Generally, NASCAR is pretty funny. It’s a sport where spectators’ goal is to get a drunk as possible beforehand and then dodge flying debris during. It’s a symbol for life, really. You spend the whole time trying to maintain your buzz, watching people you’ll never be compete for the entertainment of thousands, going in circles all the while. But today, we can’t make fun of racing, because they lost one of their own. Dick Trickle was found dead of an apparent suicide. Stop snickering at his name, you guys. If you were busy explaining to the insurance company about how your car got closed in a gate this week, odds are you missed it.
A city hits rock bottom
Toronto has had an unusually hard week. After battling back in the series to force a game 7, the Maple Leafs fell to the Boston Bruins in overtime. Then it was reported that people are shopping around a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. Your hockey team lost to the Bruins in the first round and your mayor is caught smoking the rock? Congratulations, Toronto, you’re Washington, D.C. in 1990!
From the Hill looking down
It was uncovered this week that IRS agents targeted groups with conservative-sounding names seeking nonprofit status in recent years, which has drawn criticism from conservative lawmakers. Further Congressional hearings were also called investigating last September’s Bengazi attack, which was investigated months ago. The House also voted for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare. Any day now, lawmakers are going to get around to that sequestration thing.
There is not enough soap to get you clean
This week, an anonymous bidder purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9 million dollars. The painting was done in 1991, and Arthur did not sit for the work of art. The bidder reportedly is planning to spend the entire weekend alone in his room.
Booze hounds, it’s time to put your sniffers to work.
In Toronto — wait, hear us out — a liquor store is baffled as to how a rare bottle of scotch was swiped from a locked box. How rare is it? It’s 50-year-old Glenfiddich single malt, and there are only about 50 in existence. The bottle is worth C$2,600, or about $2,400 in real money. According to police, a man between the ages of 35 and 45 was tampering with the lock shortly before he got it open and put the bottle in his trench coat. The man was said to have been wearing black frame glasses.
So, slurring sleuths, it’s off to Toronto to track this guy down. Our suspect is an aging hipster. Finders keepers.
A town in British Columbia, which, as we understand it, is neither British nor Colombian, has a pigeon problem. It’s really serious, you guys. They poop a lot, if you haven’t heard. Rather than solve things the American way by shooting them or releasing hawks to kill the bastards, the town wants to provide birth control for the pests.
The plan is to feed the birds a drug that will eventually make them sterile. This is what the War on Animals could look like in Obama’s America.
In case you hadn’t heard, hockey is coming back, and the Canadians are simply going crazy about it. In Alberta, one man would say that they’re going too crazy.
In Alberta, someone took Randy Nemirsky’s brand new outhouse, and he wants it back. He and his son reportedly build the outhouse (pronounced “oot-house”) over the summer, and it cost them $1,000 Canadian, as if they have real money. But some hoser took it during the fall, while father and son were away.
The high school yearbook is a sacred tradition. Everyone signs each other’s books, and then no one ever looks at them ever again. But for that narrow window when people are signing, they are also flipping through the pages quickly out of sheer boredom. This is when pranks are found, like, say is someone exposes themselves.
At a Catholic School in Ontario, school officials are handing out stickers to remove nudity from the yearbook that no one noticed until nearly all of the books were handed out. (Canadian schools hand out yearbooks mid-way through the year because families need the fuel for fires in the cold winter months.) Someone on the school’s news team exposed his testicles in their group photo, and now, there’s going to be a sticker covering them.
How many times do schools have to learn? You never take your eyes off those journalism kids.
As a very, very limited number of you may have noticed, there is currently no NHL season because of a dispute between the players and the owners. We know this is devastating to all of you.
The hardest hit are Canadians, who now face not only the prospect of going a year without their beloved sport, but having nothing else to do during winter, the worst time to live in Canada. But the adult toy industry has been benefiting from from the lockout.
Adult toy makers say that their boost in sales this fall, up 15% since October, is a direct result of there being no hockey to watch. The Canucks have managed to find other way to entertain themselves, which could lead to a lockout baby boom.
Since 2001, the U.S. has beefed up border security, which has resulted in a few complications, like American citizens living in the U.S., yet walled off with Mexico. And northern citizens, who have cozied up with Canada over the past couple of centuries, even sharing towns and currency, have argued that there’s no reason to secure both borders. Were it possible to actually eat words, we imagine this argument would taste as shameful as licorice-flavored edible panties from Spencer’s, for animals have discovered America’s most vulnerable spot to attack: Canada.
A Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer — mounted, in this case, in a car — attempted to break up what appeared to be illegal mid-road moose assembly. It turned out to be an ambush, and the officer narrowly escaped with his life after a bull moose charged his trusty steed. The attacker broke off his front bumper, pierced the driver’s side window and injured the officer. Also, it left hoofprints on the roof and trunk, which may have desecrated the Canadian maple leaf if they put those sorts of things on their police cars.
Unfortunately, the RCMP were unable to get their moosesmoosenmeese antlered men, which means these armed and dangerous beasts are heading for our border while we’re distracted with Hurricane Sandy. It’s time to wall off Canada and their animal terrorists for good.
In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?
And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.
Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”
In the War of 1812, the world saw the first skirmish between neighbors in North America: the awesome United States of America versus the royal imperialists known as Canada. Despite their devious tactics of the northern lumberjacks, the US came out the winner.
The year is 2012. 200 years later, Canadians and citizens of the United States of America have begun to clash again. The cause for the war this time? Costco.
Hear this Canadians: you may have given us Dan Ackroyd, but you’ve also given us Tom Green, and we are more than willing to send him back.