Just wait until they get to The Butter Battle Book

In a British Columbia town in Canada, Yertle rhymes with turtle, and along with that, rhymes with “banned messages that can no longer be taught to first grade and highly impressionable children” and “proletariat inspiration for the working class educators.”

So, Theodor Geisel’s got that going for his legacy.

Beware of sea aliens

Just past a year following the earthquake and tsunami that wrecked Tohoku, one of the largest single pieces of debris from the disaster has crossed the ocean, a full-sized commercial fishing trawler. The derelict was sighted about 50 miles off the coast of Canada’s British Columbia province, near the Haida Gwaii islands. Spotter planes found the ship floating upright, intact and seemingly seaworthy but for the extensive rust covering the hull. There were no signs of life aboard the vessel.

Human life, that is.

Contrary to popular belief, the patch itself isn’t “solid enough to walk on”. Much of the debris is submerged and almost invisible. Having watched tons and tons of movies over the course of my life, I have the utmost belief that there is some kind of hidden alien or monster in that vessel, secretly waiting for silly humans to attempt to stumble onto it. Or, the ship has become a lure for some giant angler fish-esque leviathan.

The only safe course of action to do is burn the water. Twice. Just in case.

Manliest sport in the world comes from … Canada?

Oh Canada. We make jokes and jests about you because you’re fun. Sure, people may say that you’re “too nice” in a pejorative manner, but really, how can being “too nice” actually be a bad thing, hmm? When people say that you’re a simple folk, they don’t mean it in a negative way, they just mean that you’re too innocent to have to dirty your hands in the slightly harsher elements of world politics.

Yes. Sure.

You might have come up with hockey, but curling? A sport that involves brooms? That’s not exactly strong of muscle, and as such, the world knows (but has not castigated) you’ve been trying to compensate for that.

But seriously? Ultimate Tazer Ball? Was the inexistant “Mid-level Tazer Ball” not enough? You do know that Jackass and Mountain Dew are products of the United States, right?

Begun the Lego Star Wars have

A new front in the space race has opened. Two Canadian teenagers, Mathew Ho and Asad Muhammad, have sent a Lego man 15 miles up into the atmosphere for a measly $400.

Our brothers from the norther side of the border launched their Legonaut using a weather balloon, onboard cameras and a GPS-equipped cell phone from Ontario. It drifted back to Canadian soil by parachute only 75 miles away from their launch site, where witnesses claim an alien spacecraft crashed while their government insists some swamp gas flared up.

We offer Ho and Muhammad our congratulations with the caveat that they promise not to destroy our crumbling space program the way Avril Lavigne did with punk rock.

It’s a pairing old as time

Hot dogs and booze have been together since the dawn of time. In Germany, schnitzel and super beer are served together. Over in Italy, wine is served with everything, including an afternoon hot dog. Japan’s got sake-dogs. Russians are 38 percent vodka-based, so when they have a hot dog (or really, anything), they just bleed a little and it’s now infused with alcohol. Now, Canada gets to get into the action.

A Vancouver location has decided to create their own pair of hot dogs and booze … except, at the same time. Literally. DougieDog Hot Dogs’ has managed to infuse a bratwurst with century-old cognac, among other things (Kobe beef, lobster and truffle oil, to name a few). These are high-end items and it happens to have a high-end price as well: 100 dollars (though it’s not been said whether that’s Canadian or United States).

Yowch, talk about a bite in the dogs.

Welcome to (a preview of) Herman Cain’s America

People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).

But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.

Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.

*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.

Eric Stoltz supports this tumor

If you look hard enough into something, you can probably find anything. Abe Lincoln was found as a chicken nugget. Lenin rose again in a shower curtain. Elvis was seen in a potato chip. Jesus has been found in a ton of things, though usually the bottom of a bottle … or a fish stick.

Those have now been topped. A tumor was discovered and an ultrasound of it was sent off to be examined by people at Urology, the International Society of Urology’s office journal. Why so? Because located on the tumor was a face. AND IT HUNGERS. Maybe?

The face appears to be in some manner of … concern. Distress. Pain. Acute sensory awareness. Like something out of a story concocted by Warren Ellis or William S. Burroughs, no one is aware of how it came about, but it’s being waved away as simply a random occurrence.

The testicle was removed and the mass was discovered to be harmless.

Sure it was.

It was the best of times, it was the worst times

People call a child being born “the miracle of life.” Now, namely this is because squeezing a person through a birth canal is said to be an extreme pain. We’re not really sure, as we have a penis, but one day we’ll ask Arnold Schwarzenegger if that’s true or not. In the meantime, we’ll just believe that it’s pretty difficult.

We also believe that it’s difficult to be the person to have to monitor the delivery. There’s so much to do, so little time and everything’s on the line! That’s why we would like to give mad props to Gaelan Edwards. Recently, the pre-teen delivered his baby brother on his lonesome. Now that’s inner courage.

As such, SeriouslyGuys would like to provide to you, our loyal reader a distinct list of pros and cons of a situation like that:


  • Courage under fire. Gaelan took care of business despite having the odds stacked against him.
  • His younger brother owes him. Without Gaelan, that newborn would not be here.
  • Talk about a story to tell at bars later in life. Gaelan now has a story that can impress anyone.
  • Gaelan proved that tv does do good things. Too much tv works!
  • Can we reiterate that he did everything involved with delivering the kid?


  • He saw his mom’s vagina.

I think that con is enough to nullify all the pro’s and thus require massive therapy for Gaelan.

Smooth move, Canada

Canada, you’re a country that’s much larger than the one you reside over top of. You’re fairly pleasant enough, but you enjoy a good beer, which is awesome! So why do you continue to give us reasons to make fun of you?

The insane rioting was ridiculous enough, but your money has always been a point of hilarity. A queen that you don’t really pay that much attention to? A beaver? A duck? Excuse me: loon.

The smart (and eventual) move for money is to switch to a check card like swipe system. It saves space and it doesn’t have stupid animals on it! So when we hear that you’re moving to a form of plastic money, I can’t help but be happy.

Annnnnd crestfallen. This is not what I meant by plastic money.