Heck of a job, Dubya

Former President George W. Bush just responded to Kanye West’s infamous 2005 accusation that “Bush doesn’t care about black people” in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Bush took it right to Kanye, via the “Today” show, five years later, saying that he “didn’t appreciate it.”

West’s original statement criticized Bush’s slow response time.

Miss him, yet?

(You can tell we do.)

You wouldn’t think 9/11 is news …

… but despite the country song about Afghanistan Iraq Iran Yemen, some prominent Republicans have forgotten.

So, to help Dana Perino and now Rudy “9/11” Giuliani have a new story to react to, SeriouslyGuys is posting the following news announcement:

Terrorists attacked three important U.S. landmarks with hijacked commercial aircraft: the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and Pennsylvania grassland on September 11, 2001 under President George W. Bush and New York City Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani.

Shortly thereafter, anthrax was found in the mail, addressed to the Toms Daschle and Brokaw. This was also called by then-President Bush a terrorist attack.

And in December of that same year, Richard Reid tried to bomb American Airlines Flight 63 with his shoes. He was found guilty of eight counts of terrorism-related charges and declared himself an agent of al-Qaeda in 2003. Bush was reelected to the presidency in 2004 and served an additional four years.

So, try to remember this time. We would’ve used the “Too Soon?” tag, but–based on your memory–apparently it isn’t.

You Missed It: Out come the idiots edition

It’s Friday, and it’s June. It is June, right? OK, good. I am still recovering from a wild weekend. I know, five days is a long time to recover, but man, it was a good time. If you were busy checking out of the hospital after being treated for exhaustion, odds are you missed it.

Now if we can just link this to Bush
Air France Flight 447 crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Paris from Rio. Everyone died. No wreckage has been found. Actually, only an oil slick has been discovered at this point. The cause of the crash may never actually be known. In other news, 9/11 conspiracy theorists have a new hobby ahead of them.

See! He really is one of them!
Addressing fellow Muslims in Cairo, Egypt this week, President Barack Obama quoted both the Koran and the Bible, while he said it was time for the U.S. and the Islamic world to mend the fences. He also said it was time for Israel to stop settling on the West Bank. This upset Israelis, because difference between the East Bank and the West Bank is like that of West and East Hampton.

Even the mustache is smiling
Randy Johnson got his 300th career win, but that’s really not anything special, because it was against the Washington Nationals, who do not technically play baseball according to modern definitions. But still, the Big Unit got to the 300 mark, making him likely the last person to reach that milestone. He also leads the league in lifetime struck birds.

Sean Hannity interviewed Rush Limbaugh on is FOX News show this week. No one asked questions, they just agreed that they are right about everything.

‘When Shwag Attacks,’ tonight on FOX!

We’ve made our position very clear on this Web site: we do not tolerate pets. They’re either animals, which is fraternizing with the enemy, or rocks, which are stupid.

But what about Chia Pets? They’re plants, so they require water and loud metal music to thrive like humans, and they mock animals by growing luxurious manes that produce oxygen. Sounds good, right?

Unfortunately, Cha-cha-cha-Chia Pets are ra-ra-ra-racist.

In the modern debate over what symbols are racist when addressed at the first African-American serving as President of the United States, Walgreen’s has decided that it is not acceptable to grow a green ‘fro on Barack Obama’s head.

We’re waiting for ChiaObama.com to respond that “it wasn’t racist when liberals bought Mattel’s Barbie Magic Bush-trimming Boutique.”

(Courtesy of Jen S.)

‘We have a big problem’

Nearly five months ago to this day, former President George Bush said those exact words in regards to a need for the $700 billion bailout package.

George Bush was a soothsayer. Nay, an oracle of wisdom.

Clearly, we never truly understood what he said. Sure, he didn’t make a lot of sense at times, what with his talks regarding fish, families and the sea, but we should have paid more attention to him. Everything he said regarding those items? He was simply portending the future.

The enemy has arrived, and it is large. And poisonous.

A monstrous freshwater stingray weighing in at 772 pounds was recently caught in Thailand. Ian Welch, a courageous angler from Britain was simply minding his own business, attempting to tag the stingrays (probably to help our war efforts, no doubt), when the gigantic fish attempted to kill the man. The horror!

Through the valiant efforts of Welch and twelve other men, the beast was caught. Unfortunately, the terror doesn’t end there. Research put the creature at being only a year and a half old. That’s right: it could get bigger.

What’s even scarier is that it’s back on the loose again! For some rhyme or reason, the monster was released back into the river. The stingray’s probably got some sort of nefarious mind-controlling powers, I’d say.

So really, what’s our one true problem? We’re gonna need some really big slices of bread.

We’re angry at Barack Obama

So, Mr. President-elect Barack FancyPants Obama: you announced there would be 20 positions in your cabinet. You’ve disappointed women because you only appointed five of those seats to women, the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

But, more egregiously, you appointed no (0) SeriouslyGuys to your cabinet, which is also the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

It’s not like we aren’t qualified or didn’t apply.

All we hoped (remember that word?) for was to take this country a step forward. Instead, you’ve taken shocking steps backwards. We guess our constituency does not matter to you.

What are YOU still doing here?

Like excited children on Christmas morning, the American people rushed into the Oval Office to find …

… George Bush still in it, probably doing a puzzle or something.

Disappointed, they promptly awarded him the all-time record of highest presidential disapproval rating of 76 percent for not being Obama.

This rates higher than even Richard Nixon’s 66 percent when he resigned from office because of Watergate. To be fair — he was hated by hippies, who can’t remember to stay angry at anyone.

He also beat out former record holder Harry S. Truman, who was despised by 67 percent of Americans in 1952 for forcing five-star General Douglas MacArthur to retire.

Bush’s ratings are expected to sink lower and lower each day he refuses to morph into President-elect Barack Obama. By January 19, 2009, it’ll be amazing if he hasn’t started wearing a mask.

Update (2:58 pm):

President Bush has attempted a new way to improve his rating: be seen with the cool new kid with the weird name. Hey, it worked in Ensino Man.

Take it from Snee: What this election really means

It is the dawn of a new day, a Wednesday, here in America, now that we have managed to elect a President for the 44th time in our history.

There were some among you who doubted it would happen — that the votes would be inconclusive because everyone voted for themselves. I am happy to say that this was not the case, and the nation will continue to have an executive branch for the next four years … despite everything that branch has done the past eight.

Of course, there are also some people who are trying to assign more meaning to this auspicious occasion than I’ve already mentioned above. They mean well, but — like most people who mean well — they are wrong. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What this election really means

Eat My Sports: Music edition

It hit me earlier this week, we need an overhaul. Basically for going on 20 years, we as an American sports nation have relied too heavily on the same songs, over and over and over and over and over and over again at our sporting events. Someone wins, you get Queen’s “We Are The Champions,” someone gets ejected or loses, it’s Steam’s “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye,” to get the crowd pumped up you play “Rock and Roll Part 2” by Gary Glitter, or, enter any of these: Continue reading Eat My Sports: Music edition

Coc–err, rock the vote

Attention politicians: Are you trying to figure out a way to get re-elected? Or are you looking for some way, any way, to boost your approval ratings before you leave office? You probably want to take the advice of the mayor of a Chilean town.

You may want to consider giving out free Viagra to the voters–this blog would suggest limiting it to the male population. Yes, Gonzalo Navarette, mayor of Lo Prado, is giving the penis pills to citizens of his town, provided a doctor can confirm that each man suffers from erectile dysfunction. Why is he doing this? Because an active sex life helps keep one healthy.

Insert a “poll” joke here.