Sects Sells: ACLU suddenly likes Jesus?

Having just kicked the Easter Bunny out of shopping malls, the American Civil Liberties Union has found a new high-profile case to remind Americans that they’re still around. However, they’ve zigged just when we thought they would zag.

The ACLU is taking on the state of Texas, claiming they may have violated state and federal laws when they raided the XFZ polygamist ranch in Eldorado and then placed all 416 children in state custody. (This is not to be confused with the Bunny Ranch in Mound House, Nevada, where polygamy is only one of many services offered.)

Look, ACLU, you need to decide: do you or don’t you like Jesus? Or do you only like Jesus when he’s marrying his underage cousins? This blog’s best guess is that you’re entertaining your perverted Little House on the Prairie fantasies.

Bonus: The judge who sent all those kid’s into protective custody?  None other than Judge Barbara Walthers.  (OK, not really that one.)

West coast water supply secured from salmon

It is a glorious day in the War on Animals: salmon can no longer be found off the coasts of California and Oregon.

Thanks to the concerted efforts of the commercial fishing industry, Long John Silvers and armchair warriors like you, salmon can no longer ruin our beaches and drinking water with acts of malfeasence like fornicating and pooping.

Go ahead, pat yourself on the back.  We’ve all worked hard for this day.  But don’t think this means we can take a day off.  There’s still a whole world of water-spoiling fish out there to be eaten before we can switch back to tap.

Red Sox join the War on Animals

Baseball season is finally upon us. We know it, our former enemies friends in Japan know it and obviously so do the animals. Seeing an opportunity to strike at loyal Boston Red Sox fans, a red-tailed hawk made a nest at the majestic Fenway Park, a baseball Mecca.

The hawk waited for its opportunity, and was noticed by ballpark staff. The bird was scheduled to be dealt with when it attacked a girl taking a tour of the park with her middle school class, cutting her head above her eye. Not surprisingly, the nest was located just above the press box, most likely waiting for the off chance to silence The Guys.

The story has a somewhat happy ending. The hawk flew off and is reported to be still at large after the nest, and an egg, were removed. New item on the Fenway menu: omelettes.

UPDATE: Sports Illustrated has a picture of the attack.

In unhappier news, sea lions in California had been given a death sentence (and rightly so!) by the state government, then the inHumane Society came in and made them stop. The stay of execution will last until something is worked out by the group and state and federal agencies. This blog will never waver from its “kill the bastards” stance.

In a case of lose-lose, while the sea lions could meet their end, or even be moved, they are being moved to that salmon can make it ustream to spawn. We can handle the salmon, though.

Go to school, learn an illegal trade

After Friday’s highlights on the War on Animals, we switch focus to our other war, the War on Education.

Educators in Victorville, California have learned a hard lesson: when candy is criminalized, only criminals will have candy.

At the urging of Governor Arnold Schwartzenhophenhujablange … the Terminator, Hook Junior High School banned all candy sales to help cut down on childhood obesity.  Since then, a black market of students with Twinkies and Snickers bars has exploded.

Leave it to our educators to create a new generation of Al Capones.  If we needed more criminals, we could just send them to the movies or let them play video games all day.

Starbucks is in trouble, gang!

Sorry to interupt today’s observance of the War on Animals, but Starbucks is in trouble!

The San Diego Superior Court has ordered the company to pay over $100 million to all of its waiters baristas in California.  They were sued by a former employee who claimed that shift supervisors were included in tip-share, which is in violation of state law.

This venti order of justice could not come at a worse time.  Starbucks has been in financial trouble for almost two years now because caffeine junkies have turned their back on them in favor of quicker fixes like Red Bull, Dunkin’ Donuts and crack-coccaine.

Remember the world before Starbucks?  When you had to drink a Coke to wake up in the morning?  When your tongue wasn’t stained hemorrhoid brown?  When you didn’t have a place to show off your Macbook?

Do you really want to go back to using PCs, having money for cigarettes and listening to Peter Cetera un-ironically? 

We didn’t think so.  Get to a Starbucks today, and let them know what America is really about: not drinking tea.

Insert ‘bee’ pun here

Aside from whales, bees seem to be the most common animal at seems to keep posing threats to the American way. Not only are these buggers capable of harming humans regardless or age, race or creed (you have probably fallen victim to an attack at least once in your life), but they are kidnapping our celebrities.

However, they are now proving to be quite resourceful–nay, industrious–even when in captivity. A truck carrying untold numbers of bee prisoners of war in Sacramento, California flipped over, most likely due to a bee attack. The bees escaped and promptly began stinging everything in sight.

“The bees stung cops and firefighters who tried to corral them. They buzzed toward nearby businesses and forced them to shut their doors.”

See? They are attacking our bravest and finest, as well as trying to take down the economy (like that needs help). It’s the very definition of total war. It’s time we take the fight to them. Grab a can of Raid and let’s march!


South Pasedena, California, has proclaimed this week and every first week of March hereafter as No Cussing Week.  There are no laws nor any enforcement; it’s just another week title that will probably appear in smarmy day planners soon, somewhere under inspirational quotes about rocks from Anonymous.

You’re probably thinking, “Who the f–k came up with this idea, some f–king kid?” Yeah, he’s 14.

Don’t worry: even though you can’t say bad words, you can still have bad ideas.

Warrior of the Week: Los Angeles

Yes, you read that right. Los Angeles, Calif. is leading the fight against animal-kind, now with a law “requiring most cats and dogs to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old.”

How will this be possible? They are using a van. (No, seriously.)

“Councilman Richard Alarcon, who […] is a co-author of the bill, brought his two pet Chihuahuas to the event to be neutered in a van operated by the city.”

Of course, we are talking about Hollywood here, so there are some shady exceptions, like “those that have competed in shows or sporting competitions, guide dogs, animals used by police agencies and those belonging to professional breeders.”

So, this doesn’t prevent another direct-to-DVD Air Bud, but it is a step that most cowards are too afraid to take in the War on Animals.  Congratulations, LA: you’re our Warrior of the Week.