It seems like every time we start having a national conversation about something, there’s always one faction that wonders what the Founding Fathers would say about the issue. This has always struck me as crazy. You know how talking with your grandparents eventually leads to them saying something horribly outdated and makes you feel awkward? Multiply that by five times. That’s how backward those people would be in any conversation by today’s standards. If you were busy beating Canada to win a gold medal this week, odds are you missed it.
“It says here I shouldn’t call you losers”
During a meeting discussing last week’s mass shooting at a high school in Florida, President Donald Trump was caught holding a card with a few empathetic responses, including, “I hear you.” People criticized him for this, but I’m glad he had an empathy card with him. It’s a welcome change from what he normally reads from, Cards Against Humanity.
Second Lady Karen Pence this week at a conservative conference portrayed her husband as a regular guy, who enjoys kicking back on Friday nights with a pizza and some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. You know, a regular guy who calls his wife “mother,” refuses to eat with women who aren’t his wife, and drinks fake beer on his cheat day.
Used to be the pizza guy arrived when the sex started
Speaking of pizza, an adult toy company has just released a smart vibrator that can be, and this is true, order you a pizza after you finish using it. Ladies, save yourselves some money. Get a boyfriend, he’ll gladly pay for pizza after you’re done.
In case you hadn’t heard, hockey is coming back, and the Canadians are simply going crazy about it. In Alberta, one man would say that they’re going too crazy.
In Alberta, someone took Randy Nemirsky’s brand new outhouse, and he wants it back. He and his son reportedly build the outhouse (pronounced “oot-house”) over the summer, and it cost them $1,000 Canadian, as if they have real money. But some hoser took it during the fall, while father and son were away.
The high school yearbook is a sacred tradition. Everyone signs each other’s books, and then no one ever looks at them ever again. But for that narrow window when people are signing, they are also flipping through the pages quickly out of sheer boredom. This is when pranks are found, like, say is someone exposes themselves.
At a Catholic School in Ontario, school officials are handing out stickers to remove nudity from the yearbook that no one noticed until nearly all of the books were handed out. (Canadian schools hand out yearbooks mid-way through the year because families need the fuel for fires in the cold winter months.) Someone on the school’s news team exposed his testicles in their group photo, and now, there’s going to be a sticker covering them.
How many times do schools have to learn? You never take your eyes off those journalism kids.
As a very, very limited number of you may have noticed, there is currently no NHL season because of a dispute between the players and the owners. We know this is devastating to all of you.
The hardest hit are Canadians, who now face not only the prospect of going a year without their beloved sport, but having nothing else to do during winter, the worst time to live in Canada. But the adult toy industry has been benefiting from from the lockout.
Adult toy makers say that their boost in sales this fall, up 15% since October, is a direct result of there being no hockey to watch. The Canucks have managed to find other way to entertain themselves, which could lead to a lockout baby boom.
Since 2001, the U.S. has beefed up border security, which has resulted in a few complications, like American citizens living in the U.S., yet walled off with Mexico. And northern citizens, who have cozied up with Canada over the past couple of centuries, even sharing towns and currency, have argued that there’s no reason to secure both borders. Were it possible to actually eat words, we imagine this argument would taste as shameful as licorice-flavored edible panties from Spencer’s, for animals have discovered America’s most vulnerable spot to attack: Canada.
A Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer — mounted, in this case, in a car — attempted to break up what appeared to be illegal mid-road moose assembly. It turned out to be an ambush, and the officer narrowly escaped with his life after a bull moose charged his trusty steed. The attacker broke off his front bumper, pierced the driver’s side window and injured the officer. Also, it left hoofprints on the roof and trunk, which may have desecrated the Canadian maple leaf if they put those sorts of things on their police cars.
Unfortunately, the RCMP were unable to get their moosesmoosenmeese antlered men, which means these armed and dangerous beasts are heading for our border while we’re distracted with Hurricane Sandy. It’s time to wall off Canada and their animal terrorists for good.
In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?
And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.
Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”
In the War of 1812, the world saw the first skirmish between neighbors in North America: the awesome United States of America versus the royal imperialists known as Canada. Despite their devious tactics of the northern lumberjacks, the US came out the winner.
The year is 2012. 200 years later, Canadians and citizens of the United States of America have begun to clash again. The cause for the war this time? Costco.
Hear this Canadians: you may have given us Dan Ackroyd, but you’ve also given us Tom Green, and we are more than willing to send him back.
Some people are saying that this is the truth, as their “we’re so good and friendly, eh?” image is nothing more than a facade, belying their true nature, that of a tyrannical monster. Other people, mainly those in Canada, are saying that this is an attack upon their country.
Personally, we’d like to see Canada stand up in front of the UN and explain hockey fights to the rest of the world. And Tom Green.
Canada. It’s a country normally known for being fairly polite and nice. Sure, the stereotype is that, despite the abundance of hockey goons, they tend to be well-mannered, which is not a bad thing to type-cast as. Except Canadians are actually a bunch of jerks. And in no surprise, their humor tends to be about a decade behind.
For example, see a junior high school in Grand Marais, Manitoba.
Multiple teenagers are alleging that an adult chaperone tricked them into eating poop. Specifically moose poop. While on a field trip, the man fooled two incredibly dumb kids, telling them that the fecal moose matter was not only just a mixture of wild grass and berries, but also nutritious.
When asked, the man said “Tastes, *snicker* tastes awfully nutty, eh? *snort*”