Donkey takes goats, sheep on the lamb in L.A.

Los Angeles has had a rough go of it lately. It’s had a drought, wild fires, mudslides and NCIS: Los Angeles. But things somehow got even worse for Angelenos when a pack of animals ran loose on the streets.

Authorities say a donkey led a herd of goats and sheep through the streets of an L.A. suburb late last week. The beasts refused to comply with lawful orders of police officers to go home. They even managed to evade the cops attempting to arrest them. Considering how friendly L.A. cops can be when arresting you, this shows quite a bit of defiance.

Eventually, police tracked down the owner of the animals, which it was found had escaped through an open gate. The owner helped herd the animals, which for some reason were not charged with a single crime.

Beer news round up

Fact: We here at SG love beer. Truthfully, we’re probably more beer snobs than non-beer snobs, but if it’s amber and alcoholic, it’ll go down smooth enough. As such, we want to give you the news about beer whenever it’s out. The Guys like to think of it as giving back to the community.

For our fans that live in California, soon you may be able to drink longer. How is that a bad thing? Answer: it’s not.

But don’t worry, East Coast bar-hoppers, there’s news for you too. In New York, patrons of EVR will be able to use Bitcoin, the virtual currency, to pay for their drinks. Sure, it’s just more moon-math like Xbox Live points that make no sense, but why think when you can drink?

Regardless, be careful if you drink a lot. The Germans (retired and now doing science-y stuff after they bombed Pearl Harbor) have discovered arsenic in the filtering process for beer. United States researchers are saying it’s no big thing, as it’s always been there. Will it kill you? Will it not kill you? Who knows, but apparently the chemical makes the delectable nectar sparkle in the light. I’d say that’s a nice trade-off for potential death.

Sea lions have terrible taste in music

The Bible tells us that animals have no souls, despite every pet owner in the world trying to humanize their pets with captions on Facebook. We just got further confirmation that they have no souls, and by “they,” we mean sea lions.

Researchers at the University of California-Santa Cruz have been conducting tests on their prisoners, conducting psychological warfare by playing terrible music. What they found is nothing short of shocking. Sea lions are able to bob their heads to the beat of a song they have heard before.

Further, when they hear a new song, a Backstreet Boys song, they are able to bob their heads to that as well. Which means that sea lions like the Backstreet Boys. Not even our interrogation tactics work against them!

Animals willfully ignorant of difference between inside and outside

The Guys don’t like animals. Maybe we’ve been subtle about that, maybe not so much. Regardless, like a car stuck on a highway full of tractor-trailers, we (and the rest of the human race) are cautiously respectful of the boundary between inside and outside. We don’t necessarily freely give up the outside, but the animal kingdom has its realm, and we have ours. The animal kingdom, sadly, has chosen to break this unspoken agreement.

In Fort Worth, Texas, patrons of a hotel were besieged by an invasion force of bees. Inexplicably deciding to put up shop at the Budget Suites, a swarm of the stinging monsters hovered just outside of the windows, menacing guests.

And in Monrovia, California, a man was terrorized by a pair of bears. Yes, those bastards decided to get up to their old antics again. Justin Lee went into his home only to find the furry beasts gouging themselves on his hard-earned food. A heroic combination of police and animal control officers were able to send the creatures running through the power of bean bag shots. It’s a temporary solution, but we’re always down for a more … permanent solution.

Next time, use the e-brake

There are so many ways you can park a car:

  • You can park on a street.
  • You can park in a parking garage.
  • You can park in your assigned spot.
  • You can park in your driveway.
  • You can park on the wrong side of town.
  • And in Glendale, California, through a strange confluence of events, you can somehow park your car on a neighbor’s roof.

Nuts taken, squirrels now on the lam

80,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen in the last two weeks from Tehama County in California. Who would do such a thing? Who … or what?

Two nut companies that bought approximately 40,000 pounds of walnuts each from a company in California have reported the shipments stolen. Police have deemed a delivery driver of the Russian accent variety as a possible suspect. But come on. Selling walnuts on the black market? That’s just dumb, even if the Russian mob creates an artificial shortage to do so.

Oh sure, it turns out that the man who picked up the nuts wasn’t the guy who was supposed to do so at all. Regardless, I suspect that the criminal mind involved in this theft is not of the two legged variety, but of the four legged variety. That’s right squirrels, I’m accusing you of such criminal misconduct!

While I’m not particularly keen on walnuts (I am of the belief that brownies and banana bread are made that much better without them), other humans enjoy them, and that’s all I need to know. Return the nuts, unchanged or bothered, and we may be lenient on you. Maybe.

Human health NOW valued at 1.7 billion dollars

Life. We all need it (well, most of us). However, what we don’t need to know, typically, is the amount that it’s worth.

Well, thanks to a lawsuit that’s been filed in Santa Monica, we now know an approximation: 1.7 billion dollars.

At least, this is how much Denise Barton thinks her life is worth. She’s filed the suit, claiming that the wireless parking meters used in the city have interfered and ruined her life. Apparently some people think you can fight city hall. Sometime back, the World Health Organization stated that low-level radiation may cause cancer and maladies in humans. Extrapolating from this, Barton thinks that the city is trying to kill her. Tin-foils hats ON.

The thing, what happens if she wins the lawsuit? Just how much would her life be worth if the parking meters were removed? More? Less? These are the intriguing thoughts we have that aren’t morbid at all and don’t imply a termination contract for her. Nope. Not at all. No. Ummm … next subject!

Eating these Snickers bars will really make you become Batman

My parents recently got back from Europe, and when I went to visit them this past weekend, I was given oodles of strange and oddly worded candy-bars. This was a particular bit of joy for me because I find any bit of candy not found in the United States of America to be of high interest. I don’t think I’m the only person on this gigantic planet to have this specific character trait.

However, I don’t think it builds good relations to have Japanese people think that the American Snickers bar is nothing more than a chocolate-covered bar of meth.

Customs agents at LAX apparently feel the same way.

Bit by bit, Anchorman invades our world

Here at SG, we don’t exactly hold weathermen in high regards. Meteorology just isn’t one of the sciences that interests us much, and furthermore, we think that most anyone could do their job. It’s a deservedly thankless and full of blame job. If they get it right, great, they’re actually doing their job. But if they get the weather wrong, and when I mean wrong, I mean, wrong, then they have now earned a tongue lashing and internet beating.

Regardless, and I hope animals are listening, they’re our future pinatas. They don’t belong to creatures, they belong to human beings. Don’t send your mob enforcer equivalents to beat up our weathermen. We’ll send the real mob enforcers to do the job, thank you very much.

Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.