You Missed It: Internal investigation edition

What a difference two months makes.

It really is official now, I’m old. The release of the new Power Rangers movie marks the first time that there has been a reboot of a childhood show that I was too old for the first time around. I haven’t seen a lot of the reboots, but I’m not necessarily opposed to them. There’s no issue in taking things I remember from my childhood and reworking them in a way to make them relevant for the next generation. Except for that live-action Beauty and the Beast remake. It’s literally the same movie, and you are all fools for going to see it. If you were busy taking it to Cracker Barrel for firing Brad’s wife this week, odds are you missed it.

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
This week, FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continues to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale are just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
This week, authorities announced that they found stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years ago. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Spot of T. rex
Paleontologists are arguing that a branch of dinosaurs that includes the Tyrannosaurus rex evolved earlier than previously thought and probably came from what is now Britain. The researchers said their first clue was that all dinosaurs had such bad teeth.

Old woman held hostage by seagulls

Summer may be over, but the terror caused by seagulls in England isn’t. In fact, it’s just getting worse.

According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.

British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.

British pets eat like American humans

No, you can't has anymore cheezburgers.
No, you can’t has anymore cheezburgers.

No matter how many weight-loss reality shows we watch, Americans just can’t seem to lose any weight. It’s no secret that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but it’s good to know that the Brits are struggling with the same thing — their pets are, anyway.

According to a veterinarian group in the U.K., British pets are fat because their owners keep feeding them fast food and leftovers from dining out. Here in America, we save that stuff for ourselves. (Let the dog go buy his own Taco Bell!) What’s worse, is that some U.K. pet owners are even feeding their animals booze.

That kind of behavior here is reserved for Toby Keith songs.

British lawmaker can’t find the R2-D2 shoes she is looking for

The Democratic and Republican presidential debates serve as a reminder that for some reason portions of us think these people are worthy of leadership. The rest of us just have fun watching Jeb Bush humiliate himself. But even so, it’s nice to know that politics aren’t all prim and proper overseas, either.

Angela Rayner is a member of parliament in the British House of Commons. She wanted to buy a pair of shoes, but they were sold out. So she wrote a strongly worded letter to the shop that sold the shoes, and did so on House of Commons letterhead. An MP used official letterhead to complain about shoes. Scandalous, right? She was complaining that she wasn’t able to buy some high heels with R2-D2 on them.

This is the internet, so nothing Star Wars is outrageous for many people. But can you imagine if Nancy Pelosi strolled into the Capitol one day in shoes that had C-3PO on the heel?

Proving your worth, one teaspoon at a time

"I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I'm barely a man at all."
“I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I’m barely a man at all.”

As if things weren’t bad enough for Britain with Germany showing it up, their sperm banks aren’t helping. In an entire year, Britain’s national sperm bank has only drummed up nine total donors. Nine. As in not 90, 900 or even 9,000. Nine British men with British genetics.

So, to somehow bring out the best in British manhood, the bank is trying a new ad campaign: daring British men to “prove your worth, show [Laura Witjens, the chief executive] how good you are.”

Now, as guys, The Guys understand a few things about guys. We all revere and kind of hope that Arnold Schwarzenegger is our real dad. We all pretend to understand the rules to every sport a lot more than we actually do. And we don’t use our semen to prove our manliness — no matter how literal of a virility test that would be.

What we’re saying is, Ms. Witjens, you’re more likely to get a lot of guys to bench press, skip rocks, or open pickle jars outside of your sperm bank than hand you cups of baby batter.

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

British women smell, science says

Britain is know for being a charming little island where if you’re a 7 or higher, you’re knighted and put into whatever the U.K. version of Hollywood is. (It’s probably something like Hollywoodfordshire.) But thanks to one study, it’s also the island of unclean women.

According to a study by Flint + Flint, a skincare company that clearly has no vested interest in the outcome, a staggering four out of five women don’t shower daily. Nearly two-thirds of them are so gross they can’t even be bothered to take off their makeup at night. Just imagine what those pillowcases look like. The nastiest finding is that about a third of British women go for up to three days without taking a shower.

Not even an exotic accent can make that seem datable.

The McBournie Minute: Dying to take a selfie

I like to think of myself as a well-informed consumer of media. I don’t always trust a news source just because it is able to put words on a page. Instead, I read a lot of news and then draw my own conclusions, as any thoughtful citizen of the world should do.

It’s because I am so versed in media literacy that I feel especially good when I work myself into hysterics because of a handful of incidents happening around the world at any given time. That’s why I’m here to plead with you: Please stop taking selfies. Not because it might make you sad if people don’t like them, not because your lady friends will judge you, and not even because it’s a fake word that is now treated like a real one in Scrabble.

Your selfie just might kill you. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Dying to take a selfie

Heisenberg nowhere to be seen

Liquid methamphetamine is highly addictive and even more dangerous. Kids, if you’re gonna mess with it, clearly know how to safely mess with meth.

1. Safety gloves only.

2. Mark it in a clearly and well labeled container.

3. Do not consume it, no matter what it looks like.

Remember, loss of liquid methamphetamine is both extremely costly and usually gets you involved with drug dealers, a scurvy lot that rarely (but occasionally) reads Walt Whitman.