Packing on the rounds

“And I’m sleepy because of tryptophan, not because I’m drunk. Assh%le.”

As we gear up for extended visits with family, part of those preparations is to stock the fridge or cooler with the sweet, cool nectar of the gods: booze. Of course, alcohol certainly didn’t stop history’s most dysfunctional family, the gods of ancient Greece and Rome, from fighting over turkey legs. And it definitely won’t help you keep off those excess holiday pounds, no matter how much you throw up later.

A recent study shows that the average American consumes about 100 calories of alcohol daily. 20 percent of men and 16 percent of women, however, drink more than 300 calories’ worth a day, proving they’re — in every sense — not lightweights.

So, if you’re trying to cut soda out of your diet with booze this week, you’ll need to cut back on stuffing, too, because a 12-ounce can of Coke has nearly the same amount of calories as the equivalent beer or a 5-ounce glass of wine. Or, you could drink so much that you don’t want to eat at all.

Not so Happy Meal now

The San Francisco city board passed a bill that bans “restaurants from handing out toys with meals that fail to meet basic nutritional standards for fat, calories, and sodium.” The target of the bill is the McDonald’s Happy Meal, which famously lures children in once a week to get the latest plastic movie tie-in.

However, if San Francisco really cared, they’d get rid of McDonald’s Monopoly, which convinces stupid people to eat there every day.

Diarrhea no substitute for bulimea

Taco Bell–which was represented by a chihuahua in their ads until she was ground into chalupas–has unveiled their new campaign: dieting.

If the past decade has been categorized by gritty, violent remakes of crap from the ’90s, then consider this the s#%tty remake of Jared’s Subway diet. TB claims that a woman lost 50 pounds by ordering from their “Fresco” menu daily, keeping her caloric intake below 1300.

Oh, there are so many jokes here …. Let’s just post them in a list:

  • The Fresco menu? You’d lose weight if you ate paintings of food, too.
  • It wasn’t the Taco Bell that was low calorie, but the Tic-Tacs she ate for the rest of the day.
  • In the burrito’s defense, it doesn’t stay in your system long enough to pack on the pounds.
  • Before Taco Bell, this woman never ate lettuce.
  • The Taco Bell diet encourages you to exercise more so that dates can focus on your six-pack abs, even when you smell like you s#%t your pants.
  • We always go for a run after a Gordito … to the bathroom.
  • C’mon, have you ever seen a fat Mexican?
  • We can’t tell you Taco Bell’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices; however, we can tell you that one of those spices is not not tape worm eggs.
  • Why would this woman lie about the dietary benefits of a multimillion dollar international chain of restaurants?

Look, we’re not saying it’s impossible to lose weight by eating Taco Bell. We’re just saying that you might lose even more by not doing so.