Got big weekend plans? Whatever you do, do not grab some Buds. You may wind up in the hospital.
According to researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, if you wind up in the emergency room after drinking, it’s very likely that you were drinking Budweiser. By drinking Bud Light, you only slightly decrease your chances. In fact, those are the only regular beers that will do that to you, because the next most common injury-related swills were Steel Reserve, Colt 45, Bud Ice (all malt liquors) and Barton’s vodka, which is probably rotgut.
What is it about Budweiser that causes its drinkers to injure themselves? Legend has it that every time Anheuser-Busch put a regional brewery out of business in the mid-20th century, its owners would put a hex on the growing beer monstrosity. Now, the souls of those breweries have come back to exact their revenge on Budweiser drinkers. Not even a clydesdale can help you outrun your fate.
It’s done. It’s over. Longer than the battle between the greys and the blues, the battle between the alliterators and the consonators, even the fight of the mongoose versus the cobra, the war between Anheuser-Busch and Budejovicky Budvar is done. The General Court of the European Union didn’t even bother ruling in favor of Anheuser-Busch, simply dismissing the claim made by Budejovicky Budvar. It’s an easy victory for AB InBev, but even better, it’s a very cheap victory.
Once again, hey Anheuser, why don’tcha think about putting a few sheckles of what would’ve been the legal costs toward a better beer, huh?
Oh sure, Anheuser-Busch and Budejovicky Budvar may be fighting over the name of Budweiser, but wouldn’t it behoove Anheuser-Busch to put that focus into a better beer instead?
The Guys don’t think it’s absurd to state that clearly, animals are now on one big public relations tour. First, it was the shark that somehow didn’t try to eat a sea-stranded man (he must not have looked like Samuel L. Jackson). And now? Now, there are horses that deliver beer to you.
Okay, so we should probably reword that some. The horses in question, the Budweiser Clydesdale horses, don’t just deliver beer at the drop of a hat. Instead, they made a stop in Massachusetts last week to drop off a prize that a man won in a contest. Which is neat, seeing incredibly strong enemies of ours in this war forced to bend to our whims.
But the prize was a case of beer. Budweiser beer. It’s quite literally the case of win some, lose some.
It’s the week of the Super Bowl, which translates into a week of hype.
- Will Bret Favre congratulate Aaron Rodgers if he wins?!
- Does another championship ring make up Ben Roethlisberger’s off-season indiscretions?! (If he does it again this year, does he have to win another Super Bowl to avoid jail time, or will a mere playoff appearance do?)
- Will the defense of either team show up this week?!
- Which company will put out the commercial of the year?!
If you asked number four, then congratulations: you’re an idiot. If you’re paid to answer number 4, then you are a hack and should be forced to wear a frilly dress the next time you go to a bar with more than one television on the wall.
What’s that? You don’t think that assessment is fair? Read on to find out why you’re a tool, chump. Continue reading
There is a lot of scary news out there today, and the positive spin is coming from that liberal bastion of print media, USA Today.
First off, a unicorn has been found in Italy. OK, well not a real unicorn, because it’s a deer. However, it does indeed have a horn in the middle of its head. No picture is available, but an artist’s rendering makes it look nothing short of frightening.
Remember, the unicorn was smote by God himself for being too damn stubborn to get on a boat with all the other animals when the floods came. The existence of a unicorn today is blasphemous and clear sign that the animals are not only at war with us, but God, too.
Scientists in Indonesia have found macaque monkeys that have learned how to fish. Folks, this is way too human-like. Pretty soon, people are going to start saying we might be somehow related to these creatures. Though it was discovered these monkeys learned how to fish, what was more shocking was that they were also wearing sleeveless shirts and drinking Budweiser.
Lawmakers know what’s really important to the public. They know why people elected them: because the people need someone to speak out on the big issues for them. One such issue is beer.
A Missouri state lawmaker wants to make Budweiser the official state beer. Because when you think the best beer an entire state can muster up, you turn to the bland, over-carbonated taste of Budweiser.
“‘We’ve got a state dinosaur, a state frog, a state reptile, a state flower, a state nut, but no one has given a thought to a company that’s been in Missouri for many, many years and is bringing prosperity to our state and manufacturing a product in our state that many people enjoy,’ Dougherty said.”
In other news, Missouri is looking to change its slogan to “Great Taste, Less Filling.”