You Missed It: End of 2017 edition

There’s no other way to get through this.

Remember when it was a running joke that 2016 was the worst year ever? That was a great year compared to 2017. “Oh no, some famous people died, 2016 sucks!” It’s like 2017 heard our complaining and decided to show us what a bad year really looks like. The good news is that there’s no reason 2018 won’t be even worse. So this right now is as good as it gets. This year we were all a distracted boyfriend. We thought fidget spinners were the best and worst thing ever at the same time. We gave out the wrong Oscar for best picture. We all looked at the eclipse with special glasses — except for one guy. We punched Nazis. We ended the careers of creepy men. We debated the meaning of “covfefe.” It was the year of the clown, from Donald Trump to the remake of It. There were huge fires and massive hurricanes. There were threats of nuclear war. Let’s double-tap this awful year with a final look back. Fill up your glass and take a deep breath.

January

Going for gold
Days before the inauguration, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. We didn’t realize how serious SeaWorld was about retiring those whales.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

February

Trump vs. Australia
President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. It was the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cell phones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines after a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

March

Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continued to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale were just family friends.

Police get a win for Brady
Authorities announced that they found the stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years earlier. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.

Not to mention that candlestick was oozing sex
The live-action Beauty and the Beast opened in theaters to rave reviews of women who remember the 90s. The movie faced a boycott from conservative Christian mothers who didn’t like that there was a gay character in the movie. They said that a kid’s movie about Stockholm syndrome and a bunch of enchanted household objects trying to get their buffalo-man boss laid is one thing, but a gay person is going too far.

April

White girl solves racism
Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general that it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.

For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.

It’s never OK to joke about suicide
Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.

May

You’ve got worms
The WannaCry worm infected computers around the world. Called ransomware, the worm held the hard drives of infected Windows computers for ransom, demanding payment in Bitcoin. It struck hundreds of thousands of computers in 150 countries, and led to hundreds of thousands of wives questioning what websites their husbands visit when they’re not home.

Trump creates job opening
President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey over his investigation of connections between Trump campaign officials and Russian agents and hacking the Democratic National Committee’s emails in 2016. It was a decision that would in no way come back to haunt him.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

June

‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hit theaters. Critics answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news was that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving the Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?

The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.

The sexual assault trial of actor Bill Cosby was declared a mistrial after the jury remained deadlocked on reaching a verdict. Cosby’s lawyer cheered the news, and assured his client that American society will be far more tolerant to sexual assault allegations in the months ahead.

July

Spice put on ice
Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Tardigrades will outlive us all
A study was published suggesting that tardigrades, microscopic animals that can’t really be burned, frozen or anything else, are the most likely form of life to survive a cataclysmic event on Earth. Considering how things are going, they can have it.

August

Age of retirement in U.K. is 96
It was announced that Prince Phillip would retire from making public appearances, citing ill health and the fact that he is 96 years old. Mr. The Queen also said he’s tired of Buckingham Palace staff thinking he’s a ghost.

Veterans, not veterinarians
Congress can’t even help puppies. A bill was introduced in July to defund the Department of Veterans’ Affairs from testing stuff like meth on dogs, and giving dogs heart attacks. The bill enjoyed bipartisan support in August, and promptly died after no vote was taken on it in committee.

The citronella soldiers
A bunch of Civil War cosplayers and white power enthusiasts stepped away from Twitter for a day so that they could rally in support of free speech in Charlottesville, Virginia. The idiots grabbed tiki torches and no doubt intimidated local mosquitoes as planned.

September

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
It was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spread pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

Blood feud
A disturbing video of police officers in Utah violently arresting a nurse went viral. The arrest resulted after the nurse refused to draw blood from an unconscious subject without consent or warrant. Police officers countered that she got what she deserved because they had asked her, “Pretty please,” even adding, “with sugar on top.”

October

The final away message
AOL announced that it was shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all. Your parents were reportedly very upset by the announcement.

The woke yogurt
Yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

Fame monster fired
Media mogul Harvey Weinstein was fired from The Weinstein Company after numerous accusations of sexual harassment and sexual assault were brought to light. So let that be a lesson to all you men in power: don’t you dare defile a potted plant, or we’ll eventually get around to being outraged.

November

Never become the story
Today Show host Matt Lauer and radio yarn spinner Garrison Keillor were fired from there jobs amid allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. One report against Lauer, and this is true, is that he gave a female employee a sex toy and wrote her a note about what he wanted to do with it. Meanwhile, female staffers reported numerous unwanted invitations to skinny dip with Keillor in Lake Woebegone.

