The 2014 Winter Olympics are in full effect. Sure, you’ve probably heard more stories about the abysmal living conditions and accommodations rather than the actual events themselves, but that’s okay, as this is a story about neither. In fact, it’s actually a pretty great story if you’re in Sochi. MolsonsCoors has gifted the Olympic Village with a beer fridge! It’s full of free beer … if you’re Canadian.
Beer is a global, universal, multi-cultural item that transcends all languages, all borders, all water that may look like it’s hopefully lukewarm Mellow Yellow. To deny such a right to all people not of the Canadian heritage? Poor showing, Canada.
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading →
That this is a crime spree in a country is adorable. What’s even more adorable is that it would seem as if Canada has no fingerprinting system, as no one has mentioned lifting prints off the false wallet. C’mon, son.
There is something that exists in the hearts of all men that dares us to try to do something new. This feeling is why we built the pyramids, why we “discovered” new continents, why we went to the moon. Common knowledge said that it couldn’t be done, and someone finally got the courage to prove common knowledge wrong.
It may end up being the thing that saves or kills mankind, but either way, it will define us. Our thirst for knowledge and new discoveries will continue to drive us as a species. That is why it’s unfortunate that we tend to misuse that feeling. When someone tells us, “You’re a damn fool to try that,” we think we’re just smart enough to try it.
At some point, someone told Jonathan Trappe of North Carolina that he couldn’t travel by balloon solo across the Atlantic Ocean. Continue reading →
If there were any crickets involved in the attack on New York we told you about yesterday, there’s little doubt that they are chirping and bragging away right now. We know this because of science.
A researcher in Ontario (yes, sadly, in Canada), has found that crickets will talk trash through their chirping and dance around before they fight. Also, apparently crickets fight. And when they win, the crickets even brag, which is a clear indication that the concept of sportsmanship can’t be comprehended by the insect brain, or that all crickets are from New Jersey.
Mr. President, members of Congress, please heed my words, today of all days.
It was 150 years ago today that the largest battle ever on North American soil first began. Mostly by accident, the Army of the Potomac and the Army of Northern Virginia bumped into each other on the outskirts of a Pennsylvania town called Gettysburg. What occurred over the next four days became one of the bloodiest days in American history.
The Battle of Gettysburg is known today as the turning point in the Civil War. Many historians point to it as the beginning of the end of the war. Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee’s hopes of a victory in the North were forever dashed. The North became more confident in its troops’ ability to fight. Today, it’s a celebrated battle in literature, television and even movies.
But shouldn’t it be a rallying cry to finally end this “Canada” nonsense once and for all? Continue reading →
People, people, people, you know how it’s been a known fact for the longest time that Canadians are very kind and friendly (perhaps too much), even in the face of a jerk? Well, thanks to just two Canadian women, we don’t think it’s too out of line to now paint their entire country with a different brush.
A mother and daughter team were pulled away at the Detroit-Windsor tunnel on their way to the airport. Why so? Because their heaving bosoms were overflowing, nay, spilling out of their brassieres. Except what was spilling out was actually a lot of money. And by a lot, we mean $59 grand.
All in all, police found $73 grand on them. Even in Canadian currency (which is plastic, smells of syrup and has ducks on it), that’s still a lot of moola. Hope her heaving bosom wasn’t hot enough to melt the evidence.
When it comes to money, Canada seemingly has no idea what it’s doing. First, it puts pictures of animals on its coins, then they decided to make their bills out of polymer rather than paper, and then they decided to put such awe-inspiring events on its $5 and $5 polymer bills as the Canadarm (a space arm thingy) and a train.
And apparently it has accidentally made itself even more Canadian.
Their new money smells like maple syrup. Since the polymer bills began making their way to circulation in late 2011, Canadians have reported that their new bills smell like maple. They were so perplexed that they wrote to their government trying to find out if that’s how it’s supposed to smell.
At least they don’t smell like ham — we mean, Canadian bacon.
Generally, NASCAR is pretty funny. It’s a sport where spectators’ goal is to get a drunk as possible beforehand and then dodge flying debris during. It’s a symbol for life, really. You spend the whole time trying to maintain your buzz, watching people you’ll never be compete for the entertainment of thousands, going in circles all the while. But today, we can’t make fun of racing, because they lost one of their own. Dick Trickle was found dead of an apparent suicide. Stop snickering at his name, you guys. If you were busy explaining to the insurance company about how your car got closed in a gate this week, odds are you missed it.
A city hits rock bottom
Toronto has had an unusually hard week. After battling back in the series to force a game 7, the Maple Leafs fell to the Boston Bruins in overtime. Then it was reported that people are shopping around a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. Your hockey team lost to the Bruins in the first round and your mayor is caught smoking the rock? Congratulations, Toronto, you’re Washington, D.C. in 1990!
From the Hill looking down
It was uncovered this week that IRS agents targeted groups with conservative-sounding names seeking nonprofit status in recent years, which has drawn criticism from conservative lawmakers. Further Congressional hearings were also called investigating last September’s Bengazi attack, which was investigated months ago. The House also voted for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare. Any day now, lawmakers are going to get around to that sequestration thing.
There is not enough soap to get you clean
This week, an anonymous bidder purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9 million dollars. The painting was done in 1991, and Arthur did not sit for the work of art. The bidder reportedly is planning to spend the entire weekend alone in his room.
Booze hounds, it’s time to put your sniffers to work.
In Toronto — wait, hear us out — a liquor store is baffled as to how a rare bottle of scotch was swiped from a locked box. How rare is it? It’s 50-year-old Glenfiddich single malt, and there are only about 50 in existence. The bottle is worth C$2,600, or about $2,400 in real money. According to police, a man between the ages of 35 and 45 was tampering with the lock shortly before he got it open and put the bottle in his trench coat. The man was said to have been wearing black frame glasses.
So, slurring sleuths, it’s off to Toronto to track this guy down. Our suspect is an aging hipster. Finders keepers.