New trend: wiping with cash

If you’re still spending cash these days, you’re doing it wrong. One in seven British notes are contaminated with fecal matter, six percent of which were categorized as showing “gross contamination — where the levels of bacteria detected were equal to that you would expect to find in a dirty toilet bowl.”

This means only one thing: the wealthy are wiping their asses with money, just to spread diarrhoeal infections to the other 99 percent in a game that they call “Trickle Down Economics.”

But, that’s not all: eight percent of all bank cards are also grossly infected, which means only one thing: the super rich have to withdraw toilet paper from the ATM, just like the rest of us.

Part Frankenstein, part mummy, all Scottish

If you thought you had prepared for every possible zombie, vampire or Kardashian outbreak, then you’d better sit down for this: Frankenstein mummies.

Yes, Frankenstein mummies. Part Frankenstein[‘s monster], part mummy, all Scottish. There’s no cereal box spooky enough to convert this threat into marshmallow form.

And you know what? It makes sense. Science has warned us for years about bacterial super strains due to overuse of antibiotics. It was only a matter of time that our monsters developed super strains due to overuse in adaptations of classic literature and American history.

When I think of the Summer Olympics, I think of precipitation

Despite how insanely absurd this sounds, I swear to you, it’s not a joke.

The opening ceremony for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London will most definitely have a forecast of rain-and it’s not just expected, it’s purposely planned.

Danny Boyle, director of many incredibly somber but fantastic movies, has been put in charge of the opening ceremony. He plans to show off London in all her rain soaked glory. There is no other chance of that happening, not because it’s always raining in London (it almost always is), but because Boyle will have the clouds seeded beforehand to insure it. The thought is that by showing real rain, coupled with live farm animals, spectators there and the audience watching at home will be able to understand and see firsthand just what life is like in the British Isles.

This is a spectacularly dumb idea.

It’s raining, it’s pouring, nobody’s snoring but England will probably continue its streak of not winning a gold medal in anything that matters.


Life imitates art, man imitates dog

In what can only be presented as the first ever fusion of Abbott and Costello meets Benny Hill, an officer managed to chase himself for 20 minutes.

Okay, so, yeah, there IS more to it than just that. Britain is filled with CCTV surveillance, all to help out security. An undercover officer was patrolling the area after crimes had hit it earlier. A camera operator let him know that there was a suspicious character seen in the vicinity of him. Except, since he was undercover, the camera operator did not know what the officer looked like, and in order to not attract attention, the undercover wasn’t going to make it obvious that he was a cop. Nonetheless, neither would stop doing their job, as crime was potentially afoot!

This unintentional bit of comedy continued for nearly half an hour before a higher ranking official came into the monitoring booth and pointed out just how wrong both parties were.

Remember kids, England’s the country that tried to take us over a long time ago. Somehow.

Surprise: girl that wears trashy shirt has trashy diet, may die in trash

Whenever you watch a movie or television and you see a British person, the natural assumption is that they’re smart. I mean, their accent is so smooth and it sounds so educated that everything they do just has to be right because they’re so smart and literary and scholarly, right?

That’s why SeriouslyGuys is always here to let you know that the British are just as stupid as the rest of the world. And to do so, we’d like to introduce you to 17 year old Stacey Irvine. Stacey Irvine has apparently known only a diet of chicken nuggets for the past 15 years. We only know this because she has copped to it after collapsing at her factory job. Three cheers for Oliver Twist era working conditions making a comeback!

If this is true, this is not a smart move. This is not a scholarly move. This is a horrible move that not even is seen in the fattest, most unhealthy corners of the United States.

U-S-A, U-S-A!

You aren’t doing it right if it isn’t inappropriate

There are a lot of contests with prizes that we disagree with, like the McDonald’s Monopoly pieces that only award foods that don’t come with additional game pieces. The “win a baby” contest in Britain is not one of those games.

Winners of “To Hatch” will receive “25,000 pounds’ ($40,175) worth of tailor-made treatments at one of the UK’s top five fertility clinics.” And if that doesn’t work, winners can also receive “reproductive surgery, donor eggs and sperm or a surrogate birth.”

Critics, however, claim that the contest is “inappropriate and demeaning to human reproduction.” To which we reply, oh yeah? Have you ever even seen sex?

Efficiency 1, Logic 0

If you have a wart, you can freeze it off. Or burn it off. Or rub a toad over it, however that old wives’ tale goes. Personally, I can’t say for sure because I’ve never had one, but I’m pretty sure at least one of those methods will work … but not nearly as efficient as a shotgun. A shotgun blast will remove the wart from the face of the Earth, as long as you don’t mind such bothersome parts of your body, like … parts of your body.

Right, Sean Murphy?

Right! Murphy had been vexed, nay, bedeviled, by the annoying bump for years and felt that enough was enough. Unfortunately (or luckily?), the wart was located on his hand, and as such, he now has a stump for a middle finger on his left hand.

The most surprising part of the story? Murphy lives in Britain, a country not known for white-trash home medicine hijinks.

It’s life imitating art

Especially when the art is a Steven Seagal movie. Note: this might be the truest form of an oxymoron.

Remember the Cold War? Everyone was all “Grr, snarl, I’ll get you Comrade Jerk-ski, Take that Capitalist Pig!” And then there was that whole nuclear standoff that has eventually put us where we are now. Which is to say, with the United States as the top dog and Russia still eating borscht. But hey, now we’ll never have movies like Hunt for the Red October. Right?

Not unless we’re able to add in countries like Britain.

Something about this story seems vaguely familiar

So, let me get this straight. There was a reptile? And it was located? Somewhere on a flying craft?

I have no idea what we can do with a story headline like that. No clue whatsoever.

Of course, we could just chalk up the story to “crocodiles being crocodiles,” but factor in the smuggler aspect, the airplane factor and the stampeding animals variable, and well … actually, “crocodiles being crocodiles” still probably works.

TMI in today’s HotD

The BBC would like you to know that Ed Millibrand’s Balls support him 100 percent. (Normally, we wouldn’t capitalize “balls,” but it must be a British punctuation rule.)

Mr. Millibrand recently won the leader position in Britain’s Labour party. His balls apparently placed third, so they either took both the second and third positions, third and fourth or ran on a single ticket. The announcement by his balls will help ensure that they do not receive an undue amount of attention, allowing voters to focus on Millibrand’s message.

While we’re happy for Ed and his testicles (band name reserved), The Guys don’t really see what the big deal’s about. Our balls write half of our copy and pay our hosting fees with their day jobs.