World is drinking less, despite Guys’ best efforts

We can’t do this alone, people.

Global alcohol sales were down 1.3% last year, and no one knows why. The world economy has been improving, and global gross domestic product was up 3.1%, which should mean that people around the world have the cash to go boozing, but they just aren’t.

It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.

The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.

Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.

You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

Do you hate your friends enough to buy them a beer?

Then you can go home make a candle out of it, and weep for your lost dignity.
Then you can go home make a candle out of it, and weep for your lost dignity.

Remember back when Facebook had the “poke” feature? You could click the button on someone’s profile, and the next time they logged in, it would let them know that you poked them. Hours of fun!

Anheuser-Busch is taking all the fun of the poke and combining it with bros icing bros. If you live in Chicago or Denver, you can now send someone a voucher for a free Bud Light via Facebook. The genius of the prank is that it’s twofold. First, you end up hating your friend for suggesting you like terrible beer, then it wears you down, say after day, until you get desperate enough that to take that voucher to your local bar and humiliate yourself by turning it in.

Finally, you wallow in shame for what you’ve done as you nurse your free beer.

You Missed It: Seasick edition

"I don't remember eating that."
“I don’t remember eating that.”

It’s finally here. The Super Bowl. It’s probably the best example of where American culture is, far more than those award shows. Everything’s America-tastic, from the National Anthem, to the commercials, to the crappy halftime shows, to the fact that only rich people can afford to go. Oh, and football is pretty American, too. This must be what the rest of the world feels like during one of those big soccer championship tournaments that seem to happen every five weeks. If you were busy abandoning your car on an Atlanta highway this week, odds are you missed it.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It’s was not a good week to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship, it was the norovirus. We imagine a sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, let’s hope the Bud Light cruise ship going to the Super Bowl is next.

State of Effusion
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, in which he laid out a bunch of things he wants to do this year, but Congress almost certainly won’t let him. He also threatened to veto any bill with provisions that could disrupt international talks with Iran regarding its nuclear program. Then he signed a bunch of things lawmakers handed him as he left the room. How does he know someone didn’t have him sign just such a bill?

The saddest rover in the solar system
China’s “Jade Rabbit” lunar rover had barely begun exploring the moon before it started having technical problems. The difficulties had to be put on hold when Chinese scientists put the rover in hibernation for the 14-day lunar night, and they’re not sure if it will wake up. Chinese media reported the rover actually saying before it was shut down, “If this journey must come to an early end, I am not afraid. Whether or not the repairs are successful, I believe even my malfunctions will provide my masters with valuable information and experience.” Just goes to show, you can’t spell “the moon” without “emo.”

The McBournie Minute: The most annoying pre-Super Bowl ads

One of the worst things about our civilization is advertising. It’s been around pretty much as long as humanity has. It’s supposed to be eye-catching first and informative second, but today, it’s really just more annoying than anything. Perhaps because we see them over and over again.

I’m known for yelling at my TV, sober or not, because I don’t like being lied to and most commercials are terrible liars. The thing is, I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes. Critiquing commercials is apparently a weird hobby of mine, and since I’ve been watching a lot of football, I’ve seen a lot of the same crap commercials. They aren’t even Super Bowl commercials.

So here are the commercials that are annoying the crap out of me right now. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The most annoying pre-Super Bowl ads

Dead snakes can’t make Bud Light taste better

For the most part, The Guys are proudly beer snobs. Why not? If you’re going to get drunk, you might as well get drunk off of something that tastes good. That’s why we don’t care for most products from the Budweiser family.

We’re also animal snobs. They kicked off a war that they just can’t win, and frankly, the only good animal is a dead animal. Or a dead animal that we’re now consuming, preferably after it’s been slathered in barbecue sauce and roasted over an open flame.

That’s why we’re at a moral quandary regarding the case Marcus Forson. Forson found a dead snake in his case of beer. We’d normally be bothered by a snake attempting to contaminate our beer, but cheerful about it being dead; however, the beer in question is Bud Light. What’s even more concerning is that Forson was going to willingly serve Bud Light to party guests. Was this a party for his enemies?

You Missed It: There is no joy in Beantown edition

Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here. Anyway, if you were busy getting cash for your clunker, odds are you missed it.

How Papi got so big
There is no God. First Brady’s injury, now this. David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003, when both were playing for the Boston Red Sox and on their way to becoming legends in the city. Boston fans are surprised because they are naive. And since we’re going for disclosure here, I was on performance enhancing drugs during the 2004 playoffs, and so was Bryan Schools. The more we drank during the second half of the ALCS and World Series, the better they played.

We should try this with Israel and Palestine!
You may not have heard about this, but apparently a black Harvard professor was arrested by a white police officer and the issue became a little tense racially. Luckily, President Barack Obama knew just what to do in commenting on a topic that had nothing to do with him, thereby making it into a huge issue. Predictably, they settled it with booze They got together at the White House, invited “Crazy” Joe Biden over and drank away the awkwardness. The bad news is that Obama drinks Bud Light and Biden doesn’t even drink alcoholic beer.

You might be a terrorist if …
A North Carolina father and several others have been arrested and charged in relation to what police say was a “violent jihad” terror plot. Authorities say Daniel Patrick Boyd, a Muslim who sports a bowl cut, known in the Muslim world as “The Holy Hairstyle of the Prophet,” traveled to Pakistan to plan attacks on American soil. In other news, I have yet another reason not to go to a NASCAR race.