Chuck Norris to join Slovakia and Austria, no survivors expected

Ever wonder where all those Chuck Norris jokes went after the Internet was finished with them? Eastern Europe. And once a meme goes Eastern European, it doesn’t matter how hard Blizzard (makers of World of Warcraft) tries to bring them back — you don’t want it.

That said, would the Slovaks please, please, please take our “How [blank] sees [blank] …” meme? We’ll throw in Caturday in exchange for some of your finest avant-garde movie posters.

A report on affairs o’ the Orient

G’morning, mateys! While many o’ ye be strictly Atlantic water pirates, more an’ more o’ ye have been smartly settin’ sail for the shores o’ China, lured by promises o’ gold fingernails, spices and lasses with tiny feet. For those of ye considerin’ the journey, here be a brief update on all things Asiatic:

Leave the rum, take the milk

Four little babies be dead and thousands more be sick from drinking a powderrrred formula that be tainted with chemicals.

The Chinese State Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine (an upstandin’ organization that be always verifin’ that ye lead bars be gold) says that adults be safe for now, as the chemical, tripolycyanide, only kills wee lubbers under this tall.

So, if ye be dangerously near the last dregs of ye rum, consider setting anchor at the Glorious People’s Breast-Free Lacterium and adding some special formula to ye crew’s grog.

If ye blind friends be doin’ it, would ye?

South Korean Police have arrested 26 blind masseurs who were attemptin’ to jump off o’ a bridge–presumably because all o’ their friends be doin’ it.

The jumperrrs be protestin’ a law that be allowin’ currs with workin’ deadlights to be encroachin’ on their trade. In the past, the law only allowed blind jacks to massage ye, medically-speakin’ o’ course.

So, if ye be sailin’ past the Korean pennisula, keep an eye out for accidental deckside stowaways. It be not likely that they know where they be goin’.

Let’s not take any chances now

Evidentally, if one kid jumps off of a bridge, others will, too.

That’s the fear of residents in West Akon, Ohio since 1981. They have pushed the city council ever since to build a chainlink fence on the sides of the bridge ever since.

The chainlink fence, also known to area children as “the impentrable, unscalable wall that blocks access to all things awesome,” would have been built sooner, but was considered too expensive. However, this endless game of sporadic lemmings will draw to an end soon: they’re finally going to do it.

Unfortunately, their plan was for naught:

“Andrea Denton, with the Summit County Suicide Prevention Coalition, supports fencing for the bridge, but voiced concern about publicizing the issue.

“‘Our goal is preventing suicides,’ she said. ‘Often it is a momentary, impulsive decision to jump. That’s why it makes me nervous doing anything about the bridge. This could give some people an idea.'”