More loose cannon kids on the beat

Suggested listening while reading:
[dewplayer:http://seriouslyguys.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Starsky-And-Hutch.mp3]

Wuitschick! And you, Undercover Kindergartener! In our office! Shut the door behind you!

Wuitschick, are we to understand that you temporally took the wheel of a bus when you are clearly 13-years-old and don’t even have a learner’s permit!? You might have some pull with the deputy schools superintendent, the chief of police and the Los Angeles Times, but if we catch you even smelling a gas pedal, we’ll bust you back to crossing guard so fast that you’ll think Dennis Hopper rigged the order to explode. We don’t care if the driver was having a heart attack!

And you, Undercover Kindergartner! We’ve got the D.A. and Internal Affairs snooping around to see if you planted evidence on your stepdad. Heroin at show-and-tell? That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re getting sloppy, U.K., and one of these days, you’re gonna screw up so bad that there won’t be enough butterflies to counteract the s@#tstorm that will come of it!

(It’s the butterfly theory. You see, every major storm system begins with the fla — you know what? Ask your teacher. That is if you haven’t busted her in a student sex sting.)

Maybe it was a mistake for The Guys to create a police force consisting entirely of children. God knows we don’t get much sleep thinking about what you reckless loose cannons have been doing out there, masquerading as justice. But, dammit … we can’t argue with your results. Get back out there, and if you see Johnson and Cotton, send them in.

Swimming with the bulls

Should we start a Copy of the Day award? Because we have a humdinger of a winner:

“A spill of frozen bull semen bound for a breeder in the state of Texas triggered a scare on Tuesday that temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway during the morning rush hour.

“The incident began when the driver of a Greyhound bus carrying the freight alerted the fire department he had lost a part of his load while negotiating the ramp on a highway near Nashville.”

But, wait! There’s a Quote of the Day, too:

“‘It was no different to us than if a mattress fell off a truck,’ said transportation spokeswoman B.J. Doughty.”

If you think this story is bulls#&t, you’d be wrong.

God forbid they party in their huge homes

Sean “Muppet Nickname” Combs is a fine humanitarian who has watched the news and discovered a solution that will make the world a better, safer place.

(By “news,” we mean TMZ, and by “the world,” we mean drunk celebrities.)

Whatever he’s calling himself this week (Doody?), he’s taken reinventing the wheel to a whole new level: “launching a car service to drive drunk celebrities home.”  Thank Christ for Drappy, because it’s about time someone replaced limos, taxis, busses and poor people’s Honda Accords.