Remember how we warned you about Denmark’s sole Latino street gang, Four Loko, and their dangerous “stay up and puke juice?” It looks like you won’t be tempted by their wiley malt liquor wishes and cat food dreams after all.
The FDA has issued a warning to four companies, including the makers of Four Loko, giving them two weeks to remove either the caffeine or their stupid cans from our most extravagant convenience stores.
Some people are complaining that the FDA is turning this country into one giant nanny state. None of them, however, will admit to actually drinking the stuff.
Greetings, young readers! Do you like to stay up all night? And do you like to drink? Chances are pretty good that if you’ve ever attempted both, you couldn’t make it past Waffle House.
You might be tempted to try a caffeinated alcoholic beverage. Here’s three things we learned about that today:
- Caffeine should never contain more booze than a shot.
- Booze should never contain more caffeine than middle manager.
- You should never contain anything named after a 4-piece Swedish mariachi punk band.
Stick to the basics and you’ll never be embarrassed by neon sugary puke.
So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.
I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)
So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?
Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy