Milking this for all it’s worth

Some guy named Curtis — and it would have to be a “Curtis” to do something like this — will spend the next undetermined amount of time living the dream: suckling on ti …

What? The breast milk he’s attempting to live on has already been pumped? You know what? We hope it makes him fat.

Anyway, Curtis plans to keep us abreast (Hire us for your talk show!) on his blog as he consumes nothing but his wife’s frozen breast milk. This should take down those high-priced human breast milk lobbyists who say it’s safe to drink every day.

A lactacerbating situation

A woman charged with domestic violence and assault reportedly resisted arrest by spraying arresting police officers with breast milk. To specify: she hadn’t previously pumped it out, but whipped out an actual tittie (the right one, according to the Sheriff) and forcibly lactated on multiple deputies.

The plan backfired when the human breast milk–which is the best for growing police officers–gave the deputies stronger bones and muscles and delayed the onset of their osteoporosis, enabling them to remove her from her car.