A lot of poop news to take care of

Or he’s retiring to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits from the “South Park” creators.

We took a week off (and our layout seems to have taken an extended vacation), so you might have missed some of the most important world news–namely, poop news. We’re backed up with poop news, so let’s bear down and get through it.

Canada is in shock after the beloved Mr. Floatie announced his retirement from public life. Mr. Floatie, a turd mascot with a face, white gloves and a sailor hat (really), has been an icon in Victoria, British Columbia since 2004. He called attention to the city’s practice of dumping raw sewage into the ocean. Now, with the city building a sewage treatment plant, his job is done. The poop mascot was the hero his city needed. We will miss you, Mr. Floatie.

In Venezuela, there’s more than just political activism in the air. The country’s National Guard reported that rioters threw bottles filled with feces and water at them during a protest last week. The devices are called “poopootov cocktails,” obviously in homage to the great Soviet General Vasily Poopootov, who helped push back the Nazi invasion during World War II by flinging poop at German forces.

Why don’t young folks like nudist camps?

Nudism just doesn’t have the draw with the youth like it used to, at least according to one nudist camp in Canada.

In the 1970s, the Van Tan Club in British Columbia boasted a membership of around 150 people. Today, they’re a third of that, and they’re mostly Baby Boomers. Members there say the younger generations just don’t seem to be into nudism like they are. They say young folks could do with some positive messages about their bodies, but the Boomers can’t seem to reach them.

Perhaps the problem is that no one wants to hang out with old naked people.

Pickup trucks no longer safe haven from bears

“Clever girl.

These famous last words were uttered by the great warrior, Robert Muldoon, right before he was slit from ear to ear (and cheeks to cheeks) by the monstrous velociraptor. We might have to start applying that to another enemy in our war.

Thanks to footage by a Canadian couple, we know that bears can now open doors. But not just any doors: the doors of our vehicles. No longer will we be able to run into our cars, locking ourselves away from the danger of the beasts, as the bears are now coming after our door handles.

If this revelation doesn’t bring about the onset of thumbprint door handles for all cars, then The Guys don’t know what will.

Canada’s losing strategy

Canada’s health care system is oot of control.

A town in British Columbia, which, as we understand it, is neither British nor Colombian, has a pigeon problem. It’s really serious, you guys. They poop a lot, if you haven’t heard. Rather than solve things the American way by shooting them or releasing hawks to kill the bastards, the town wants to provide birth control for the pests.

The plan is to feed the birds a drug that will eventually make them sterile. This is what the War on Animals could look like in Obama’s America.

Just wait until they get to The Butter Battle Book

In a British Columbia town in Canada, Yertle rhymes with turtle, and along with that, rhymes with “banned messages that can no longer be taught to first grade and highly impressionable children” and “proletariat inspiration for the working class educators.”

So, Theodor Geisel’s got that going for his legacy.

Beware of sea aliens

Just past a year following the earthquake and tsunami that wrecked Tohoku, one of the largest single pieces of debris from the disaster has crossed the ocean, a full-sized commercial fishing trawler. The derelict was sighted about 50 miles off the coast of Canada’s British Columbia province, near the Haida Gwaii islands. Spotter planes found the ship floating upright, intact and seemingly seaworthy but for the extensive rust covering the hull. There were no signs of life aboard the vessel.

Human life, that is.

Contrary to popular belief, the patch itself isn’t “solid enough to walk on”. Much of the debris is submerged and almost invisible. Having watched tons and tons of movies over the course of my life, I have the utmost belief that there is some kind of hidden alien or monster in that vessel, secretly waiting for silly humans to attempt to stumble onto it. Or, the ship has become a lure for some giant angler fish-esque leviathan.

The only safe course of action to do is burn the water. Twice. Just in case.

Catch Me If You Canada

Frank Abignale Jr. is back!

And he’s not even old enough to drink yet. Which, honestly, is still par for the course.

Colton Harris-Moore, a young man just old enough to legally smoke, is suspected of stealing a Cessna 182, flying the plane and then crashing the plane. For someone not enlisted in the Air Force to do that, that’s fairly impressive.

It’s not all bad thoughts, though. Pam Kohler, mother of Colton, has provided us with two hilariously awesome quotes:

“I just wish he would wear a parachute,” Pam Kohler said.

and

“Now every plane that gets stolen is going to be blamed on him,” she said.

Safety and stereotyping. Those are two bastions of every mother’s handbook for caring.

Warrior of the Week: Some British Columbian guy

When you go out into the forest, you know the enemy is watching. They are everywhere. From the birds reporting on your position to the mosquitoes harassing you so you can’t make a clear decision. However, we all know the risks of running into a wild animal, you know, the big kind.

That’s exactly what happened to a man from British Columbia (which is neither British, nor Colombian) last week. The 21-year old man was trying to hitchhike when he ran into a cougar, which he quickly decided did not want to give him a lift. The cougar watched him from a perch above and followed him as he walked. He called his girlfriend, who called police, as the cougar got closer. Finally, the man broke into a run and the cougar gave chase.

The ferocious cougar pounced on the man in an instant. It didn’t look good for our hero, but he grabbed a rock and bashed the cougar over the head until it ran off. Get this: the man was unhurt.