Tag: britain

Easily the crappiest car to date

By now, everyone is aware that, while, we’re not exactly in an energy crisis, we do need to find alternative energy sources. As well, I’m sure that everyone is aware of the adage “look inward” when attempting to solve problems. The Toyota Prius aside, not all of the hybrids are that bad. Tesla’s, in fact, are quite awesome. Unfortunately, they’re missing just one thing-they’re just good cars.

Clearly, they’re not crappy enough vehicles. The Bio-Bug would like to change that opinion. Why so? Because it’s powered by poop.

Really.

The base theory behind the cars is that using them would help us reduce carbon emissions, since we’re reusing carbon that’s already been released, and thus help us reduce dependence on gas as well. You know, since that’s already been released as well. It’s currently being tested in Britain only, but who knows what a successful future could lead for it? When this car is brought to America, though, it’ll be a golden age for Taco Bell and Chinese buffets nationwide.

A bump on the noggin will get your engine going

Welcome to one of the best headlines in a long time. According the news wire, 24 year-old Briton Amanda Flowers has become a “sex addict” after falling off her Wii Fit board.

That’s just rich.

It seems that, courtesy of the fall, she’s developed persistent sexual arousal syndrome. Now any time Amanda is around anything vibrating or pulsing, like a mobile phone or blender, she becomes aroused. Like I said, her engine is going.

“It began as a twinge down below before surging through my body”, she says of the onset of an attack.

Provided this is actually and truly a real story, this isn’t one hundred percent great for Amanda. On the one hand, she went from playing Wii Fit to developing a serious condition. On the other, most people that fall off things get hurt, not a bunch of unprovoked orgasms.

Brother, give that man a hand

Because if you’re in Britain, there’s a chance that your request might end up giving him an eye instead. Or a liver. Or a hypothalamus.

The National Health Service, or NHS, made just a little bit of a mistake by incorrectly recording which organs of some of the citizens are to be donated.

And by some, I mean up to 800,000. Whoopsidoodle.

Smelliest flash mob ever

We’ve waxed poetic about Star Wars many times before in the past-truthfully, the majority opinion here at SG is that Star Wars nerds are absolutely hilarious to watch in real life. And we don’t care how hard you send your emails or how sternly you word them from the basement in which you reside.

But, wow. That’s a lot of Cheetos smell.

“I HAVE THE UPPER GROUND, GUVNA’!”

It’s not safe to go into the war anymore

Hey everyone! What’s 10 feet long, can live up a century, used to live in the Atlantic but now lives in Britain, has a body the size of a fully inflated basketball, oh, and is still growing?

The answer is a Japanese Spider Crab found in Britain, but if you answered the dark arthropod tar that nightmares are made of, we would have accepted that as well.

If the sheer size of this beast isn’t enough to force science to move along with the cybernetic enhancements that humans need (along with jetpack, already!), then I don’t know what is.

Man regrows skull, still has soft spot

Fifty years ago, Gordon Moore lost part of his skull in a car accident, and as a result, had to have a metal plate inserted around his skull. He then managed to dent the plate in another car crash three years later. This week, his doctors were rather surprised when they removed his metal plate to find his skull completely intact.

Note: there is no word on if he happens to have any claws made of bone located around his wrists.

Legal cock-up yields loophole for youngsters

The free market wins again! The cock-up of lawmakers is your gain, youngsters!

At least, if you live in Britain.

It’s always been considered illegal to sell adult-rated video games and movies to minors in the United Kingdom, ever since the Video Recordings Act of 1984. However, it’s been discovered today that the required paperwork was never put through properly, meaning that it’s actually been legal to sell adult entertainment to children for the past twenty-five years! In order for a law to be formally passed in the U.K., it has to be forwarded first to the European Union. Nobody ever actually did this when the law was drawn up over two decades ago, meaning it was never officially in place or legally enforceable.

What does this mean? Those who have already been convicted of an offense under the act will remain convicted, and can’t have their penalties/fines/sentences reduced. But those about to be prosecuted will be spared, at least until the government can enact “emergency legislation” to close the loophole. And in the meantime? Until said loophole is closed, it’s 100% legal for anyone, of any age, to buy anything. Movies, games, porn, doesn’t matter. Even if it’s media content that was previously banned in the U.K., until that emergency legislation is passed, it’s all good.

So, teenagers and pre-teens of the U.K., what are you waiting for? Hop to it and contribute to both the free market and your cerebral delinquency!

Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

All of your friends are probably doing it, too.Ever since adults picked up literacy from their kids, the world has been divided into two types of people:

  1. Those who read Harry Potter and tragically admit to it
  2. Those who read Harry Potter and hide it behind protesting too much

Let me clarify. There’s nothing wrong with reading Harry Potter and watching the movies and maybe even dressing up every once in a while (if you’re hot). Though the wheel may be squeaky, the real problem isn’t adults.

It’s not even witchcraft, morally-ambiguous elf slavery or alcoholism. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

Spoilers: Snape touches students

If the internet was made for sex, then what are young adult books made for?

Well, if you’re in Britain, then they’re clearly made for pedophilic tendencies. Isn’t that right, J.K. Rowling?

Oh yes, that’s right, the woman behind the financial marvel known as ‘ARRY POHTTAUH may have to register as a potential pedophile simply thanks to the literature that she’s written. Now, mind you, the Harry Potter series is clearly not of the Lolita style of writing, but simply because she has the possibility of visiting students at schools, Rowling must go onto a list of people who may have a greater likelihood of becoming white unmarked van drivers. Oh, and also, she’s required to pay a fee to go onto this list. Genius.

And no, this is not an article from The Onion. We could only hope that it was.

Beer bellies-a thing of the past

Oh science, how I love you!

From the UK comes excellent news for beer drinkers — and their bellies: According to the results of a new study, beer bellies are caused by genetics, not beer.

After tracking 7,876 men and 12,749 women over the course of eight and a half years, a group of German and Swedish researchers discovered that while regular drinkers — especially those who consumed the equivalent of two pints a day — were more likely to gain weight overall, that weight did not necessarily accumulate in the abdominal region. The scientists concluded that while “beer consumption seems to be rather associated with an increase in overall body fatness,” evidence of more “site-specific” weight gain was limited. Somewhat unsurprisingly, given its pivotal role in most weighty matters, genetics was the real culprit.

The news couldn’t have come at a better time, i.e summer, when hot days call out for cold brews and beer aficionados seek sweet relief in air-conditioned bars across the country.