Breaking news of the day

A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage.  GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.

None of these headlines compare to the true hot news story: an Alaskan man is now the mustache-iest man in the world.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Coolest state rankings turned upside-down

After a tremendous drop to number two in Maxim Magazine‘s “Coolest States in the U.S.” ranking last year, California has now dropped several more rungs in 2009.

Today’s state Supreme Court ruling that upheld Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage, caused the state to now lag behind most of New England and stand just above Iowa.

(Iowa, of course, legalized gay marriage, but medicinal marijuana is still illegal and there’s no surfing.)

Californians are swept up in grief and disappointment, wondering just when did they lose their edge.

Some point to when they elected a Republican governor, but he was an action movie star. Others believe it was when gays started acting too normal, getting married and adopting children that the state entered its giant middle-aged status. Still others point to the state’s financial troubles, suggesting that it may be time to “get over themselves and embrace corporate America, selling out or not.”

As mentioned Friday, Alabama managed to pull itself into 48th place in the rankings, upsetting Oklahoma, which is not Texas.

Death Fridge, the fridge that kills

Twenty-eight people were sickened by the stench at an AT&T office building in San Jose, Wednesday morning when a well-meaning staffer — who had just, natch, had nasal surgery for her allergies, rendering her slightly more immune — purged a fridge of its ancient leftovers.

After a few high-power air-fresheners were administered, the mix of chemicals and rotting food smell had workers complaining of nausea and vomiting. More than 300 employees were evacuated; seven were sent to the hospital.

It’s a bad sign when the fridge at your workplace needs its own series of OSHA ruling guidelines.

A Hollywood pagan calendar update

For those of you readers using the pagan calendar, it is officially time to burn down California again.

This is a four-month long ritual, during which time C- and D-grade celebrities and their unfortunate neighbors sacrifice their homes for a profitable blockbuster movie season.

We’ll see you in September when the Festival of New Television Episodes commences.

Phil Spector, our producer, did something

Phil Spector, just one of many celebrated psychopaths in the American music industry (but the only one to hold The Ramones hostage), was found guilty yesterday of the second-degree murder of Lana Clarkson.

In an inconceivable situation, Clarkson was found dead in Spector’s Los Angeles home from a gunshot wound. His arrest and trial led to the world’s most bizarre collection of courtroom sketches in recent history. Seriously, people haven’t worn wigs this bad in court since the invention of the guillotine.

The Guys wish Phil all the best during his sentencing. He’s a talented individual that just can’t handle his guns, bullets, ego, wardrobe, talent or his individual self.

You may have only gotten second-degree murder, but it’ll always be first in our hearts.

The barter system makes a comeback

Like every other major media outlet, SG has been bringing you the hard-hitting economy coverage you depend on. But much of our examination of the current economic crisis has been focused on its impact on Wall Street. Let’s head over to Main Street and see how things are there. (Stop after that: Sesame Street.)

In California, it’s getting so bad that stoners can’t even afford the triple bacon cheeseburgers they crave. Authorities arrested Shawn Alexander Pannullo, 27, after a McDonald’s employee complained that he tried to pay for his food with marijuana. Despite being a fast food worker, the employee declined the offer.

The re-emergence of the barter system, whether successfully implemented or not, is a sign of this nation’s struggling economy. It was commonplace during the Great Depression, and it even came back with Tears for Fears after the 1982 mini-crash.

The sun also rises, but the moon shall never again

Tradition is a hard thing to break. For some, it’s about touching a special object. For others, it’s performing an act in an OCD-like manner. Yet still, for some, it involves exposing their gluteus maximus to a passing vehicle. To paraphrase Ron Burgundy, “You stay classy, Laguna Niguel“.

Unfortunately, classy is all they shall stay. Police in Laguna Niguel, California, broke up the annual mooning of the Amtrak trains, a 29-year tradition that has never once caused a rail disaster. Well, not one involving a train anyway. The reason behind it? Apparently, some in the group became a bit more ambitious than others and showed parts of their body that wasn’t their butt. SHOCK AND DISMAY!

Their other job is at Google Maps

A group of people without lives obviously conservatives (no, wait, this is Cali) very concerned citizens are protesting a lingerie store in Vacaville, California by videotaping customers as they enter and exit the store and then posting it on YouTube. Don’t get them wrong—they’re not against sex or lingerie or anything; they’re just concerned that it will turn their fair city into a pornographic wasteland soon to be engulfed in an all-consuming hellstorm of fire and brimstone.

Truth told, you can’t really blame them. I mean, that’s how these things happen all the time, after all. There’s, like, a mathematical equation to the craziness. Lingerie store opens up, 6 months later, a destructive rain of meteors rains down from the heavens while a gateway opens up, sending demons to destroy everything in the immediate vicinity. Happened not more than two miles from where I lived back in college. Durndest thing.

Coincidentally enough, I wonder just HOW they got so good with their camera skills. Yup, that’s right, we’re onto your hypocrisy.

You Missed It: CANNES!!! edition

Sen. Hillary Clinton handily defeated Sen. Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary earlier this week. Pushing the primaries on, and on, and on, and on. So if you were like John Edwards and endorsing Obama, odds are you missed it.

Black, stork to the stars
Jack Black made unintended headlines this week at the Cannes Film Festival this week when he spilled the beans that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, better known as “Angelad,” are expecting twins. There is no word yet as to which baby will be the perfect of the two and a mortal god-off is scheduled with the unborn fruit of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan. Meanwhile, no one is paying attention to Kung Fu Panda.

Earthquakes rock China
A Richter 7.9 earthquake hit central China earlier this week, and strong aftershocks have been hitting the region off and on since then. The quakes have caused thousands of deaths and left thousands more homeless. A dam was critically damaged by the tremblor but has been fixed by the military. Who else is looking forward to the Beijing Olympics this summer?

President heads to the Middle East
Fresh off his daughter’s weekend wedding, President George Bush headed to Israel this week to celebrate the country’s 60th anniversary and the peace that has fallen over the region since then. Bush then stopped off in Saudi Arabia to talk oil production with the Saudi royals. When Bush told King Abdullah he had just come from Israel, the monarch replied, “I’m sorry, where? I don’t recognize the name.”

Same sex marriage in California
On Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down a state ban on same sex marriage, saying it was unconstitutional to keep people from marrying based on gender, just as it is with race. Same sex marriage supporters gathered outside the courthouse to hear the news and called the ruling “fabulous.”

You win some, you lose some

We have finally figured out how to eliminate those annoying dolphins as a species (aside from humiliating them to death for tourist shows). SeaWorld, the world’s largest chain for aquatic gulags, has managed to kill a dolphin as part of its show.

Sharky the dolphin was performing some sort of aerial stunt when it hit another dolphin in a mid-air collision. Now THAT’s entertainment! In the War on Animals, it is always great to see people showing initiative and eliminating the great dolphin threat.

Sadly, we lost one of our boys on the West Coast recently. An animal trainer in California paid the ultimate price in this crazy, mixed-up war, when a “friendly” grizzly bear he was wrestling with bit him on the neck. We proudly salute our fallen comrade. May he go where the bears and their hunts for picanic baskets cannot reach him.

Finally, many of our readers have been clamoring for mention of the shark attack in San Diego last week. There, we said it.