Tag: breastfeeding

Those chest mounds are on the move!

Breasts are awesome. Everyone loves them, but what’s not always enjoyed about them are when they’re used for breastfeeding purposes. Yes, it’s natural, healthy and not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s just odd to watch.

So Pittsburgh, home of a man who was accused of being a rapist and somehow not convicted of being one, decided to make yesterday the official “Milk Truck Day.” This was of course capped with a truck rolling around town where women could let their breasticle pressure be eased.

While it’s being trumpeted about that this day was done in conjunction with an exhibit opening at the Andy Warhol museum, considering the Milk Truck is a converted ice cream truck with a giant breast on the roof, we can’t help but think that there’s probably a better tie-in that can be made instead.

We’re milkin’ it

For at least the first six years of The Guys’ lives, we were breastfed. When we were kicked off the teat habit, we picked up drinking, which probably says all sorts of Freudian things about us.

So, we get it when mothers want to breastfeed wherever and whenever it’s necessary. We could really kick over some store displays when we went into withdrawal. (The shakes can really boost the force behind a toddler’s weight.)

But, in McDonald’s? Really?

“Most critics said they feel nursing should be a private thing between a mother and her child, to which one nurse-in mother said, ‘Do you want me to take my baby into a dirty bathroom stall?’“

Lady, look around. You’re in a McDonald’s. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between the floors in the bathroom or the dining room. And you can get crabs from either’s seating.

We prefer our breasts prenatal

OK, ladies: what’s the deal?

We’re not allowed to see your breasts in changing rooms or beaches or on carefully hidden bathroom cameras, but we’re supposed to look when you’re breastfeeding?

Let us backtrack a minute.

Heather Farley has, in the spirit of lazy Internet people, started a Facebook group to protest Facebook. It appears the social networking Web site took down photos of her breastfeeding her baby. In response, her group is cleverly tittied titled, “Hey, Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!” [exclamation point hers, because that shows she’s serious].

Facebook, the fascist company that hosts her protest group, said the image showed her areola, which — in this Web site’s estimation — violates their image rules.

So, according to Farley, we’re not supposed to look at her breasts when she’s young and hot and fancy free, but she can show them to us when she’s somebody’s mother? With a baby gumming all over the nipples?

This is what’s wrong with America. We don’t want to see them now; we wanted to see them before they reminded us of the dangers of sex.

This is a bust!

Angelina Jolie, your public breastfeeding days are over … anytime you want to put those away?

Look, we get it: you love showing off that you’re a mom and people will do anything to see your breasts, like place a baby strategically over a nipple.

But aren’t you sending a dangerous message to the young women of America? They can’t afford safe dependable implants, but there you are on the cover of W, breastfeeding with bigger boobies that are courtesy of getting pregnant.

Teen girls are smart. They know that the condom doesn’t work if you poke holes in it. Before you know it, the whole countryside will be teen pregnant, all for bigger milk jugs.

We hope you’re happy, Ms. Jolie. And by that statement, we totally hope you’re not happy. (It’s Opposite Day. Or is it not Opposite Day???)