A lot of poop news to take care of

Or he’s retiring to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits from the “South Park” creators.

We took a week off (and our layout seems to have taken an extended vacation), so you might have missed some of the most important world news–namely, poop news. We’re backed up with poop news, so let’s bear down and get through it.

Canada is in shock after the beloved Mr. Floatie announced his retirement from public life. Mr. Floatie, a turd mascot with a face, white gloves and a sailor hat (really), has been an icon in Victoria, British Columbia since 2004. He called attention to the city’s practice of dumping raw sewage into the ocean. Now, with the city building a sewage treatment plant, his job is done. The poop mascot was the hero his city needed. We will miss you, Mr. Floatie.

In Venezuela, there’s more than just political activism in the air. The country’s National Guard reported that rioters threw bottles filled with feces and water at them during a protest last week. The devices are called “poopootov cocktails,” obviously in homage to the great Soviet General Vasily Poopootov, who helped push back the Nazi invasion during World War II by flinging poop at German forces.

Syringe bird nests mark first positive of opioid epidemic

The opioid epidemic that is gutting communities throughout the U.S. doesn’t stop at the border. Canada is dealing with the crisis, too. There’s nothing funny about a crippling addition to opioids — well, maybe the constipation.

In any case, there’s a rare bit of light coming from, Vancouver, where authorities have found a bird’s nest made out of used syringes. The discovery was made in an unoccupied room of a seedy hotel in Vancouver’s opioid hotspot. A sink with dozens of syringes in it is home to three pigeon eggs.

Then again, if this leads to a boom in the pigeon population across North America, we’re all screwed.

Canada apologizes, recalls high-proof gin for being too awesome

There is a land, a magical land, where your favorite booze is twice as strong as it used to be. And for a short time, that wonderful land was Canada.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency announced that it is recalling 1.14 liter bottles (Really? 1.14 liters?) of Bombay Sapphire gin because it’s a higher proof than what the label says. It’s supposed to be 80 proof, but the bottles in question are more like 154 proof because they weren’t diluted properly. This means that unless they are foolish enough to return their treasures, some lucky Canadians are going to really enjoy the NHL playoffs.

The Guys are already planning a road trip.

Canadian cemeteries filling up, that’s how you get zombies

In Dawn of the Dead, we learned that when Hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth. If the same is true for graveyards, Canada is in some serious trouble.

All across Canada, cemeteries are running out of space to bury people. For the past 25 years, Canadian optimism has allowed them to build and build, without actually adding new cemeteries. Since the population of Canada hasn’t dropped, the math is simple. They’re basically playing a massive game of “Musical Chairs” with corpses.

But the real question here is what this will mean for Canada. Will this cause the dead to rise? Will our neighbors to the north be overrun by terribly polite zombies? Stock up on weapons now, just to be safe.

Toilet paper and other ways foreign governments enslave their citizens

We’re so worried about how our government is continually stripping us of our basic rights that we forget that other countries’ governments are doing the same thing to their citizens. What say we take a look abroad?

In China, you’re going to have to learn to wipe really efficiently if you use a public restroom. People in Beijing have been stealing toilet paper from public restrooms, and Chinese officials have cracked down in a high-tech way: machines that give you two feet of toilet paper after scanning your face. If that’s not enough TP for you, you’re s$#% out of luck, because the machine won’t let you get more for another nine minutes.

And in fascist-controlled Canada, the province of Nova Scotia won’t let Lorne Grabher put his last name on his license plate. “GRABHER” has been the family’s license plate for a quarter of a century, but the province canceled it in January, deeming it profane.

We’re fairly certain that here in America, our president would proudly support such a plate.

Canada way ahead of U.S. in meth cooking education

“I am the one who politely knocks.”

Canada is our neighbor to the north, if you believe what the dishonest media says. And it’s no secret that the Canadian education system beats ours in a lot of different ways. They even teach their kids to learn a trade by giving them instructions for cooking drugs.

In Ontario, a teacher has found herself suspended after she assigned homework that included instructions on how to cook and inject crystal meth. The drama teacher reportedly printed out instructions, which included ingredients, for meth, so that her students could create a skit about it.

There have been no reports as to how good the recipe is.

Vermont in chaos after maple syrup spill

Our hearts go out to those affected by last night’s horrible tragedy in Vermont last night. We offer our thoughts and prayers as recovery efforts begin.

The northbound lanes of Interstate 91 had to be shut down last night after a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and coated the roadway. Authorities say the incident happened just a few miles away from the Canadian border. We don’t know the origin or destination of the cargo, but it seems reasonable to guess that Vermont’s famous maple syrup was being shipped up to Canada.

With incidents like these, it’s a wonder that Canada doesn’t build a wall to keep this kind of danger out.

Squirrels declare war on Christmas

Aside from the Cat in the Hat, most non-human Dr. Seuss characters aren’t a clearly defined animal. But we now know that the Grinch is a squirrel.

In Canada, a town near Toronto has had its holiday nights cut by squirrels, because the real War on Christmas is fought between humans and animals. The town had lights in the trees around one of its parks for all to enjoy during the Christmas season. But now, the park is dark because squirrels have chewed through the wires.

The town is standing strong against the animal onslaught, installing multicolored flood lights to get the park looking festive again.

Canadian drivers are too nice, police say

Let it never be said that the police in Prince Edward Island, Canada don’t enjoy their jobs. Fresh off of threatening potential drunk drivers with Nickelback, they now want people to drive more selfishly.

The province is plagued with drivers who are so considerate that they are causing accidents, police say. Drivers are stopping and waving along people making left turns, which can end up in T-bone accidents, and could make the waver liable for insurance costs. That’s why authorities are asking drivers to stop being so nice to each other.

Did you know that turning right on a red light is illegal in Canada? An oppressive regime.

Canadian justice: Forced listening to Nickelback

This holiday season, make sure you drink. But also, don’t drive drunk. Police forces ramp up efforts to discourage drinking and driving this time of year, but in Canada, a new tactic is being launched.

One Prince Edward Island town’s police department has promised that anyone pulled over for drunk driving in its jurisdiction will be subjected to listening to Nickelback on the ride to the police station. The police chief said they have an unopened copy of the Canadian “rock” group’s Silver Side Up album–on cassette–and has threatened to use it.

Even police brutality is cute in Canada.