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, is facing a moral crisis: exposed breasts!

Police refuse to arrest the flashers for the same reason The Guys refuse to tip strippers in Alabama: no vaginas.

The breasts in question belong to transgender women who have breast implants, but also have their natural-born tallywhackers. According to Rehoboth nudity statutes:

“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”

It’s possible that it is indeed nudity because, boy, do we have questions:

  1. According to Rehoboth law, is it nudity if the man’s genitals or butt are non-alarming and politely maintained?
  2. Gender aside, do the breasts count as nudity if they’re fake?

What to get the rock star with everything

Sharon Osbourne, wife of walking tremor/rock star Ozzy Osbourne, is having her breast implants removed. She plans to give the disembodied knockers to Ozzy as a present, suggesting that they could be used as paperweights.

This is a surprise to everyone because nobody knew Ozzy has papers to weigh down.

(Perhaps they’ll keep him abreast of his finances.)

That’s ‘famous titles‘

Whoever she is, she doesn't show up in any searches for Miss California USA.In the “can’t make this s#%t up” department, we catch back up with former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean. We hate to sound like total boobs, but we haven’t really kept abreast of her situation since we heard she was fired for breaching her contract.

However, the Miss California USA pageant officials are demanding that she pay back the loan they gave her for breast implants to make her “competitive in the national pageant [Miss USA] in April.” (Classy.)

The pageant’s renumeration demand is in response to a lawsuit by Prejean against the organization for publicly revealing the implants she didn’t have when she revealed herself in nude photos when she was allegedly 17. (Even classier.)

Yep, it’s just another high-watermark in classiness from two parties who believe–for some reason–that they are role models for young women.

Who will cry for the boob jobs?

There’s no doubt about it: there are plenty of women out there who will do anything for bigger boobs. And why not? They get attention, make you seem smarter, help balance heavy loads on laundry day and can steer the car while applying mascara.

Take, for example, Annabel Newell, who upgraded from A’s to C’s because she didn’t like her body. Fair enough, it’s a free country and God bless her.

So what’s the problem? People are asking about them, often because they look so unreal:

  • “When did you get them?”
  • “Are they real?”
  • “Can I touch them?”
  • “Can they heal my canker sore, and how can you be so sure without trying first?”

Sure, they’re rude questions. People are jerks. End of story, right?

“‘We’ve sensationalized the whole plastic surgery industry with shows like Extreme Makeover and Nip/Tuck, so now people feel they can discuss it, even with complete strangers,’ [Newell] says. ‘But it’s none of your business, and it’s extremely offensive to pry. What if I was a cancer survivor?‘”

Ah, yes. Let’s blame television. Of course, it’s television’s fault that women with clinically recorded lower self-esteem and body issues get very obvious cosmetic surgery for attention, and then get upset because people can’t help but notice that they’re unnatural. Let’s blame everyone else and the boob tube (sorry) because people like this believe that we’re not born a complete person without huge knockers. (Not that The Guys haven’t tried eating more.)

And why can we say this kind of crap? Because Newell’s not a cancer survivor.

We don’t judge breast implants here at SG (we merely evaluate them for weight and texture); but, we do have a mean spot for neurotic whiners who compare their condition to having cancer.

This is a bust!

Angelina Jolie, your public breastfeeding days are over … anytime you want to put those away?

Look, we get it: you love showing off that you’re a mom and people will do anything to see your breasts, like place a baby strategically over a nipple.

But aren’t you sending a dangerous message to the young women of America? They can’t afford safe dependable implants, but there you are on the cover of W, breastfeeding with bigger boobies that are courtesy of getting pregnant.

Teen girls are smart. They know that the condom doesn’t work if you poke holes in it. Before you know it, the whole countryside will be teen pregnant, all for bigger milk jugs.

We hope you’re happy, Ms. Jolie. And by that statement, we totally hope you’re not happy. (It’s Opposite Day. Or is it not Opposite Day???)