Something happened in Delaware
Parts of the Mid-Atlantic were rocked when a magnitude 4.1 earthquake struck near Dover, Delaware. President Donald Trump said he hopes for a speedy recovery from the natural disaster, adding that the nation of Delaware brought this on itself.

Get out of jail free
President Donald Trump took credit for getting three UCLA basketball players out of a Chinese jail after they were arrested on suspicion of shoplifting. He then complained that the basketball players should have shown him more gratitude for their freedom. This was actually a news story this year.

December

Worst airport ever
Thousands of people’s days were ruined when Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport lost power for roughly 11 hours. The outage caused a massive travel snarl at the busiest airport in the U.S. The good news is that no one had to rush for their connecting flight.

Feel fancier than you are
Miller High Life has called itself “the champagne of beers,” probably hoping that most people have never had champagne. But this year, the discerning macro beer snob will be able to enjoy High Life in a champagne bottle. So if you’re hosting a New Year’s party, here a great prank to play at midnight.

Time grows short
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the life expectancy for the U.S. dropped for the second year in a row. So after all this, there’s something to look forward to.

The sea lion uprising has begun

Vicious killers.

There’s panic in the streets of San Francisco, a city of normally-calm tech bros and Full House tourists. The chaos is coming from the water, and no swimmer is safe.

Sea lions are on the rampage, according to the National Parks Service. It’s gotten so bad that one popular swimming area had to be closed. Three swimmers have been attacked by sea lions in a single week. And no one can recall a single attack happening ever before.

It seems obvious that these monsters are rising up in a bid to overthrow humanity, as we knew they one day would.

You Missed It: Alien invasion edition

Hey guys, how’s it going? Hopefully your house is still standing, and wasn’t flooded, blown to smithereens, or burned. We’re really checking all the boxes for natural disasters this month. This weekly feature has been missing largely because I’ve had family stuff to attend to. But here we all are. Let’s get reacquainted. If you were busy ending your marriage with Fergie this week, odds are you missed it.

Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.

From Russia with likes
This week, it was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spreading pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.

The gateway spice
Experts say that pumpkin spice can really be addictive. They say while the flavors can trigger feelings of holidays and family, if you consume them enough, your body will soon crave it. Researchers warn the demographic most at risk to get hooked on pumpkin spice are “basic bitches.”

Goose poop attack at Disneyland

Animals are out to ruin your summer. That includes those big summer trip plans you’ve made.

Disneyland became a scene of horror and panic last Friday night when a flock of geese attacked the most iconic attraction at Disneyland, the Sleeping Beauty Castle. According to authorities, the geese pooped on nearly 20 tourists, many of them children. The attack happened just as crowds were gathering for the nightly fireworks show. The cowardly geese could not have picked a better time for their attack.

A hazardous materials team was dispatched to clean up the victims, who are said to be recovering from the trauma, and were given a change of clothes by the park.

Peacock attack on liquor store leaves dozens sober

It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.

In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.

According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.

Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.

Fish attack California elementary school

It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.

In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.

Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.

Drunk man fights back against robot uprising

In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.

Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.

Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.

Woman claims she’s a mermaid, Disney has no comment

A few weeks ago, Disney released a shot-for-shot remake of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. The live-action version of the same movie you’ve already seen featured just enough extra footage to get people to turn out in droves. But Disney has gone overboard with its newest remake.

Police in Fresno, California are asking if anyone in the area is missing a mermaid. A woman calling herself “Joanna” was found nearly naked and walking down the middle of a street at 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning. She claimed to be a mermaid, said she had been in the water, but wasn’t really able to answer any other questions. Authorities noted that she has webbed toes. Method acting at its finest.

It’s been a while since we watched 1989’s The Little Mermaid, but we remember the plot clearly: a mermaid princess makes a deal with a morbidly obese octopus to become human, and she winds up in a city more than a hundred miles from the ocean. When she is discovered, she’s treated for clear signs of mental illness. And they all lived happily ever after.

Never go flying with Harrison Ford

Lao Che’s plan was pretty solid, in retrospect.

There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.

Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.

So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.

Tyranny watch: California lawyers may be banned from banging clients

This country was founded on some basic freedoms, such as the freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, and the freedom to have sex with those you represent in court. One of those sacred freedoms is under attack.

In ban-happy California, the state’s largest bar association is proposing a ban on attorney-client sexual relations, as part of its overhaul of its ethics rules. Under the proposal, lawyers who debrief with their clients could be disbarred.

Freedom-loving lawyers are understandably against the proposal.