It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.
The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.
Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.
If anyone owes alcohol for their entire purpose, it’s Uber. Before Uber, we used to actually choose some unfortunate human sacrifice to nurse a beer all night, endure all of our drunken antics and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, drive our drunk asses home. Or, more often than not, we’d take a cab — but what’s the fun of riding in an appropriately licensed capacity van when you can dogpile into the back of some rando’s Nissan Sentra?
So, it’s no surprise that Uber would lead the charge to make robots not only drive us to booze, but to drive booze to us.
Uber-owned robotics company, Otto, just delivered 2,000 cases of Budweiser in a robotically self-driven semi truck pulling a 53-foot trailer. The robotic tractor-trailer traveled 120 miles with no human assistance, just an observer for safety and tracking.
We may have had our misgivings about robots in the past, but when they bring us a beer, then they can’t be that bad, right?
Superhero movies this summer, while mostly disappointing, all dealt with whether vigilantes with superpowers should be held accountable and controlled by society. So it’s fitting that this is now a real-world issue.
In upstate New York, a man in a Batman costume and a Captain America mask stole a couple cases of Budweiser (“America”) from a convenience store. Because when you have a superhero thirst, one case just isn’t going to do it. Was this Batman? Was this Captain America? Or was this a clever commentary on how superhero movies have devolved into two-hour-long beer commercials? Who can save us from this menace?
One thing we do know: the runs won’t just be in the tights.
Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.
As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.
Got big weekend plans? Whatever you do, do not grab some Buds. You may wind up in the hospital.
According to researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, if you wind up in the emergency room after drinking, it’s very likely that you were drinking Budweiser. By drinking Bud Light, you only slightly decrease your chances. In fact, those are the only regular beers that will do that to you, because the next most common injury-related swills were Steel Reserve, Colt 45, Bud Ice (all malt liquors) and Barton’s vodka, which is probably rotgut.
What is it about Budweiser that causes its drinkers to injure themselves? Legend has it that every time Anheuser-Busch put a regional brewery out of business in the mid-20th century, its owners would put a hex on the growing beer monstrosity. Now, the souls of those breweries have come back to exact their revenge on Budweiser drinkers. Not even a clydesdale can help you outrun your fate.
It’s the week of the Super Bowl, which translates into a week of hype.
Will Bret Favre congratulate Aaron Rodgers if he wins?!
Does another championship ring make up Ben Roethlisberger’s off-season indiscretions?! (If he does it again this year, does he have to win another Super Bowl to avoid jail time, or will a mere playoff appearance do?)
Will the defense of either team show up this week?!
Which company will put out the commercial of the year?!
If you asked number four, then congratulations: you’re an idiot. If you’re paid to answer number 4, then you are a hack and should be forced to wear a frilly dress the next time you go to a bar with more than one television on the wall.
Remember, the unicorn was smote by God himself for being too damn stubborn to get on a boat with all the other animals when the floods came. The existence of a unicorn today is blasphemous and clear sign that the animals are not only at war with us, but God, too.
Scientists in Indonesia have found macaque monkeys that have learned how to fish. Folks, this is way too human-like. Pretty soon, people are going to start saying we might be somehow related to these creatures. Though it was discovered these monkeys learned how to fish, what was more shocking was that they were also wearing sleeveless shirts and drinking Budweiser.