Tagged: canada

| Filed under War on Animals

Grown-ass women want to be mermaids apparently

And now we turn to Canada, where people want to be fish.

It’s cold up there 11 months out of the year, so it can be a challenge for middle-aged Canadians to find ways to stay fit. In what can only be described as a wave of madness sweeping the country, women are taking a class to swim like mermaids. They slide into some flexible mermaid tails of some kind, and learn how to swim with them.

The imminent threat here is that these people want to be half human and half fish. That would divide their loyalties in the War on Animals. We cannot allow this to happen.

| Filed under Stripper News

Saskatchewan bans non-charity stripping

Take a moment today, and every day, to be thankful for how lucky you are to live in a free country and not under an oppressive regime like Canada.

The Canadian province of Saskatchewan has banned strip clubs, under trumped up concerns of human trafficking. That means there is officially nothing to do in Saskatchewan. The licenses of all strip clubs there have been revoked — except if the stripping is being done for charity.

When strip clubs are made illegal, only criminals will have strip clubs.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Canadian lawmaker misses vote because of underwear

Sure, Congress sucks. They can’t get anything done and everyone hates them. But it could be worse. At least they’re not a parliament.

Earlier this week, you saw members of Turkey’s parliament fight during a discussion of a controversial bill, but we’ve got something worse. In Canada, a member of parliament was forced to leave his seat during a vote because his underwear was too small, in what might be the highest-profile humblebrag Canada has ever seen.

Pat Martin told the House of Commons that he accidentally bought underwear a size too small, and he bought a lot because they were half price. The problem is that it’s uncomfortable for him to sit down. That’s exactly why John Boehner goes commando.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading

| Filed under Booze News

Canadian Navy no longer has beer machines on its ships

It’s probably fun to serve in the Canadian Navy. You just hang out with a bunch of your buddies on a cruise and occasionally shoot at polar bears, we assume. But it’s going to be a little less cool now.

Canadian sailors won’t be allowed to drink when they are off duty any more. In fact, they can only drink on special occasions with the captain’s permission. Apparently they had beer vending machines on their ships, which is an awesome idea, but no longer.

In the Canadian Navy, you can sail the sober seas.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Birds get so drunk that they can’t fly

In the wilderness, you have problems you just don’t see anywhere else. When you live in the wilderness of Yukon, Canada, things get even weirder–like drunken-birds weird.

Birds are getting drunk on berries that have been fermented by frost. They get so drunk that they can’t fly correctly, and fly into people’s windows, houses and cars. The drunken onslaught is likely to continue until either the berries are gone, or the birds join AA.

In other news, you can totally get drunk off of frost-fermented berries.

| Filed under War on Animals

Canadian politeness ends with bears

We make fun of Canadian stereotypes often (mostly because they’re true), and yes, they have cursed the world with Justin Bieber and Tom Green and Avril Lavigne and Nickelback, and their money is both plastic and has animals on it, but they’re okay enough people. They’re nice enough to us, if perhaps just a little too smarmy for their own good.

Apparently their bears never got the memo about being polite. One man came home to find a note on his mailbox from the postal service. His mail carrier was unable to deliver his mail (which we all hate when that happens) because a bear was at the door. That will tend to prevent the mail from making it.

The mail system is one of the last bastions of joy in this world. Everyone enjoys the feeling of getting something awesome in the mail. That bears are attempting to take away that joy just shows how crucial it is that we must win this war.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Burger King wants taxes their way

The signs of their future Bendict Arnold-eque betrayal were there from the beginning with their obvious British loyalist corporate leanings.
The signs of their future Bendict Arnold-eque betrayal were there from the beginning with their obvious British loyalist corporate leanings.

There are few things more American than a beef sandwich (which is British) named after a town in Germany. But it looks like Burger King, after helping make America bigger for over 60 years, may take its Whopper north to Canada.

BK is looking to buy Tim Hortons, which is basically their Dunkin Donuts, but with cashiers who speak French instead of Spanish. Should the deal go through, then reports indicate that BK would move its headquarters to Canada. This inversion deal would allow BK to continue less-than-subtly trolling the Big Mac with its Big King in the U.S. without paying U.S. corporate taxes.

We, of course, should have foreseen BK’s Benedict Arnold-esque retreat to Canada. By not naming any of their burgers after their weight in pounds, they won’t have to rebrand any products in their new metric system-using home.

| Filed under Regular Post

Does everyone in Canada collect body parts?

We’ve long thought of Canadian as being polite and peaceful people. But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe those long winters are making them crazy, like dangerously so. We’re saying they collect body parts, OK?

An Alberta man was cleaning out some stuff in his family’s garage when he found something from his past. It was a human skull in a box, and not Gweneth Paltrow’s. He immediately remembered the skull from his childhood. It used to give him nightmares. His father won it in a card game back in the 1960s or 1970s. Because that’s normal. Now, police are trying to find more information about the skull so they can figure out what to do with it.

Let’s also keep in mind that there’s a bar in Yukon, Canada, that served drinks with preserved toes in them, until someone swallowed the last one in 2013.

| Filed under War on Animals

Beaver tries to kill an entire family

As much as we may make fun of Canadians for being so Canadian, at least their police forces know who the enemy is.

Some tourists, two parents and two infants, were enjoying a nice drive on Prince Edward Island when a tree fell onto their car. Luckily, the occupants weren’t hurt, but the car roof and windshield were damaged. An investigation found that a beaver had cut down the tree, perhaps even timing it to hit the car.

Authorities actually said that “the beaver is still at large,” which seems to mean they want it to answer for its crime.