Maybe number 5, letter ‘p’ can foot CPB bill

Do you smell that? In the air? No, it’s not (just) leftover Astroglide from yesterday’s Valentine’s celebrations. It’s the aroma of pennies being saved and earned in this year’s round of budget cuts!

The President has his plan, but Republicans have theirs; and theirs includes killing Sesame Street or at least forcing the simpler speaking Muppets into a voucher program. House Republicans want PBS, and NPR, off the government dole for what they perceive as over 40 years of unchecked liberal picture-moving.

You know what? They’re kind of right. PBS never really went out of their way to program shows that pander to conservatives. Maybe tax dollars shouldn’t help fund their programming if they ignore half of the political population.

And, so long as we’re trimming the politically-biased fat off of our pork, then perhaps it’s also time to eliminate churches’ tax-free status. After all, they cater almost exclusively to conservatives and even tell their donors how to vote.

McCain: Money doesn’t grow on trees, etc.

Nation, we’re a country with no thrift. You see it every-dang-day as we spend hard-earned money on whatsits, like iPods and corned beef. (What’s wrong with regular-old cornless beef?)

It’s at this time that we need something — or rather someone — to kick us in the butt and nip this egregious spending spree in the bud. That something — or someone — is John McCain.

As a proud papa, McCain pledges the following in his plan to balance the budget by 2013:

  • Turn off that light. Are you still in the bathroom? No? Then turn it off.
  • Close the G.D. refrigerator door. We’re not refrigerating the entire world. Besides, you’re getting kind of fat, anyway.
  • Take care of your shoes. You don’t need new boots. Do you know when John bought his? 1946. You know how they’ve lasted so long? He polishes them and gets them resoled.
  • No unnecessary travel. Wait, we spent how much to send you to Iraq? And now you want to come back after only five years? John doesn’t think so. Traveling home costs money — money we don’t have.