Tagged: canada

| Filed under Zombies

Canadian cemeteries filling up, that’s how you get zombies

In Dawn of the Dead, we learned that when Hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth. If the same is true for graveyards, Canada is in some serious trouble.

All across Canada, cemeteries are running out of space to bury people. For the past 25 years, Canadian optimism has allowed them to build and build, without actually adding new cemeteries. Since the population of Canada hasn’t dropped, the math is simple. They’re basically playing a massive game of “Musical Chairs” with corpses.

But the real question here is what this will mean for Canada. Will this cause the dead to rise? Will our neighbors to the north be overrun by terribly polite zombies? Stock up on weapons now, just to be safe.

| Filed under Regular Post

Toilet paper and other ways foreign governments enslave their citizens

We’re so worried about how our government is continually stripping us of our basic rights that we forget that other countries’ governments are doing the same thing to their citizens. What say we take a look abroad?

In China, you’re going to have to learn to wipe really efficiently if you use a public restroom. People in Beijing have been stealing toilet paper from public restrooms, and Chinese officials have cracked down in a high-tech way: machines that give you two feet of toilet paper after scanning your face. If that’s not enough TP for you, you’re s$#% out of luck, because the machine won’t let you get more for another nine minutes.

And in fascist-controlled Canada, the province of Nova Scotia won’t let Lorne Grabher put his last name on his license plate. “GRABHER” has been the family’s license plate for a quarter of a century, but the province canceled it in January, deeming it profane.

We’re fairly certain that here in America, our president would proudly support such a plate.

| Filed under War on Education

Canada way ahead of U.S. in meth cooking education

“I am the one who politely knocks.”

Canada is our neighbor to the north, if you believe what the dishonest media says. And it’s no secret that the Canadian education system beats ours in a lot of different ways. They even teach their kids to learn a trade by giving them instructions for cooking drugs.

In Ontario, a teacher has found herself suspended after she assigned homework that included instructions on how to cook and inject crystal meth. The drama teacher reportedly printed out instructions, which included ingredients, for meth, so that her students could create a skit about it.

There have been no reports as to how good the recipe is.

| Filed under Regular Post

Vermont in chaos after maple syrup spill

Our hearts go out to those affected by last night’s horrible tragedy in Vermont last night. We offer our thoughts and prayers as recovery efforts begin.

The northbound lanes of Interstate 91 had to be shut down last night after a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and coated the roadway. Authorities say the incident happened just a few miles away from the Canadian border. We don’t know the origin or destination of the cargo, but it seems reasonable to guess that Vermont’s famous maple syrup was being shipped up to Canada.

With incidents like these, it’s a wonder that Canada doesn’t build a wall to keep this kind of danger out.

| Filed under War on Animals

Squirrels declare war on Christmas

Aside from the Cat in the Hat, most non-human Dr. Seuss characters aren’t a clearly defined animal. But we now know that the Grinch is a squirrel.

In Canada, a town near Toronto has had its holiday nights cut by squirrels, because the real War on Christmas is fought between humans and animals. The town had lights in the trees around one of its parks for all to enjoy during the Christmas season. But now, the park is dark because squirrels have chewed through the wires.

The town is standing strong against the animal onslaught, installing multicolored flood lights to get the park looking festive again.

| Filed under Regular Post

Canadian drivers are too nice, police say

Let it never be said that the police in Prince Edward Island, Canada don’t enjoy their jobs. Fresh off of threatening potential drunk drivers with Nickelback, they now want people to drive more selfishly.

The province is plagued with drivers who are so considerate that they are causing accidents, police say. Drivers are stopping and waving along people making left turns, which can end up in T-bone accidents, and could make the waver liable for insurance costs. That’s why authorities are asking drivers to stop being so nice to each other.

Did you know that turning right on a red light is illegal in Canada? An oppressive regime.

| Filed under Regular Post

Canadian justice: Forced listening to Nickelback

This holiday season, make sure you drink. But also, don’t drive drunk. Police forces ramp up efforts to discourage drinking and driving this time of year, but in Canada, a new tactic is being launched.

One Prince Edward Island town’s police department has promised that anyone pulled over for drunk driving in its jurisdiction will be subjected to listening to Nickelback on the ride to the police station. The police chief said they have an unopened copy of the Canadian “rock” group’s Silver Side Up album–on cassette–and has threatened to use it.

Even police brutality is cute in Canada.

| Filed under War on Animals

Squirrel goes free after trashing house

Squirrels are the worst thing in the world. (Yes, worse than cancer.) They cause car accidents, they cause power outages, they invade our homes, and yet there has never been a single squirrel charged or convicted of its crimes. Go ahead, look it up.

In Canada, a couple returned home from a five-week vacation (remember, this is Canada) to find that their house had been ransacked. Authorities conducted a thorough investigation, and determined that a squirrel got in and ate anything it could.

Of course, after the squirrel was caught and released without a single charge.

| Filed under Zombies

Ottawa overrun by zombies

Road construction signs are no joke, which is why we have to take it seriously when a signs warns of zombies ahead. We regret to inform you that it appears that Ottawa, the seat of the Canadian government, as been overrun by zombies–specifically, zombie dicks.

A construction sign in Ottawa warned drivers of “zombie dicks ahead!” No doubt the exclamation point was to emphasize the eminent danger posed to the city, and Canada as a whole. We’re not clear on why or how this plague is only affecting penises, but it should go without saying that if you see one, do not approach it.

There’s a chance it’s just zombies being dicks, but that would be redundant.

| Filed under War on Animals

Crow has no fear of police, steals knife

Things may be had here, but a single crow is holding the entire Canadian legal system hostage–probably because it knows that law if the foundation of any society.

For years, the citizens of Vancouver, Canada have been leaving in fear of Canuck, a crow that doesn’t seem to fear people at all. He has a following online, and people seem to enjoy catching up on his antics, but this time he went too far by attempting to steal evidence from a crime scene. According to witnesses, Canuck swooped in as police were processing the scene, and took off with a friggin’ knife that police were collecting as evidence. Luckily he didn’t get far with it, and police were able to recover the knife. But there’s no telling what crime scene the bird will tamper with next.

What’s worse is that this demonstrates that the animals are arming themselves with knives in their quest to end humanity.