Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.

April Fools asholeroid

Is it April 2 yet? OK, good.

Every year, The Guys hunker down for 24 hours every April 1 to avoid what is the most annoying day in the world. Entire Web sites become unusable, whoopie cushions are on every chair and all the news is (more) unreliable at best.

And this year? It turns out we were right to take shelter in our bunker — which contains our servers and vintage erotica — because an asteroid got in on the “fun” by making an unpermitted flyby yesterday.

The war bodes well for us

My friends, things are going well for us.

In Smithfield, Virginia, a show dog was recently bitten by a snake. Now, I know and you know that show dogs aren’t exactly the warriors that we would expect to fight on the battle-lines of war, nor do I think we would. They’re not fighting material, but they are propaganda machines. Think Captain America in the Marvel movie universe when he’s on stage punching theater-Hitler. That’s why this is great news for us. One of our enemy’s stars has been attacked by a rogue member of their forces? How can you possibly spin that in a positive way?

We don’t need to sit on our laurels, but frankly, it’s things are looking good at the moment.

Once an astronaut, always an astronaut?

The Sacramento Superior Court ruled Thursday that Jose Hernandez, a former NASA astronaut who served for two weeks aboard the International Space Station, can list himself as an astronaut on California’s primary election ballot. His occupation listing was challenged by “a Sacramento law firm with ties to top state Republicans,” who maintain that since Hernandez hasn’t been in space or NASA since January 2011, that being a rocket man is no longer his primary occupation.

Considering that only 327 Americans have gone into space since 1961 — and because he is probably a carrier of Space Madness (which we’ve previously warned about) — we’re pretty sure he’s considered an astronaut for the rest of his life. Besides, check out his Wikipedia page: Jose Hernandez (astronaut).

After all, once we sell this site to a Czech communal comedy farm, we’re still going to list ourselves as Guys.

Nature is terrifying, y’all

If Land of the Lost taught us anything, it’s that we should be grateful for living in a world where we don’t have to rely on larger dinosaurs to counterattack the pterodactyls that are trying to kill us.

Or do we?

Robert Briggs claims he was minding his business, spying on a mother bear and her cubs, when a mountain lion ambushed him from behind. The big cat grabbed him by the backpack (presumably aiming for his head), and attempted to maul Briggs as he attacked back with a rock pick. The mother bear swatted the lion off and then fought it until the bushwhacker ran away.

While the rest of the story is unclear — despite what the rest of the story in the link says — we are confident that Briggs married his heroine and raised her cubs as his own.

So now 7 year olds are too good for lap dance money?

Remember earlier in the week when SG told you about an overly-benevolent strip club that saved a local little league from plunging into financial destitution? It was only going to be the best movie found on The Hallmark Channel.

Well, save those tissues that were obviously going to be used for and only for tears, because it’s all exploded in the faces of everyone involved. Coincidentally enough, that also happens at strip clubs. Solely due to the souffles found at the buffet, of course.

The manager of the league has decided that the league does not need the money … specifically, the strip club’s money. It’s still currently financially destitute after returning the donation, but both the strip club’s owner and the league’s manager hope that the news has drummed up enough attention to their plight. Reportedly a paramedic has donated 1600 dollars, but does that money come from broken dreams and c-sections? I think not.

Breastfeeding our ailing national pastime

A Los Angeles area Little League is in dire straits and could really use a miracle right now. And that’s when some angels show up to save the day — some naughty angels, that is.

The Lennox Little League, a poor urban community, was almost unable to pay increasing fees and can no longer sell grilled concessions thanks to regulations imposed by the K-8 Lennox School District. The Jet Strip, a local strip club whose manager serves on the all-volunteer Lennox Coordinating Council, donated $1200 to cover them for the year.

And it makes sense. Without future baseball players, who will support the strippers of tomorrow? Golfers? Please. There aren’t entire teams of golfers.

Repeat of Crystal Pepsi crisis averted

California regulatory agencies declared compound 4-methylimidazole, also known as 4-MI or 4-MEI — one of the ingredients that gives cola beverages their distinctive caramel coloring — “a known carcinogen.” The classification would have forced brands like Coca-Cola and Pepsi to place a cancer warning on containers or resort to colorless colas, reigniting the Crystal Pepsi and Clear Tab Debacle of the early ’90s.

However, crisis was averted when Coke announced a formula change that will maintain their cola’s coloring while reducing the levels of 4-MI. And this is despite the company’s insistence that “the body of science about 4-MEI in foods or beverages does not support the erroneous allegations that [the Center for Science in the Public Interest] would like the public to believe.”

Historians who specialize in the period ranging from 1992 – 1993 are thankful that Coke was able to resolve this without unleashing clear colas onto an unsuspecting public once again. Now, we just have to make sure grunge remains securely in its grave.

How I Met Your Schnauzers

A ranger at Rancho Corral de Tierra near Montara — part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area near San Francisco, Calif. — opened fire (with her stun gun) on a man walking his two small dogs off-leash. This was after the man reportedly gave the ranger a fake name and tried to walk off.

By the laws of nature and men, the ranger has established dominance over the small dogs’ master; therefore, the pack is hers.

Father in name only

To quote The Family Guy, “He’s a phony!”

Kind of. Trent Arsenault, the man who we told you about being a super-dad, is only halfway there to being a dad. It would seem that Arsenault has yet to actually consummate anything with a woman, despite being the tender age of 36. His freelance sperm donations are so VERY freelance.

Confused? Highlight this article, and write your congressperson today.

Fight SOPA.