There is something that exists in the hearts of all men that dares us to try to do something new. This feeling is why we built the pyramids, why we “discovered” new continents, why we went to the moon. Common knowledge said that it couldn’t be done, and someone finally got the courage to prove common knowledge wrong.
It may end up being the thing that saves or kills mankind, but either way, it will define us. Our thirst for knowledge and new discoveries will continue to drive us as a species. That is why it’s unfortunate that we tend to misuse that feeling. When someone tells us, “You’re a damn fool to try that,” we think we’re just smart enough to try it.
At some point, someone told Jonathan Trappe of North Carolina that he couldn’t travel by balloon solo across the Atlantic Ocean. Continue reading →
If there were any crickets involved in the attack on New York we told you about yesterday, there’s little doubt that they are chirping and bragging away right now. We know this because of science.
A researcher in Ontario (yes, sadly, in Canada), has found that crickets will talk trash through their chirping and dance around before they fight. Also, apparently crickets fight. And when they win, the crickets even brag, which is a clear indication that the concept of sportsmanship can’t be comprehended by the insect brain, or that all crickets are from New Jersey.
Mr. President, members of Congress, please heed my words, today of all days.
It was 150 years ago today that the largest battle ever on North American soil first began. Mostly by accident, the Army of the Potomac and the Army of Northern Virginia bumped into each other on the outskirts of a Pennsylvania town called Gettysburg. What occurred over the next four days became one of the bloodiest days in American history.
The Battle of Gettysburg is known today as the turning point in the Civil War. Many historians point to it as the beginning of the end of the war. Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee’s hopes of a victory in the North were forever dashed. The North became more confident in its troops’ ability to fight. Today, it’s a celebrated battle in literature, television and even movies.
But shouldn’t it be a rallying cry to finally end this “Canada” nonsense once and for all? Continue reading →
People, people, people, you know how it’s been a known fact for the longest time that Canadians are very kind and friendly (perhaps too much), even in the face of a jerk? Well, thanks to just two Canadian women, we don’t think it’s too out of line to now paint their entire country with a different brush.
A mother and daughter team were pulled away at the Detroit-Windsor tunnel on their way to the airport. Why so? Because their heaving bosoms were overflowing, nay, spilling out of their brassieres. Except what was spilling out was actually a lot of money. And by a lot, we mean $59 grand.
All in all, police found $73 grand on them. Even in Canadian currency (which is plastic, smells of syrup and has ducks on it), that’s still a lot of moola. Hope her heaving bosom wasn’t hot enough to melt the evidence.
When it comes to money, Canada seemingly has no idea what it’s doing. First, it puts pictures of animals on its coins, then they decided to make their bills out of polymer rather than paper, and then they decided to put such awe-inspiring events on its $5 and $5 polymer bills as the Canadarm (a space arm thingy) and a train.
And apparently it has accidentally made itself even more Canadian.
Their new money smells like maple syrup. Since the polymer bills began making their way to circulation in late 2011, Canadians have reported that their new bills smell like maple. They were so perplexed that they wrote to their government trying to find out if that’s how it’s supposed to smell.
At least they don’t smell like ham — we mean, Canadian bacon.
Generally, NASCAR is pretty funny. It’s a sport where spectators’ goal is to get a drunk as possible beforehand and then dodge flying debris during. It’s a symbol for life, really. You spend the whole time trying to maintain your buzz, watching people you’ll never be compete for the entertainment of thousands, going in circles all the while. But today, we can’t make fun of racing, because they lost one of their own. Dick Trickle was found dead of an apparent suicide. Stop snickering at his name, you guys. If you were busy explaining to the insurance company about how your car got closed in a gate this week, odds are you missed it.
A city hits rock bottom
Toronto has had an unusually hard week. After battling back in the series to force a game 7, the Maple Leafs fell to the Boston Bruins in overtime. Then it was reported that people are shopping around a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. Your hockey team lost to the Bruins in the first round and your mayor is caught smoking the rock? Congratulations, Toronto, you’re Washington, D.C. in 1990!
From the Hill looking down
It was uncovered this week that IRS agents targeted groups with conservative-sounding names seeking nonprofit status in recent years, which has drawn criticism from conservative lawmakers. Further Congressional hearings were also called investigating last September’s Bengazi attack, which was investigated months ago. The House also voted for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare. Any day now, lawmakers are going to get around to that sequestration thing.
There is not enough soap to get you clean
This week, an anonymous bidder purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9 million dollars. The painting was done in 1991, and Arthur did not sit for the work of art. The bidder reportedly is planning to spend the entire weekend alone in his room.
Booze hounds, it’s time to put your sniffers to work.
In Toronto — wait, hear us out — a liquor store is baffled as to how a rare bottle of scotch was swiped from a locked box. How rare is it? It’s 50-year-old Glenfiddich single malt, and there are only about 50 in existence. The bottle is worth C$2,600, or about $2,400 in real money. According to police, a man between the ages of 35 and 45 was tampering with the lock shortly before he got it open and put the bottle in his trench coat. The man was said to have been wearing black frame glasses.
So, slurring sleuths, it’s off to Toronto to track this guy down. Our suspect is an aging hipster. Finders keepers.
A town in British Columbia, which, as we understand it, is neither British nor Colombian, has a pigeon problem. It’s really serious, you guys. They poop a lot, if you haven’t heard. Rather than solve things the American way by shooting them or releasing hawks to kill the bastards, the town wants to provide birth control for the pests.
The plan is to feed the birds a drug that will eventually make them sterile. This is what the War on Animals could look like in Obama’s America.
In case you hadn’t heard, hockey is coming back, and the Canadians are simply going crazy about it. In Alberta, one man would say that they’re going too crazy.
In Alberta, someone took Randy Nemirsky’s brand new outhouse, and he wants it back. He and his son reportedly build the outhouse (pronounced “oot-house”) over the summer, and it cost them $1,000 Canadian, as if they have real money. But some hoser took it during the fall, while father and son were away.