In SeriouslyGuys’ ongoing coverage of the War on Animals, we’re guilty of focusing on the obvious enemies — typically bears and sharks. Those stories are sexy, with large animals that can easily crush a human between their jaws. But, we ignore the most insidious animals at our own peril.
For instance: this spider that caused a major car accident. It revealed itself inside of a woman’s car, just when she was about to pull out of the driveway. She jumped out of the moving vehicle while her nine-year-old son attempted to stop the car. He hit the gas instead of the brakes, and their car hit a school bus.
All-in-all, the spider was a failure. The boy only received minor head injuries, no one else was hurt and the world has one less Dodge Avenger to service every six miles for engine failure. And, if you think the mother overreacted, The Guys ask you: what is the resale value of a car once you know that a spider’s been in it? Nope dollars. That’s basic Kelley Blue Book, people.
Suggested listening while reading:
Wuitschick! And you, Undercover Kindergartener! In our office! Shut the door behind you!
Wuitschick, are we to understand that you temporally took the wheel of a bus when you are clearly 13-years-old and don’t even have a learner’s permit!? You might have some pull with the deputy schools superintendent, the chief of police and the Los Angeles Times, but if we catch you even smelling a gas pedal, we’ll bust you back to crossing guard so fast that you’ll think Dennis Hopper rigged the order to explode. We don’t care if the driver was having a heart attack!
And you, Undercover Kindergartner! We’ve got the D.A. and Internal Affairs snooping around to see if you planted evidence on your stepdad. Heroin at show-and-tell? That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re getting sloppy, U.K., and one of these days, you’re gonna screw up so bad that there won’t be enough butterflies to counteract the s@#tstorm that will come of it!
(It’s the butterfly theory. You see, every major storm system begins with the fla — you know what?Ask your teacher. That is if you haven’t busted her in a student sex sting.)
Maybe it was a mistake for The Guys to create a police force consisting entirely of children. God knows we don’t get much sleep thinking about what you reckless loose cannons have been doing out there, masquerading as justice. But, dammit … we can’t argue with your results. Get back out there, and if you see Johnson and Cotton, send them in.
Sean “Muppet Nickname” Combs is a fine humanitarian who has watched the news and discovered a solution that will make the world a better, safer place.
(By “news,” we mean TMZ, and by “the world,” we mean drunk celebrities.)
Whatever he’s calling himself this week (Doody?), he’s taken reinventing the wheel to a whole new level: “launching a car service to drive drunk celebrities home.” Thank Christ for Drappy, because it’s about time someone replaced limos, taxis, busses and poor people’s Honda Accords.