Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

The best part of waking up

Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.

A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.

The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.