Tag: britain

The iPhone is the most deadly gateway drug of them all

UK tabloid The Daily Star reports that Amy Packard has been comatose for seven years following her decision to screw around with heroin. Amy’s mother Thelma wants Underworld, the newly renamed Drug Lords game for the iPhone, abolished.

“My daughter’s life has been ruined by drugs,” protests Thelma. “If this game is allowed to come out, impressionable kids will play it and Amy’s mistake will be repeated over and over again. Youngsters like Amy are exactly the people who download and play games like this on their mobiles.

Drugs can be, and ultimately are, bad. There’s no argument in the world against that. What’s just as bad, though? The “I was personally affected by this, hence I want it banned” attitude. Wanting to ban something you’re personally upset by is far more offensive than the source material itself. If parents want to give iPhones to their possibly already spoiled children and let them run around unchecked, they’re asking for trouble.

Note: Source link might be considered Not Safe For Work, simply based ads depicting scantily-clad women-folk and how open your employer is to that concept.

Quick, someone call Bruce Willis!

Forget Anthrax! Screw weapons of mass destruction! Smallpox, you’re just old news! The real threat to human safety is not on the planet, but above the planet.

It’s that time of the year again! Yes, the world’s scientific community has gotten together, not to finally give us our f—ing jet-packs already, but to give awareness to the world that the most serious threat to Earth are asteroids. Something Hollywood has been telling us for the past ten years, at least.

To sum up the points of the conference:

  • The Association of Space Explorers wants the UN to approve asteroid interception missions.
  • An asteroid may have killed off all of the dinosaurs.
  • Asteroid Apophis, like everything else in space, has a possible chance of hitting Earth.
  • Gravity can be used to deflect asteroids.
  • If Apophis hits Earth, we’re boned.
  • We must take this threat for real because, let’s face it, we won’t always have Ben Affleck around to protect us.

What can save us now:

  • Michael Bay’s filmmaking
  • A power ballad by Aerosmith
  • President Morgan Freeman
  • Superboy of Earth Prime

MasterChugs Theater: ‘An American Werewolf in London’

Often, there’s a fine line between horror and humor. That’s because a natural defense mechanism of the human psyche is to laugh at something that causes discomfort. Hence, while some people are shocked and horrified by a film like The Exorcist, others chortle and giggle like they’re watching an Adam Sandler comedy. On rare occasions, directors attempt to exploit this link. Most of the time, they fail miserably, and the results can be painfully unfunny and non-frightening. However, a few filmmakers defy the odds and mine the right vein of ore. The list is disappointingly short, and includes names like Sam Raimi (The Evil Dead and its two sequels) and John Landis.

Landis came to An American Werewolf in London riding the crest of a wave of popularity. His two previous movies, National Lampoon’s Animal House and The Blues Brothers, had proven to be huge box office successes. An American Werewolf in London would make it a trifecta. Afterwards, the director’s career began a slow downward slide, beginning with the on-set disaster associated with his segment of The Twilight Zone (in which actor Vic Morrow was killed). Landis rebounded briefly with Trading Places, but, by the advent of the 90s, he was mostly regarded as a has-been and proof of how easily even a proven filmmaker can fall out of favor in a fickle industry.

In terms of storyline and plot structure, there’s nothing new or surprising about An American Werewolf in London. What makes this film different (if not unique) is its successful marriage of comedy and horror. The humorous sequences are funny enough to laugh at, while the gruesome scenes retain the power to shock. From time to time, Landis strays close to the line of camp, but never quite crosses over. This is in large part due to our identification with the main character, whom we hope against hope will find some way out of an impossible predicament. Had this individual been imbued with less humanity, he would have turned into a caricature and the entire film would have devolved into the kind of grotesque farce that characterized An American Werewolf in London‘s 1997 sequel, An American Werewolf in Paris. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘An American Werewolf in London’

The dead hate the swimming

Dear Britain:

You’re ever so jolly. Always showing a good show, we’re never really too sure if you’re on our side or not. I mean, you’re not still sore about that whole breaking away thing, right? Cool beans. I mean, America, or more specifically, The Guys, just want to help you out. Hey, did you know that the animals have crossed the pond and begun the war on you? I mean, the evidence is right there in front of you!

At one of your aquariums, the face of a ghost was found in a shark tank. That’s some utterly horrifying shite! I mean, think about it–if a ghost is there, then clearly it’s the ghost of a poor soul that was eaten by the sharks. Yeah, that’s right, the sharks are eating your people right under your noses. That’s horrible! What’s even worse are the only two possibilities that can arise if this isn’t stopped:

  1. The sharks will continue to eat people. This will not stop until the entire tank is filled with the disembodied ghost heads of people, at which point, no one in your country will ever get any sleep again due to the ghostly wailing that will constantly happen.
  2. The sharks, secret plants by their insidious animal overlords, have been infected with a virus akin to Solarium. As any fan of Max Brooks knows, this can only lead onto zombies, and eventually, World War Z. Since zombies are cannibalistic in nature, they’ll have no need to attack the animals (unless they’re of the Italios Fulcis species)-but they won’t hesitate to attack us. The animals can simply kick back and allow our forces to be depleted, then sweep in and kill us all.

Come, join with us Britain! Put aside your differences and work together with us to end this war! We need all the help we can get-and we’ll gladly have yours, guv’na.

Sincerely,

Chris “Chugs” Taylor

(Story courtesy of Adrienne)

A tax increase on pints? Blimey!

If there’s one thing this blog likes to do, it’s get all fired up about one of the topics we feel isn’t getting reported or not been reported fairly. Today, we get our dander up over alcohol, and the creeping fascism that seeks to destroy it once and for all.

In Britain, long known for its beverage-related tyranny, is now trying to oppress the drunks that stagger among them. The U.K.’s treasury chief raised taxes on beer. There are many things citizens in the U.K. can take (like financially supporting an antiquated and purely ceremonial lineage under the guise of a ruling status), but a beer tax is too much for boozing Britons to stand–well, if they were sober enough to stand.

In response to this clearly unreasonable taxation with representation, the citizens are mounting an Internet campaign, a “whiskey rebellion,” if you will, against Allistair Darling, the treasury chief. All over the country, pubs are putting up signs saying they will not serve Darling in their establishments. This blog firmly supports the movement, and hopes that our British, Scottish, Welsh and Cornish cousins will soon break free from the chains of oppression, so that they may one day sit down in a pub and drink their grog without fear of government intrusion.