Tag: California

Now it’s cancer rather than hair growing on palms

Okay, remember how in Back to the Future, plutonium was needed to power the DeLorean, but the Libyan terrorists wanted it back?

Now swap in tissue boxes with DeLorean and Bed, Bath & Beyond with Libyan terrorists and you’ve got this story.

A shipment of tissues box covers making their way to the California corner of Bed, Bath & Beyond (if they’ve got time, Saturday’s looking busy) were delayed in their travels. At a truck scale, the radiation sensor was set off, probably setting off tornado sirens and klaxons left and right. The box covers apparently had been coated in low levels of cobalt-60. Triple B is now offering a recall on the products.

The radiation is reportedly not too dangerous to people if they left them in their bathroom, but I have a feeling my old suitemate from college, Sploosh, might have a bad case of testicular cancer if he bought them.

Man just can’t give his sperm away

Fremont, California resident and frequent masturbator Trent Arsenault has been ordered by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to cease and desist giving cups of his batter away.

The FDA states that Arsenault must be tested before every sperm donation in accordance with laws on all human fluid donations. However, Arsenault would not be on the hook if, as his grandmother complains, he would just have sex with all these women like a decent Craigslist user.

To date, Arsenault has donated 348 love shots to 46 women who found him online. He describes his process:

“‘It only takes me 15 minutes to do my part,’ he said. ‘They’ll send me a text message, and by the time they get to my house, it’s hot off the press.'”

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner was offended, saying that this was an obvious jab at the failing paper pornography industry, no matter how many times some photographer convinces a delusional Lindsay Lohan she’s Marilyn Monroe.

Organic salads get even more organic

Though we’re a fairly carnivorous website, we understand the need for people to go vegetarian every now and then. Though it’s not nearly as strong a front that meat-eaters provide, the indirect approach to the War on Animals that plant-eaters use still makes an impact on our enemies.

We don’t necessarily think that the streams should be crossed though. When you’re hungry, you just want what you crave. If that’s a salad, then that’s a salad. Just a salad. Not a salad with a live tree frog.

SG wholeheartedly recommends not eating live tree frogs. They can be incredibly poisonous and toxic if touched, and most usually fatal if consumed. SG also wholeheartedly recommends not eating salads from wholesale stores, but not because they can be incredibly poisonous and toxic if touched and fatal if consumed. It’s just low-rent.

We’ll be driving with the windows up for a while

Over 20 million bees pulled a Con Air in Utah, overturning a truck that was transporting them to a maximum security almond farm in Bakersfield, California.

The bees have mostly been returned into custody, but the driver and two police officers were stung during the attempted hijacking/breakout.  Some of the bees, however, remain at large and may use the U.S. highway system against us to quickly take over every Waffle House dumpster in America.

Thanks a lot, Eisenhower.

Alert! Chickens on the loose!

You may have heard yesterday that some animals were on the loose.

My friends, animals on the loose isn’t limited to just one area of the country.

A truck driver began falling asleep while traveling down the highway. Little did he know that his oncoming dreams would signal horror. His truck then made its way into another, jackknifing and losing its load like the truck was called Peter N. No, that’s too obvious. Perhaps P. North? Yes, that’ll work. Anyways, after crashing, the load was lost … and then on the loose.

Yes, the trucker was carrying live materials, this time in the form of chickens. Hundreds of chickens were set free, blocking traffic for miles on end. As you can see from the picture in the link, these chickens weren’t tiny spring hens. The worst part though is that nowhere in the link is it mentioned that all of these monster chickens were caught. Be safe and cautious, people of California. Shoot to kill and fry to eat.

Reefer (Funereal) Madness!

Three elderly people will have some dope yarns to spin once they are released from intensive care after being served pot brownies at a funeral. The tray was unmarked and left in grandma-reach in honor of the recently deceased’s affection for marijuana-infused baked goods.

The two 71-year-old women and 82-year-old man were sent to the emergency room, complaining of nausea, dizziness, an inability to stand without assistance and their grandkids’ freakishly small hands.

A Huntington Beach police representative began his press conference by stating that the matter is not funny, reminding reporters that three people went to the hospital, but lost his s%#t when Officer Steve — the funny one — did his “Scared Tripping Granny” impersonation in the entrance on his way to the snack machine.

“Damn it, Steve!” he said between laughing jags. “This is why the feds are moving back in this week.”

Sticking up for your penis

Just like California Gov. Jerry Brown, The Guys would like to assure you that your penis is on our minds. And by that, we mean penis health in general.

We all know that cheating increases the risk giving your partner a scorching, dripping case of the Mondays. But, did you know that you can break your dick?

This is the subject of the most important academic paper you will ever read to your penis, just to warn it that, while it’s right about your coworkers being very attractive, it’s better to just Google porn stars that look like them later in the comfort of your masturbatorium.

Sex in uncomfortable positions and locations, such as in the office or a car, can potentially break your tunica albuginea — the “bone” in your boner. Or, a better way to define these places? Anywhere your regularly scheduled sex partner isn’t.

A problem the likes of which only the SyFy channel has seen

Invasion. Infestation. Invertebrates. These are three words that start with the letter I that we cannot stand here at SeriouslyGuys.

Unfortunately, they exist for a reason. One reason being that giant snails have invaded South Florida. We’re not talking snails that you’ve seen before, we’re talking about African giant snails, the type that grow up to three quarters of a foot. They make badly shot movies about these monsters! Even worse, ten thousand of them have been found. That’s a lot of ugly, the likes of which Miami hasn’t seen since Chris Bosh came to town (I kid, I kid, but seriously, the dude looks like an alien). The mollusks are known to be carriers of meningitis, eat the local flora and can seriously damage the foundation of houses in the area. Do your part, residents of South Florida-stomp out a snail today.

But that’s not the only problem with invertebrates. In the quaint town of San Diego (German for “whale’s vagina”), the brave firefighters of Station 29 have been forced to flee the station house. Why so? Those monsters of New York, the bedbugs, have infested the beds. And the clothing. And the equipment. That’s not good for anybody that needs to be saved if a firefighter is too busy scratching to save you from your burning house!

Clearly the invertebrate world is attempting to take we humans on. Don’t let that happen. We’re bigger than them (well, most of us are).

Maybe the orange tip was the give-away?

What would you say are characteristics of a bad attempt at holding up a store? Being drunk during said hold-up? Using a toy gun to do the sticking of the ups? Covering your face with a clear plastic mask? Not analyzing your area before taking action?

If you answered yes to all of those, then you might be talking about Wilnelia Caraballo. Caraballo is being charged with armed robbery and experienced every single one of those characteristics:

“Police spokeswoman Yvonne Martinez said 19-year-old Wilnelia Caraballo walked into the Kangaroo Express at 2595 Emerson Drive about 5:51 a.m., wearing a clear plastic mask, holding a ‘Uzi-type gun’ and intoxicated.

“The store clerks were in the back of the store and saw Caraballo walk behind the front counter, police said.

“One of the clerks, who was stocking a cooler, yelled at the would-be robber saying, ‘Palm Bay police. Get on the ground!'”

In summary: Megatron is not a gun, he is simply a toy. Stop trying to hold up stores with Megatron or robots that want to be Megatron.