Tag: British

Doubloons be sparrrse across th’ Seven Seas

Due to the overindulgence of a few landlubber thieves on Wall Street, times be tough for Buccaneer-Americans of all shapes and sizes. But we be not the only ones keeping an extra eye on the treasure chest these days: the Brits and the Russians are lacking in the booty department.

In fancy-pantaloons England, parents no longer give their younger crewmates their fair share of the loot! Average pocket money for the little hearties fell from 6.24 pounds a week in 2009 to 5.89. 5.89!? How much grog can you get for a lousy 5.89? Certainly not enough for fresh, pink lights and livers.

And in Russia, where pirates drink vodka with their limes, the local constabulary’s shanghaied a debting lass’s Shar Peis! What’s next? Marooning malamutes? Lashing labradors? Keelhauling koolies? Wenching Welsh corgis?

The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

This country has enemies–there’s no secret about that. But there is one enemy America has had as long as it has existed. I am speaking of course, about England.

Sure, we are now great allies and enjoy a special diplomatic relationship with our former mother country, but just like with a great friendship, everyone has their spats. For most of the world, it’s easy to hate the English, because they have colonized, waged war against, or simply subjugated for centuries.

So when the U.S. soccer team played England on Saturday, I, like so many other Americans, watched my first soccer game, and pretended I was excited about it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cashback’

British filmmaker Sean Ellis turned his 2004 short film, Cashback, into an indie feature of the same name in 2006, and his expansion of an intriguing premise turns out to be a moving exploration of the universal need for human connection.

His daily life refracted through a magical realism inspired by creative artistic viewpoint, protagonist Ben believes he has gained special powers of observation. But ultimately his particular carnival ride through the landscape of romance teaches him far more about the salvation possible in human relationships than what can be gained or protected by avoiding them.

I only just recently discovered this movie on my own, and for that, I feel shamed. It is THE emo-drama movie for guys. Why? Because we’ve been there before. Also, it’s got boobers, which is always a good thing. I don’t really know what it was about the synopsis of Cashback that made me want to put it in my Netflix queue. Even now, when I go back to reread the synopsis, there’s nothing that jumps out at me. Whatever it was, I’m glad it caught my eye because this is a gem of a film. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cashback’

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, SeriouslyGuys.com columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!“

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

All of your friends are probably doing it, too.Ever since adults picked up literacy from their kids, the world has been divided into two types of people:

  1. Those who read Harry Potter and tragically admit to it
  2. Those who read Harry Potter and hide it behind protesting too much

Let me clarify. There’s nothing wrong with reading Harry Potter and watching the movies and maybe even dressing up every once in a while (if you’re hot). Though the wheel may be squeaky, the real problem isn’t adults.

It’s not even witchcraft, morally-ambiguous elf slavery or alcoholism. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The real ‘Harry Potter’ threat

Guest Post: Miss South Carolina on the heart

After several stories on the Miss California USA saga and on the heels of her appearance on Tosh.0, Lauren Caitlin Upton — the former Miss Teen South Carolina USA — agreed to write a guest post for SeriouslyGuys. Her topic is on the latest startling medical news that more than half of Britons cannot identify the heart on a diagram of the human body and 70 percent cannot identify the lungs.

She may be also teasing the British for their smiles.I personally believe that U.K. British … are unable to do so because, uh, some … people out there, in their nation, don’t have anatomy charts.

And, uh … I believe that their education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as …

And I believe they should, uh … their education over there, in the U.K., should help the U.K. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and Asian countries so they will be able to build their future … for them.

Thank you, South Carolina.

What’s the policy on presidential regifting?

You ever have one of those friends you hate during gift-giving holidays? You know, the one that goes overboard finding the most elaborate, fitting gift that you could never top?

Obama does.

The President bought what many would consider an adequate gift for visiting Prime Minister Gordon Brown: a uniquely commissioned collection of 25 great American movies on DVD. Nice.

Brown brought:

  • “a pen holder fashioned from the oak timber of HMS Gannet, a Navy vessel that served on anti-slavery missions off Africa.”
  • “a framed commissioning paper for the HMS Resolute, a Royal Navy ship that came to symbolize British-American goodwill when it was rescued by the U.S. from icebergs and given to Queen Victoria,” sister ship of the HMS Gannet.
  • “a first edition of Martin Gilbert’s seven-volume biography of Winston Churchill, whose World War II partnership with President Franklin Roosevelt symbolized the U.S.-Anglo alliance.”

Jeez. That’s a creepy, yet heartwarming, mixtape-and-a-half there: “In honor of visiting the first black President of the United States, here’s a reminder about slavery … which my country opposed … eventually, but slightly before yours.” Also: “Did you know that spiders mate for life (more or less)?”

Now that President Obama has a better idea of what kind of crazy elaborate presents to expect from Brown, maybe he’ll throw in a bag of his favorite flavor of popcorn.*

*A.K.A. the classic “Movie Night In A Box,” the cheapest ploy for sex on your couch.

First Mexico, now England rattles anti-emo sabre

England is waking up to realize a menace is upon them. “A sinister cult,” as The Daily Mail puts it, obsessed with self-harm and suicide. A threat that America has just about wedgied out of existence and that Mexico put to the lash.

We are speaking, of course, about emos.

Now, this article doesn’t guarantee action, but it is the first step towards British involvement:

  1. Point at someone and say, “Wot is this all about?”
  2. Remind that person that they are British: “Stand up now, Guvnah. You’re British.”
  3. If they are not, in fact, British, condemn them: “Now that’s downright bawmy. Away with you, you little bugger.”
  4. When words fail, fetch a “Constable” or perhaps “engage in some fisticuffs.”

The empire is just about poised to strike back … at sad little teenagers.

Less filling, still tastes like booze

Drinking is a lot like working out: the more you do it, the better your body image gets, which leads to improved confidence, beer pong agility and endurance to work out drink more.

It’s no wonder then that British ladies have applied this principle to their diets.  Called “drunkorexia,” these ladies skip meals to drink more.

The Institute of Psychiatry in London claims that they do this to lose weight.  What these experts don’t realize is that, by eating less, the booze takes stronger effect.  After all, you don’t eat a turkey dinner before running a marathon, right?

In related news, British women are pressured to drink more:

“With pressure on young women to drink but also remain slim, many are now swapping dinner for a large glass or two of wine” (emphasis ours).