Lifting your breasts by the boobstraps

Who would have predicted that these women would advocate supporting breasts with nothing but the invisible hand of the free market, and that Donna Reed would be the welfare queen?
Who would have predicted that these women would advocate supporting breasts with nothing but the invisible hand of the free market, and that Donna Reed would be the welfare queen?

For at least the past 500 years, breasts have received support through the wearing of brassieres. But, what if breasts have become overdependent on that support to the point where they have lost all ability to support themselves. What if what seemed like a good idea is just creating a welfare state of freeloading boobs?

That’s one Frenchman’s theory, anyway. Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon of Besançon CHU studied 300 women’s breasts for 15 years — which is actually a pretty small sample compared to the amount The Guys have ogled in the same time period.

He found that women who permanently unclasped their bras developed firmer, perkier breasts and less back pain over time. His hypothesis is that sedentary, supported breasts just become weaker and fatter, while those forced to fend for themselves develop stronger self-support systems.

We know what you’re thinking: but, what about the children? They need assistance because their breasts can’t support themselves yet!

Rouillon also found that girls who began wearing bras from the onset of puberty were reliant on them for the rest of their breasts’ natural lives because they never developed their own cupping skills in the face of adversity.

More research is needed at this time, but if his hypothesis holds up, it may be time to turn those freeloaders into freeswingers.

German army keeps abreast on new diversionary tactics

Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.
Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.

As the U.S. begins to lift the ban on women in small combat units, Germany has proposed another solution: man-made Amazons. One battalion, the Wachbattalion, has suddenly had more boys asking it to dance now that all the men are growing left breasts. Not pecs, mind you: full-on titties.

Doctors believe it comes from repeatedly smacking their rifles against the left side of their chest during precision drilling. Pounding on that same spot has caused a condition called gynecomastia, in which the male body is stimulated into producing the hormones that grow moobs. Over 70 percent of the battalion has been affected, while the other 30 percent have written letters to god in their diaries, wondering when it will be their turn to blossom.

But, don’t worry: the German military takes this very seriously:

Military officials have promised to keep an eye on the men’s breasts. ‘The affected soldiers are being medically supervised and treated individually,’ an army spokesman told the Herald.

Who wants to bet it involves a lot of massages and shirts-vs-skins basketball?

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link! That’s two in two days.]

How about Occupy Those Boobs, AMIRITEGIZE?

Finally, a protest we can almost get behind!

A Houston mom decided that she had had enough of being told what to do by Target employees. “Stop running away with those pretzels,” “this line is closed,” “you can’t buy that because we don’t have it in stock,” “put away your fun-bags” and other commands had been sent the way of Michelle Hickman for just too long! Being that we live in a civil society where everyone takes a pragmatic, well thought-out approach to their actions, Hickman did the only rational thing: create a flash mob-style nurse-in at a Target yesterday morning.

“I’ve gotten way more support than I imagined,” Hickman said today outside the Webster store.

Naturally, we assume that’s because she’s wearing a new bra and doesn’t have a kiddo suckling at her teet during the interview.

No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.

To B-cup, or not to B-cup

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, is facing a moral crisis: exposed breasts!

Police refuse to arrest the flashers for the same reason The Guys refuse to tip strippers in Alabama: no vaginas.

The breasts in question belong to transgender women who have breast implants, but also have their natural-born tallywhackers. According to Rehoboth nudity statutes:

“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”

It’s possible that it is indeed nudity because, boy, do we have questions:

  1. According to Rehoboth law, is it nudity if the man’s genitals or butt are non-alarming and politely maintained?
  2. Gender aside, do the breasts count as nudity if they’re fake?

We prefer our breasts prenatal

OK, ladies: what’s the deal?

We’re not allowed to see your breasts in changing rooms or beaches or on carefully hidden bathroom cameras, but we’re supposed to look when you’re breastfeeding?

Let us backtrack a minute.

Heather Farley has, in the spirit of lazy Internet people, started a Facebook group to protest Facebook. It appears the social networking Web site took down photos of her breastfeeding her baby. In response, her group is cleverly tittied titled, “Hey, Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!” [exclamation point hers, because that shows she’s serious].

Facebook, the fascist company that hosts her protest group, said the image showed her areola, which — in this Web site’s estimation — violates their image rules.

So, according to Farley, we’re not supposed to look at her breasts when she’s young and hot and fancy free, but she can show them to us when she’s somebody’s mother? With a baby gumming all over the nipples?

This is what’s wrong with America. We don’t want to see them now; we wanted to see them before they reminded us of the dangers of sex.

Office of Boob Investigations under siege

The few, the proud, the DoTWe’ve long been proponents of the Second Amendment on this site, whether you plan on using your arms on animals or the government itself. (Our FBI profile just went up a notch with that sentence.)

We’ve wondered when the government would overstep its boundaries and attack the very institutions we hold dear. The police of Louisville, Kentucky have arrested one of our duly-appointed Official Boob Inspectors, which is the policing body of the Department of Titillation. They’ve trumped up a charge of “impersonating an officer” and will probably hold him indefinitely.

By taking away our means and standards of evaluating breasts, the government has rendered us defenseless against imposter mammories of dubious quality. It’s only a matter of time before the Internet is full of saggy man-tits and we settle for third or even fourth inverted nipples.

This blog is not suggesting that the good citizens of Louisville demand this brave inspector’s release through rioting and violence. That would be irresponsible. We just ask that they think of the porn and how this government interference will affect all of us.