If animals can’t kill or injure you, they will try to ruin your life by getting you arrested. It’s just a fact.
Police in Ontario responded to a man’s house after neighbors reported sounds of a domestic disturbance going on inside. You know it’s bad when your neighbors can hear your argument. What they found they weren’t prepared for.
Authorities said they found the man inside his house screaming death threats at his pet parrot. The man had apparently had a few drinks, and told the officers that the parrot had been yelling at him, and he was simply responding in kind. But of course, the parrot kept its mouth shit around the officers. Luckily, the man wasn’t charged.
For as long as there has been a United States of America, there has been a Canada sitting on top of it. Except for that time when there were two Canadas. I think there was a War Between the Provinces or something, I’m not up on Canadian history. But Canada has been there for a really, really long time.
It’s been there in our time of need. The Canadians were there to supply us with booze when Americans decided that we should all stop drinking for some reason. It has also given us some great comedians and mostly crappy musicians, all while letting us film our movies and TV shows there for tax purposes.
So it seems natural that we would see it as a place of refuge today. But you really need to stop that nonsense. You’re not moving to Canada. Continue reading →
In Nova Scotia, Canada, firefighters rushed to the scene of a grass fire this week, probably because there aren’t many building there to catch fire. When they hooked up the hose to a fire hydrant, no water came out. They later found that the hydrant was completely clogged with fish.
The good news here is that we’re still finding new ways to kill fish, but the bad news is that this tactic could put us all in danger.
Smuggling isn’t as cool as it once was. In the 1920s, smuggling in booze was a cool and respected job. Now, it doesn’t really matter. We can’t even feel cool smuggling in Cuban cigars anymore. (Thanks, Obama.)
But smuggling in drugs can be at least entertaining when they get busted. Earlier this week, U.S. Border Patrol agents discovered a ton of marijuana being smuggled from Mexico in a truck. The pot was being shipped in containers made to look like hundreds and hundreds of carrots. Nice try, drug smugglers, everyone knows Americans don’t eat carrots. Maybe you should make fake cheeseburgers.
Did you know that they celebrate Halloween in Canada, too? It’s true. And unlike their so-called “Thanksgiving,” they celebrate Halloween on Oct. 31, just to be more like America.
One big difference is that they give out candy at pharmacies. That’s how trick-or-treaters were accidentally treated to some bipolar medicine. Authorities in Quebec City say a woman picked up some bipolar medicine for her son, but dropped it at the pharmacy. Another customer saw it and put it next to a candy jar. Somehow, an employee put the pills in with the candy.
There are many differences between the U.S. and Canada, but we have many more similarities. For example, we hate our legislatures.
The sergeant-at-arms of the Saskatchewan legislature wants party buses to stop encouraging their customers to pee on the side of the building. Apparently, the first incident was noticed on camera four years ago, and it’s been a steady stream ever since. There’s no ordinance against public urination in the provincial capital of Regina, so the police can’t really do anything about it.
Fun fact: Regina, when correctly pronounced, rhymes with “vagina.”
And now we turn to Canada, where people want to be fish.
It’s cold up there 11 months out of the year, so it can be a challenge for middle-aged Canadians to find ways to stay fit. In what can only be described as a wave of madness sweeping the country, women are taking a class to swim like mermaids. They slide into some flexible mermaid tails of some kind, and learn how to swim with them.
The imminent threat here is that these people want to be half human and half fish. That would divide their loyalties in the War on Animals. We cannot allow this to happen.
Take a moment today, and every day, to be thankful for how lucky you are to live in a free country and not under an oppressive regime like Canada.
The Canadian province of Saskatchewan has banned strip clubs, under trumped up concerns of human trafficking. That means there is officially nothing to do in Saskatchewan. The licenses of all strip clubs there have been revoked — except if the stripping is being done for charity.
When strip clubs are made illegal, only criminals will have strip clubs.
Pat Martin told the House of Commons that he accidentally bought underwear a size too small, and he bought a lot because they were half price. The problem is that it’s uncomfortable for him to sit down. That’s exactly why John Boehner goes commando.
We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading →