PETA continues to stand for the rights of the cute in the face of reason

PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) hates Canada. Who wouldn’t? They’re quiet, polite and well-behaved, those jerks. But now it’s become something more than just a traditional why-won’t-you-stop-putting-puppies-and-kittens-to-sleep kind of hatred. Now it’s more of a we’re-going-to-look-like-douches-on-an-international-stage kind.

That’s right, folks, PETA is going to protest the 2010 Vancouver Olympics because the Canadian government will not end the clubbing of baby seals. In fact, baby seal clubbing is one of the new events at the games. Just like the huge success that the human rights protests against the Beijing games were last year, (if you recall, the games were canceled and China was disgraced in the eyes of the world), PETA will use the same smarmy tactics next year.

Let’s get one thing straight: Canada is our ally in the War on Animals. They help us rid their barren country, and in turn, the world, of the vicious baby seal threat. Fact: One in every four child deaths in Canada is an attack from a baby seal.

(via Deadspin)

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

The punishment fits the crime?

Two valiant heroes in Canada have been unfairly punished. UNFAIRLY! While clearly on a fact finding reconnaissance mission around their neighborhood, said teens and their friends made their way into a domicile. Obviously defending themselves, they threw the feline monster in the closest holding cell available-that just happened to be a microwave.

Now, here’s where it gets a little weird. The Alberta residents responsible for this act have been banned from violent video-games for a year as part of their punishment. Huh? I mean, I can understand being made to stay 500 feet away from Viva Pinata or any of the Pokemanz, but how does one specifically classify a “violent video-game”?

Frankly, we here at SG feel that a medal should be awarded, not a punishment. Anytime a cat is named “Princess”, it’s almost a given that it’ll will be a nusicance to the public. But hey, that’s just our perogative. In the meantime, make sure to head down to Gamestop to pre-order the latest iteration coming in the “Cat Zapper” series!

A new hobby for the cold winter months

Perhaps it’s just a coincidence that the Olympics have countries swelling with national pride, but Canada’s pride is soon going to cause other things to swell.

Federal regulators in Canada have granted a license to an all-adult television channel. We’re not talking all-adult as in action movies and cuss words, we’re talking about adult adult. More so, the channel promises to feature homegrown content at least half of the time. This means Canadians will soon have the chance to show what their made of.

“I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff,” Shaun Donnelly, president of Real Productions, said during an interview on Friday.

Excellent point, Donnelly. Americans have cornered the adult entertainment market. We are like the major leagues of smut. (The Germans are in their own league.) But now, Canada has a chance to improve its farm system and foster some of real talent that must exist out there somewhere.

Just try not to laugh when you hear them say, “Are you aboot done?”

Oh, Canada, our combustible laaaaand…

Come one, come all, and come visit the fiery world of Toronto!  Act fast, and you too can see what once was a propane depot, now a smoldering hole in the ground! Book now, and at no charge, we’ll schedule you with a “local’s experience”, allowing you to live like one of those that went through the explosion. Hurry, and you’ll be able to:

See the fireball!

Feel the explosion!

Hear the roar of the blast!

Breath in the wondrous and massive cloud of smoke!

Be evacuated on cramped buses like locals!

Be cut by exploding windows, even if you’re up to a mile away!

Witness what simply must be the handiwork of Michael Bay. Book now!

Where the honey flows

We spoke of a jail break in Amsterdam yesterday. It seems we have a The Fugitive-esque situation in Canada. A truck transporting 12 million bees overturned on a highway in New Brunswick, allowing the inmates to escape–and they were probably not in a very good mood.

Local law enforcement, according to the headline “captured” most of the bees before they could get very far. Sadly, police could not stop the madness before there were victims.

“In an unfortunate incident a journalist who was trying to get some bee noises on her microphone suffered a dozen or more stings. All in the name of journalism I guess, but it’s best to stay away from that area. Twelve million bees can do a lot of damage.”

Edward R. Murrow would be proud of this war reporting.

New baby in Near Mint/Very Fine condition, VERY R@R3!!

So, you’ve clearly followed all of our advice here at SG. You’ve met that special someone in your life, the two of you have taken pictures where you’re superglued to each other and you’ve even managed to tie the knot! Congratulations! A year’s gone by and oops! Guess that lambskin lived up to its 64% protection rate. Oh no, a kiddy’s on the way! What to do? SeriouslyGuys has been blocked from work and as such, you have no idea how to raise a child. WHAT. ARE. YOU. TO. DO?

Well, if you’re from Vancouver, then clearly, the smart thing to do is put your newborn child up on Craigslist for the going rate of $10, 000 Canadian. Hey, if you’re really smart, you can exchange the baby for the chance to make another baby, if you’re into that whole thing.

Yes, I suppose that this is a bad thing, but, hey, there is a good side to the story. 10,000 dollars Canadian translates to $10,100 American. We’re back in business, baby! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Swing batta, swing batta, no pitcha, plenty of batta

Baseball deals can be just oh so much fun sometimes. It’s kind of funny to see just how much one team will pay for a player (or players). In our rather materialistic society (c’mon, it’s not negative if it’s social commentary), we tend to place value on both everything and everyone, and it’s not uncommon for us to place a value upon the players involved in trades in order to justify our entertainment. I mean, who would’ve thought that [insert blank name here] would totally not be worth that $20 million, am I right? However, Canada would have us think otherwise of our little value-placing game. Instead, thanks to them, we can now classify the value of minor league pitcher John Odom as ten bats.

And no, the bats don’t fly.

War pauses for no one

Though SG was off last week, the War of Animals did not take a single day off, we believe this is mostly because there was no cease fire agreed to by officials on either side. So, in an effort to keep from shirking out duties, here’s what happened while we were away:

Hundreds of ducks turned up dead in Alberta, Canada. The traitorous Canadian government is actually angry about this, and is investigating an oil company in connection with this masterstroke blow to the nation’s waterfowl population.

The birds apparently landed on a pond that had toxic waste in it. Only five of the ducks were saved. This is good news, but this blog cannot rule out that these ducks now have super powers. Continue reading War pauses for no one