It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.
In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.
Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.
In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.
Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.
Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.
A few weeks ago, Disney released a shot-for-shot remake of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. The live-action version of the same movie you’ve already seen featured just enough extra footage to get people to turn out in droves. But Disney has gone overboard with its newest remake.
Police in Fresno, California are asking if anyone in the area is missing a mermaid. A woman calling herself “Joanna” was found nearly naked and walking down the middle of a street at 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning. She claimed to be a mermaid, said she had been in the water, but wasn’t really able to answer any other questions. Authorities noted that she has webbed toes. Method acting at its finest.
It’s been a while since we watched 1989’s The Little Mermaid, but we remember the plot clearly: a mermaid princess makes a deal with a morbidly obese octopus to become human, and she winds up in a city more than a hundred miles from the ocean. When she is discovered, she’s treated for clear signs of mental illness. And they all lived happily ever after.
There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.
Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.
So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.
This country was founded on some basic freedoms, such as the freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, and the freedom to have sex with those you represent in court. One of those sacred freedoms is under attack.
After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
Everyone knows about the “tiny house” craze that is sweeping the country. (No? Just us? Your wives don’t make you watch those tiny house shows?) It’s the best option for people who think 600 square feet is a livable space, but don’t want the hassle of moving to New York. The problem is, these things are mobile.
For nearly a month, Californians have been living in fear of Wally the whale. Really, it’s just the corpse that they were afraid of. And now they may finally be rid of the creature’s tyranny.
A year ago, Wally became a sensation on YouTube for spouting water and creating a rainbow. She made headlines again on June 30 when she washed up dead on a beach in California, smelling up the joint, and threatening to explode at any moment. Her carcass was towed out to sea, but came right back a few days later. She was towed out several more times and kept washing up stinkier than ever. Plus, sharks would attack the boat that towed it.
Despite what the so-called media may report, animals aren’t innocent. In fact, some of them can be real jerks, as a few college kids in California found out.
The “official” story is that some college kids stole a turkey from a local high school and later returned it, missing some feathers and reeking of beer. But we know better. In Orange County, Tim the turkey somehow convinced three college students to let him out of his pen and take him on a wild ride. He likely plied the boy with alcohol, and got them in to trouble, as only turkeys can.
Of course, the kids were arrested, and the turkey was simply returned to its pen. Welcome to Obama’s America.
In California, a squirrel got into an elementary school classroom and began attacking the teacher, biting her on the shoulder. The teacher then threw the squirrel off of her, and it soon found a student to bite. The janitor was eventually able to corral the beast.
The school principal had to send a letter home to parents about the incident, and authorities say the park has issues with aggressive squirrels. As part of an obvious attempt at a cover-up, authorities say the squirrels are aggressive because people feed them, not because they are all plotting against us.