Study: Journalists’ brains don’t work good due to booze, caffeine

Journalists are all idiots, just ask your average Fox News viewer. In terms of popularity, journalists often poll lower than lawyers, but still ahead of members of Congress. Now, scientists believe they have figured out why reporters are so dumb.

According to a study, journalists’ brains are inhibited because they drink so much alcohol and caffeine. Neuroscientist Tara Swart found that their brains’ executive functioning skills were lower, which was attributed to dehydration (from alcohol), caffeine, and foods high in sugar. However, their brains were better able to spot patterns that weren’t immediately obvious.

Even the dumbest of journalists will point out that the study has not been peer-reviewed, and had a sample size of just 31. This drunken, jittery reporter is happy to donate his brain to science if there’s another round of tests.

You Missed It: Choke job edition

A bit on-the-nose, isn't it?
A bit on-the-nose, isn’t it?

October is the worst time to be an NFL fan. It’s the month your team spends looking like something Mike Huckabee wants to boycott. They have all their usual colors, but some pink accents here and there in honor of breast cancer awareness month. It’s also a well-documented that the NFL puts as much money toward breast cancer research as it does the effects of repetitive brain trauma. It’s a cheap reach to score some more female viewers and take some of their money. Don’t buy in to the NFL’s pink gear. Also, don’t get a Buccaneers jersey for any reason ever. If you were busy eating a Whopper with a black bun this week, odds are you missed it.

Grown man takes sport too seriously
The Washington Nationals began this season with high hopes, but fell apart as the year wore on. The season’s symbol came this week when pitcher Jonathan Papelbon yelled at Bryce Harper for not running to a base fast enough, even choking Harper when he got back to the dugout. In a veteran move, Papelbon only used his glove hand to choke the team’s star player.

Hurricane trumps Trump
This week, Hurricane Joaquin formed in the Caribbean, spreading fears that it would hit the U.S. East Coast after lashing the Bahamas. The concern grew so much that Donald Trump had to cancel a campaign stop in Virginia Beach, Virginia. In a time when mass shootings are a near-daily occurrence, it’s nice to get some good news.

Sleepy moms have a new choice
A company called Steem has begun selling peanut butter with a large dose of caffeine in it. The company said it can help people cut back on their coffee intake, while enjoying the bliss of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not to be outdone, Skippy will start putting speed in its peanut butter.

The best part of getting it up

"You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee."
“You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee.”

Most people claim that nothing happens before they have their daily coffee. And one of those things might be erections. And, no, we don’t mean construction work. We mean your penis.

Researchers from the University of Texas found a 42 percent reduction in erectile dysfunction in men who drank between 171mg and 303mg of caffeine a day, or roughly two cups of coffee.

So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.

Penis.

EEEEEEEEEE — slurp — eeeeee.

"I-I-I-I-I HEAR-EAR-EAR-EAR EVERYTHING-ING-ING-ING-ING-ING!
“I-I-I-I-I HEAR-EAR-EAR-EAR EVERYTHING-ING-ING-ING-ING-ING!”

Coffee does it again!

Researchers from Brigham and Women’s Hospital found that — out of 65,000 women between the ages of 30 and 44 — women were 15 percent less likely to develop tinnitus if they drank between 0.016 and 0.02 ounces a day of caffeine.

For those of you planning to play along at home, that equals about four to five cups of coffee a day. So, you can drown out that ringing in your ears, but only with the steady vibration of your entire nervous system.

Spunky dos, spunky don’ts and spunky cold medinas

"Oh s**t! Oh s**t! I hit something! Oh s**t! Why didn't I take a cab?!"
“Oh s**t! Oh s**t! I hit something! Oh s**t! Why didn’t I take a cab home?!”

The Guys being, well, guys, know better than anyone how important sperm count, morphology and motility is to men. They are, after all, the third, fourth and fifth factors by which we compare ourselves to competitors, right after penis length and pissing distance. (Note: penis length can be an unfair advantage in pissing contests, which is why urine streams are measured from the urethra to point of contact with the ground or objet d’piss.)

This importance is why it is with an ambivalent heart that we bring you the following results of four new studies on your manimals:

  • Good News: Countering previous research, caffeine itself does not affect your sperm! Holding a hot coffee cup between your legs, however, does.
  • Bad News: Bacon — and other processed meats — deforms your sperm, and while women love the Hunchback of Notre Dame as much as they love bacon, they still don’t want millions of Quasimodos or Oscar Meyers inside of them.
  • Good News: Alcohol doesn’t affect your sperm, either! And, since they’re not driving, there’s no reason to believe they pose a risk to other organs and cells on the way to the egg. (Just careers and bank accounts.)
  • Indifferent News: Exercise (except bike-riding) and fish also improve your sperm. So, that’s good news if you’re a weightlifter in Maine.

We’re calling this a wash.

Chug your coffee right now, thank us later

Coffee is pretty awesome. It’s definitely not as awesome as booze, but it’s up there. And it goes great with water the morning of your hangover. Now it turns out that coffee just might keep you from killing yourself.

We already knew that coffee could keep you from dying of cancer, but now researchers at Harvard University found in a study that adults who drank two to four cups of caffeinated coffee per day were 50% less likely to commit suicide than their friends who don’t drink coffee (the preachy ones), drink fewer than two cups per day (the lightweights) or drank decaffeinated coffee (the quitters).

Choosy constitutional scholars choose Four Loko battle

Remember how we warned you about Denmark’s sole Latino street gang, Four Loko, and their dangerous “stay up and puke juice?” It looks like you won’t be tempted by their wiley malt liquor wishes and cat food dreams after all.

The FDA has issued a warning to four companies, including the makers of Four Loko, giving them two weeks to remove either the caffeine or their stupid cans from our most extravagant convenience stores.

Some people are complaining that the FDA is turning this country into one giant nanny state. None of them, however, will admit to actually drinking the stuff.

Keep your scotch neat, nose clean

Greetings, young readers! Do you like to stay up all night? And do you like to drink? Chances are pretty good that if you’ve ever attempted both, you couldn’t make it past Waffle House.

You might be tempted to try a caffeinated alcoholic beverage. Here’s three things we learned about that today:

  1. Caffeine should never contain more booze than a shot.
  2. Booze should never contain more caffeine than middle manager.
  3. You should never contain anything named after a 4-piece Swedish mariachi punk band.

Stick to the basics and you’ll never be embarrassed by neon sugary puke.

Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.

I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)

So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?

Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy