Tagged: canada

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Birds get so drunk that they can’t fly

In the wilderness, you have problems you just don’t see anywhere else. When you live in the wilderness of Yukon, Canada, things get even weirder–like drunken-birds weird.

Birds are getting drunk on berries that have been fermented by frost. They get so drunk that they can’t fly correctly, and fly into people’s windows, houses and cars. The drunken onslaught is likely to continue until either the berries are gone, or the birds join AA.

In other news, you can totally get drunk off of frost-fermented berries.

| Filed under War on Animals

Canadian politeness ends with bears

We make fun of Canadian stereotypes often (mostly because they’re true), and yes, they have cursed the world with Justin Bieber and Tom Green and Avril Lavigne and Nickelback, and their money is both plastic and has animals on it, but they’re okay enough people. They’re nice enough to us, if perhaps just a little too smarmy for their own good.

Apparently their bears never got the memo about being polite. One man came home to find a note on his mailbox from the postal service. His mail carrier was unable to deliver his mail (which we all hate when that happens) because a bear was at the door. That will tend to prevent the mail from making it.

The mail system is one of the last bastions of joy in this world. Everyone enjoys the feeling of getting something awesome in the mail. That bears are attempting to take away that joy just shows how crucial it is that we must win this war.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Burger King wants taxes their way

The signs of their future Bendict Arnold-eque betrayal were there from the beginning with their obvious British loyalist corporate leanings.
The signs of their future Bendict Arnold-eque betrayal were there from the beginning with their obvious British loyalist corporate leanings.

There are few things more American than a beef sandwich (which is British) named after a town in Germany. But it looks like Burger King, after helping make America bigger for over 60 years, may take its Whopper north to Canada.

BK is looking to buy Tim Hortons, which is basically their Dunkin Donuts, but with cashiers who speak French instead of Spanish. Should the deal go through, then reports indicate that BK would move its headquarters to Canada. This inversion deal would allow BK to continue less-than-subtly trolling the Big Mac with its Big King in the U.S. without paying U.S. corporate taxes.

We, of course, should have foreseen BK’s Benedict Arnold-esque retreat to Canada. By not naming any of their burgers after their weight in pounds, they won’t have to rebrand any products in their new metric system-using home.

| Filed under Regular Post

Does everyone in Canada collect body parts?

We’ve long thought of Canadian as being polite and peaceful people. But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe those long winters are making them crazy, like dangerously so. We’re saying they collect body parts, OK?

An Alberta man was cleaning out some stuff in his family’s garage when he found something from his past. It was a human skull in a box, and not Gweneth Paltrow’s. He immediately remembered the skull from his childhood. It used to give him nightmares. His father won it in a card game back in the 1960s or 1970s. Because that’s normal. Now, police are trying to find more information about the skull so they can figure out what to do with it.

Let’s also keep in mind that there’s a bar in Yukon, Canada, that served drinks with preserved toes in them, until someone swallowed the last one in 2013.

| Filed under War on Animals

Beaver tries to kill an entire family

As much as we may make fun of Canadians for being so Canadian, at least their police forces know who the enemy is.

Some tourists, two parents and two infants, were enjoying a nice drive on Prince Edward Island when a tree fell onto their car. Luckily, the occupants weren’t hurt, but the car roof and windshield were damaged. An investigation found that a beaver had cut down the tree, perhaps even timing it to hit the car.

Authorities actually said that “the beaver is still at large,” which seems to mean they want it to answer for its crime.

| Filed under Booze News

Come and get your beer, Canada

President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper placed a friendly wager on the outcome of the U.S.-Canada men’s and women’s ice hockey outcomes when the teams faced each other in Sochi last month. The winner would get a case of beer from the loser’s home country. The five of you out there who care about hockey may also recall that the U.S. teams of both genders both lost. That means Obama owes Harper two cases of beer

But he hasn’t paid up yet.

Finally, Obama’s doing something truly American: not admitting that we lost. We did that in the War of 1812 (we got our asses handed to us, but got a sweet treaty), the Korean War (draw), and Vietnam (Rambo doesn’t count), and we’re doing it again! Mr. Harper, if you want some of America’s finest beer, why don’t you come down here and take it from us.

| Filed under Booze News

Oh, Canada. Ohhhhhhh Canada.

The 2014 Winter Olympics are in full effect. Sure, you’ve probably heard more stories about the abysmal living conditions and accommodations rather than the actual events themselves, but that’s okay, as this is a story about neither. In fact, it’s actually a pretty great story if you’re in Sochi. MolsonsCoors has gifted the Olympic Village with a beer fridge! It’s full of free beer … if you’re Canadian.

Beer is a global, universal, multi-cultural item that transcends all languages, all borders, all water that may look like it’s hopefully lukewarm Mellow Yellow. To deny such a right to all people not of the Canadian heritage? Poor showing, Canada.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.

January

Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading

| Filed under Regular Post

Canada’s worst crime spree since Brandon got laid out by a moose, don’tcha know

Canada is so adorable.

Currently, they’re experiencing the single greatest criminal mastermind to ever grace their cold, Caucasian ground: an expert dine and dasher. The scourge of waiters has hit three fine dining establishments in Calgary. His typical pattern is to walk in wearing a three piece suit, order cocktails, a moderately priced bottle of wine, appetizers and an entree. He then leaves his wallet on the table in order to use the restroom, except he never comes back! And the wallet is filled not with identification, but magazine clippings! What an outright hoser, eh? He’s a real lout.

That this is a crime spree in a country is adorable. What’s even more adorable is that it would seem as if Canada has no fingerprinting system, as no one has mentioned lifting prints off the false wallet. C’mon, son.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Searching for France, finding Newfoundland

There is something that exists in the hearts of all men that dares us to try to do something new. This feeling is why we built the pyramids, why we “discovered” new continents, why we went to the moon. Common knowledge said that it couldn’t be done, and someone finally got the courage to prove common knowledge wrong.

It may end up being the thing that saves or kills mankind, but either way, it will define us. Our thirst for knowledge and new discoveries will continue to drive us as a species. That is why it’s unfortunate that we tend to misuse that feeling. When someone tells us, “You’re a damn fool to try that,” we think we’re just smart enough to try it.

At some point, someone told Jonathan Trappe of North Carolina that he couldn’t travel by balloon solo across the Atlantic Ocean. Continue reading