Tag: calendar

Poland invents a box to keep your boners in


As we wait with baited breath to find out who will bring about the American apocalypse over the next four years, let’s distract ourselves with news from Poland.

Lindner, a Polish coffin company, has ruffled some Catholic feathers with their latest ad campaign, a calendar featuring topless models posing with their product line. The Church has condemned the calendar, saying that, “Human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex.” This is a departure from Catholicism’s usual position that there is nothing they can’t associate with sex, like employment, medicine and child care.

Zbigniew Lindner, the firm’s owner, has his own idea: “We wanted to show that a coffin isn’t a religious symbol. Its a product. Why are people afraid of coffins and not of business suits, cosmetics or jewelry?”

Amen, Mr. Lindner. Because nothing gets a younger woman hotter than primo taste in coffins. You know, if you’re a rich, 90-year-old oil baron.

These times, they be unchangin’

Science strikes another blow against industry, this time at that calendar store in the middle of the mall between the Sunglass Hut and the Dead Sea Salt pushers! Astrophysicist Richard Conn Henry and applied economist Steve Hanke have devised a calendar that simplifies the year so that each date will always fall on the same day of the week. Imagine:

  • MLB’s Opening Day always the same day of the year (barring any labor disputes)!
  • Hanukkah remaining a wild card that could happen anytime, while Christmas follows the yearly rigmarole, Sunday, December 25th, every year. *sigh*
  • Arbor Day — whenever the f@%k that is, only scheduled!

Yes, indeed, they’ve simplified it. No more counting months on your knuckles to figure out which months have 31 days. Now it’s every third month! And Leap Year? Forget about it. No more February 29th every four years! Instead, they’ll merely add an entirely unaccounted-for week at the end every fifth or sixth December.

Say goodbye to confusion (except when you’re trying to fill a mystery week that may be this year or next year), and say hello to having to justify buying a new calendar when last year’s Playmates are perfectly fine … just old.

A Hollywood pagan calendar update

For those of you readers using the pagan calendar, it is officially time to burn down California again.

This is a four-month long ritual, during which time C- and D-grade celebrities and their unfortunate neighbors sacrifice their homes for a profitable blockbuster movie season.

We’ll see you in September when the Festival of New Television Episodes commences.

Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

Or, 25 Things About Me

I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?

Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)

So, as a service to you readers (especially the angry ones), here are 25 things about me: Continue reading Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy