Deer semen is the currency of Texas politician’s campaign

Ana Lisa Garza is running for a seat in the Texas House of Representatives, and she’s challenging the long-time occupant of that seat in a primary tomorrow. There’s something different about Garza’s campaign. It’s gotten a lot of donations in the form of deer semen.

For most of the country, deer are a nuisance animal that we need to cull every year so we hit fewer of them with our cars. In Texas, they must not have this problem, because there’s a deer breeding industry. According to a report, Garza’s campaign has received some $51,000 in donation in the form of deer semen in frozen straws. The campaign has probably taken the in-kind donation and then sold the straws to keep as funding.

Fun fact: One “collection” from a buck can fill up to 60 straws.

Newtlemania reaches its logical end

It only took about a week before the country experienced Newt-fatigue, and that’s in a season where, as a nation, we’re content to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story.

What could have brought us to this moment? Was it when Newt signed a pledge to uphold the institution of marriage … this time? Was it Glenn Beck calling anyone who backed Cain and then moved on to Newt a racist? Or, maybe it was Newt’s plan to ease up child labor laws, so teens could learn what it means to work two jobs (so long as you count 6-7 hours a day in school a job) and still not be able to afford to live away from home.

At this point, who could really know why specifically?

Grah! Photoshop smash!

Veritable institutions like the Vatican and the White House are on their toes today because Benetton, an Italian clothing retailer, photoshopped pictures of their leaders kissing their “enemies.”

The Vatican threatened legal action, while Head American Catholic Blogger Bill Donohue blogged some, over a picture of Pope Benedict XVI kissing Imam Ahmed Mohamed el Tayeb. Meanwhile, the White House endured some stupid questions in the press room, this time over the picture of President Obama kissing Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

All in all, Benetton’s “Unhate” campaign has been a success. They’ve only had to pull the picture of the pope, and everyone else has helped make sure we all know the-damn-well who they are. And all it cost was about $200 for a Photoshop license.

What the Donald is going on here?

Donald Trump has finally achieved his goal: getting a look at President Barack Obama’s long -form birth certificate.

This should effectively end Trump’s rumored 2012 run for the presidency now that he finally has enough of Mr. Obama’s personal information to open a new, non-previously bankrupted line of credit.

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Someone gives a s#%t about bumper stickers

At this point, you'd think they'd buy a new damn car.Every election year, millions of people put candidate bumper stickers on their cars. And, for the most part, nobody notices until some McCainiac cuts you off or the sticker’s hilariously outdated.

Good news, though! Somebody is actually paying attention to what you put on your car: politicians.

“During long campaign swings in Virginia’s recent gubernatorial campaign, Bob McDonnell’s staff would count the cars that sported both Obama and McDonnell bumper stickers.”

Congratulations! You’ve made yourself heard … as yet another highway statistic.

Politics: The only professional field for 12-year-olds

Lookit Sarah, all trying to upstage Cindy with that bigger flag pin.You may have noticed that this post is filed under Scury ’08. That’s because this story reaches back that far.

You see, Todd S. Purdum wrote a piece on Sarah Palin’s vice presidential candidacy in the August 2009 Vanity Fair. He focused on insider sources about Palin’s political history, including anonymous sources from within the McCain campaign team, about what vapid, attention-whoring rednecks Palin, her family and close associates are.

Well, then Politico told us that Bill Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard (of which it generally falls short) said he knew which aide it was that gave those quotes: Steve Schmidt.

No, not Steve Schmidt from North High who totally cheated on Becky Corngrave with that slut, Becky Rivers–or what we call “The Beckies Incident.” Steve Schmidt, McCain’s campaign manager.

Anyway, Schmidt was all like, “Who said that, Billy Kristol? Didn’t he tardhang with Dan Quayle? McCain’s my bro; I’d never say that. It was Randy Scheunemann.”

That’s right, the same Randy Scheunemann that left summer camp early, saying he had strep, when really it was because he was too stupid to pack any underwear and you could totally see his balls in his shorts. Anyway, he was McCain’s foreign policy adviser and Kristol’s renowned BFF.

Well, when Kristol heard Schmidt made fun of Scheunemann, he called Schmidt out on it, saying he’s a dick and pretended to be friends with Palin at first because she was cool when she was new, and then backstabbed her.

So, Schmidt said he and this hacker friend of his were looking through all the campaign email systems and found a link from “a very senior member to Bill Kristol.”

Scheuenemann confirmed his email had been hacked and called Schmidt “a f%#king Nazi.”

And then, “Schmidt suggested that Scheunemann had fingered Nicole Wallace.” Ew. I know, right?! He’s such a tool!

Oh, but Wallace swears up and down that she didn’t call Palin a diva. Her steady husband, Mark, says the same thing, but Scheunemann says Mark should know “something about divas because he’s [totally] married to a diva.”

So, as you can see, politics is a very serious business, without which our entire nation would fall apart.

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Whoever will they marry yet?

Oh those crazy Japanese–if it weren’t for you, where would SG be?

In news that’s sure to make fans of Ah-ha think it’s life imitating art, a Japanese man has created a petitioning campaign to make it legal for human beings to marry fictional characters.


Stating that he is “no longer interested in three dimensions” and that he “would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he is a sign that the world has completely gone bonkers. This could create an entire quandary of concerns:

  • If he marries a known character, such as Optimus Prime or Speed Racer, do the rights of ownership stay with the original owners or become his?
  • Since same-sex relationships are not recognized in Japan, what happens if Japan acknowledges the petition, but only allows same-sex marriages to take place?
  • What would be proof of marriage? Fan-fiction? Bad fan-fiction (redundant, I know)?
  • If the creator of the character is still alive, does he get say-so as the “parent”?
  • Is Manga polygamy allowed?
  • Have the Japanese just given up on informal socializing and procreation at this point?

Paris Hilton in 2008

Did you see the television ad from the McCain campaign last week? Paris Hilton certainly did, and was surprised to find herself featured in it, along with Sen. Barack Obama and Britney Spears. The ad, which Sen. John McCain has since defended, paints Obama as a celebrity unworthy of being president.

Normally, the SG Election Team, The Most Greatest Election Coverage Team Since The Dawn of Time®, would not give two hoots about what Hilton is up to, but it seems she has taken the McCain ad to heart and is throwing her hat into the ring.

Hilton has responded this week with her own ad, released online, where she announces that she must be running for president if she is mentioned in an ad, so she might as well start campaigning. Not much is known about Hilton’s politics, or even if she knows that they are, but one thing is certain: she is the first presidential contender to wear lip gloss since Jimmy Carter.