The McBournie Minute: Candidates for the next pope

Take this job and shove it. Pope Benedict XVI didn’t exactly quote Johnny Paycheck, but that’s the gist of it. The pope is resigning from his job, one that you typically only leave when they carry you out in a casket. But, citing ill health, the soon-to-be former Pope Benedict announced he was stepping down, which is apparently something you can do. It’s like being on the U.S. Supreme Court, only with fewer pro-lifers protesting outside your building.

The world hasn’t seen the resignation of a pope since Gregory XII in 1415, but that was under completely different circumstances. At that time, there were three different claimants to the papal hat, and three different sets of cardinals that elected them. Gregory’s resignation helped to end the Western Schism, which is likely also the name of a band that opened for Radiohead. This time, the pope, 85, just wants to live out the rest of his days without all the robes.

Benedict’s resignation means that we will have a new pope by Easter. Who will be the next pope? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Candidates for the next pope

Science still trying to figure out Chuck Berry

Bruce Springsteen may make you think that he’s there for the working class man. Jon Bon Jovi may have you think that the man is an outlaw with a heart of gold. Jack White would you have believe that you can play any instrument as long as you try and stay funky. John Mayer wants to you to see him as a sexual object made for the pleasure of women around the world. Joan Jett needs you to believe in the power of women and rocking out! You know what all of these people don’t have you thinking?

That not being white is the bee’s knees.

At least, that’s what science is telling us now. According to a study coming from the University of Minnesota, rock music makes people racist, in regards to preference.

After listening to Bruce Springsteen and the White Stripes, the students handed most of the money to white people. ‘Rock music is generally associated with white Americans, so we believe it cues white listeners to think about their positive association with their own in-group,’ said Heather LaMarre, an assistant professor of journalism and mass communication at the University of Minnesota. That was enough for them to show more support for a student group representing mostly whites.’

The Roots and the spectre of Chuck Berry’s meter long king kong ding dong could not be available for questions.

The McBournie Minute: What’s wrong with our fragile rockers?

In case you’re skimming through this, that’s “fragile rockers,” not “Fraggle Rockers.” I will discuss the medical issues of Gobo and the gang in a column some time in the future.

As many of you now already know, we lost Ronnie James Dio yesterday. He died of stomach cancer, surrounded by friends and of course, lots of fake blood. His death brings a sobering moment to us all, especially the metal community, who are among the most conscious of mortuary affairs of all musicians.

What his death points out is something very important: our rock singers are not as flawless and ageless as they would have us believe. No, they are mere mortals, blessed with the ability to rock us. What can we do to save them? There’s no easy answer. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: What’s wrong with our fragile rockers?

The McBournie Minute: Tainted celebrity love

Oh my god! Did you see it? Sacha Baron Cohen totally landed his bare ass on Eminem during the MTV Movie Awards last night! It was totally real, too. Because you could clearly see Eminem’s bodyguards hesitate while their boss got a man-ass shot.

Yeah, that stunt was staged. You don’t have someone fall from the ceiling with an exposed behind at an awards show and not have several dozen people know about it ahead of time. It’s called the Howard Stern theory of comic nudity. Stunts take a lot of time to plan out, and you need to get everyone to sign off on the safety side of things, too. You don’t want famous people getting hurt, now do you?

Let’s also keep in mind that nothing, repeat, nothing spontaneous happens on an MTV awards show anymore. They pretty much did away with that after the dude from Rage Against the Machine climbed up on the set of the MTV Music Awards when the Wayans brothers hosted. It truly was the only thing notable about that installment. Let’s get past the fact that naked butts on award shows have been done several times, let’s ignore the fact that we’ve seen Cohen put his crotch in a man’s face before. The real issue here is that celebrity crotches are out of control. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tainted celebrity love

Take it from Snee: The State of Cool Address

Good evening, my fellow Internet users.

It my duty as the coolest person on the Internet to report every so often on the state of cool: that is, what is cool, what is no longer cool, threats to coolness and cool programs I am spearheading to keep our collective pimp hand strong.

As we approach 2009, we have reached a crucial focal point for what is cool. Environmentalism, economics and the downfall of Hot Topic raise many questions in the cool person’s mind. In these uncertain times, we shall work together to lift a few select individuals above the crowd. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The State of Cool Address