Goose poop attack at Disneyland

Animals are out to ruin your summer. That includes those big summer trip plans you’ve made.

Disneyland became a scene of horror and panic last Friday night when a flock of geese attacked the most iconic attraction at Disneyland, the Sleeping Beauty Castle. According to authorities, the geese pooped on nearly 20 tourists, many of them children. The attack happened just as crowds were gathering for the nightly fireworks show. The cowardly geese could not have picked a better time for their attack.

A hazardous materials team was dispatched to clean up the victims, who are said to be recovering from the trauma, and were given a change of clothes by the park.

Peacock attack on liquor store leaves dozens sober

It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.

In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.

According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.

Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.

Fish attack California elementary school

It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.

In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.

Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.

Drunk man fights back against robot uprising

In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.

Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.

Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.

Woman claims she’s a mermaid, Disney has no comment

A few weeks ago, Disney released a shot-for-shot remake of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. The live-action version of the same movie you’ve already seen featured just enough extra footage to get people to turn out in droves. But Disney has gone overboard with its newest remake.

Police in Fresno, California are asking if anyone in the area is missing a mermaid. A woman calling herself “Joanna” was found nearly naked and walking down the middle of a street at 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning. She claimed to be a mermaid, said she had been in the water, but wasn’t really able to answer any other questions. Authorities noted that she has webbed toes. Method acting at its finest.

It’s been a while since we watched 1989’s The Little Mermaid, but we remember the plot clearly: a mermaid princess makes a deal with a morbidly obese octopus to become human, and she winds up in a city more than a hundred miles from the ocean. When she is discovered, she’s treated for clear signs of mental illness. And they all lived happily ever after.

Never go flying with Harrison Ford

Lao Che’s plan was pretty solid, in retrospect.

There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.

Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.

So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.

Tyranny watch: California lawyers may be banned from banging clients

This country was founded on some basic freedoms, such as the freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, and the freedom to have sex with those you represent in court. One of those sacred freedoms is under attack.

In ban-happy California, the state’s largest bar association is proposing a ban on attorney-client sexual relations, as part of its overhaul of its ethics rules. Under the proposal, lawyers who debrief with their clients could be disbarred.

Freedom-loving lawyers are understandably against the proposal.

The McBournie Minute: Get excited for ballot measures

After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!

You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.

So let’s take a look at some of the big issues out there. As I did two years ago, I’ll tell you which way you should vote tomorrow. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Get excited for ballot measures

Thieves steal house

Everyone knows about the “tiny house” craze that is sweeping the country. (No? Just us? Your wives don’t make you watch those tiny house shows?) It’s the best option for people who think 600 square feet is a livable space, but don’t want the hassle of moving to New York. The problem is, these things are mobile.

A woman in Sacramento, California came home one day to find her house had gone missing. Her tiny house, which is nearly complete thanks to asking for other people to pay for her house, had been stolen. After a day of searching, the house was found in a parking lot.

Seems like if you live in something that random people can just haul away, you need to put a boot on your house.

Dead whale finally stops washing up on California shores

For nearly a month, Californians have been living in fear of Wally the whale. Really, it’s just the corpse that they were afraid of. And now they may finally be rid of the creature’s tyranny.

A year ago, Wally became a sensation on YouTube for spouting water and creating a rainbow. She made headlines again on June 30 when she washed up dead on a beach in California, smelling up the joint, and threatening to explode at any moment. Her carcass was towed out to sea, but came right back a few days later. She was towed out several more times and kept washing up stinkier than ever. Plus, sharks would attack the boat that towed it.

But Wally has finally been put to rest the way whales have for millions of years — being chopped up and spread across a landfill.