We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading →
It’s probably fun to serve in the Canadian Navy. You just hang out with a bunch of your buddies on a cruise and occasionally shoot at polar bears, we assume. But it’s going to be a little less cool now.
We make fun of Canadian stereotypes often (mostly because they’re true), and yes, they have cursed the world with Justin Bieber and Tom Green and Avril Lavigne and Nickelback, and their money is both plastic and has animals on it, but they’re okay enough people. They’re nice enough to us, if perhaps just a little too smarmy for their own good.
The mail system is one of the last bastions of joy in this world. Everyone enjoys the feeling of getting something awesome in the mail. That bears are attempting to take away that joy just shows how crucial it is that we must win this war.
There are few things more American than a beef sandwich (which is British) named after a town in Germany. But it looks like Burger King, after helping make America bigger for over 60 years, may take its Whopper north to Canada.
BK is looking to buy Tim Hortons, which is basically their Dunkin Donuts, but with cashiers who speak French instead of Spanish. Should the deal go through, then reports indicate that BK would move its headquarters to Canada. This inversion deal would allow BK to continue less-than-subtly trolling the Big Mac with its Big King in the U.S. without paying U.S. corporate taxes.
We, of course, should have foreseen BK’s Benedict Arnold-esque retreat to Canada. By not naming any of their burgers after their weight in pounds, they won’t have to rebrand any products in their new metric system-using home.
We’ve long thought of Canadian as being polite and peaceful people. But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe those long winters are making them crazy, like dangerously so. We’re saying they collect body parts, OK?
An Alberta man was cleaning out some stuff in his family’s garage when he found something from his past. It was a human skull in a box, and not Gweneth Paltrow’s. He immediately remembered the skull from his childhood. It used to give him nightmares. His father won it in a card game back in the 1960s or 1970s. Because that’s normal. Now, police are trying to find more information about the skull so they can figure out what to do with it.
As much as we may make fun of Canadians for being so Canadian, at least their police forces know who the enemy is.
Some tourists, two parents and two infants, were enjoying a nice drive on Prince Edward Island when a tree fell onto their car. Luckily, the occupants weren’t hurt, but the car roof and windshield were damaged. An investigation found that a beaver had cut down the tree, perhaps even timing it to hit the car.
Authorities actually said that “the beaver is still at large,” which seems to mean they want it to answer for its crime.
President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper placed a friendly wager on the outcome of the U.S.-Canada men’s and women’s ice hockey outcomes when the teams faced each other in Sochi last month. The winner would get a case of beer from the loser’s home country. The five of you out there who care about hockey may also recall that the U.S. teams of both genders both lost. That means Obama owes Harper two cases of beer
Finally, Obama’s doing something truly American: not admitting that we lost. We did that in the War of 1812 (we got our asses handed to us, but got a sweet treaty), the Korean War (draw), and Vietnam (Rambo doesn’t count), and we’re doing it again! Mr. Harper, if you want some of America’s finest beer, why don’t you come down here and take it from us.
The 2014 Winter Olympics are in full effect. Sure, you’ve probably heard more stories about the abysmal living conditions and accommodations rather than the actual events themselves, but that’s okay, as this is a story about neither. In fact, it’s actually a pretty great story if you’re in Sochi. MolsonsCoors has gifted the Olympic Village with a beer fridge! It’s full of free beer … if you’re Canadian.
Beer is a global, universal, multi-cultural item that transcends all languages, all borders, all water that may look like it’s hopefully lukewarm Mellow Yellow. To deny such a right to all people not of the Canadian heritage? Poor showing, Canada.
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading →