Sticking up for your penis

Just like California Gov. Jerry Brown, The Guys would like to assure you that your penis is on our minds. And by that, we mean penis health in general.

We all know that cheating increases the risk giving your partner a scorching, dripping case of the Mondays. But, did you know that you can break your dick?

This is the subject of the most important academic paper you will ever read to your penis, just to warn it that, while it’s right about your coworkers being very attractive, it’s better to just Google porn stars that look like them later in the comfort of your masturbatorium.

Sex in uncomfortable positions and locations, such as in the office or a car, can potentially break your tunica albugineathe “bone” in your boner. Or, a better way to define these places? Anywhere your regularly scheduled sex partner isn’t.

One jive turkey indeed

We’ve long overlooked the turkey in the War on Animals. We serve their legs at Renn Faires, grind them up for low-fat meatballs and even tease them with one Presidential pardon a year for Thanksgiving.

It is our complacency that has led turkeys to embrace terrorist tactics. Unable to fight with us directly, they have resorted to the first of what may be many suicide attacks on government buildings. In their first attack, one flew into the window of a Lubbock county courthouse.

If we can pardon them, then we can try them in military tribunals. We recommend bringing General Butterball — and possibly Colonel Sanders in the event of a chicken insurgency — to the Pentagon immediately.